Episodic Intimacy vs. Committed Intimacy

There are at least two expressions of emotional intimacy, with one gaining increasing popularity. Episodic intimacy is becoming more and more in vogue. It can offer some advantages that don’t come with the territory of committed intimacy—allowing participants to avoid the inevitable messy conditions of committed intimacy.

The mess refers to conflict and diverse beliefs and values. There’s the need to develop agreements that support the employment of nonblameful accountability and the need to competently employ boundaries that help an individual’s autonomy while not fracturing rapport with the other. Let’s look more closely at these two different expressions of intimacy.

Episodic Intimacy

• There is typically a large number of folks referred to as “friends.” This is easily accomplished since the work, time, and energy needed to support committed intimacy isn’t required. However, episodic intimacy can happen in a marriage.
• Episodes or events constitute the primary medium of connection. Taking the initiative to connect; even then, participants know that the meeting does not reflect a commitment to building something.
• Participants employ time elapsing and physical distance as needed boundaries. There is no need to develop boundaries that genuinely serve the deepening of the relationship.
• The episode often comprises accounts of experiences with third parties and events tangential to the relationship.
• Positive feelings constitute the connective tissue for the participants. These feelings evolve from shared beliefs and values. Diverse beliefs and values are not typically addressed.
• There is little or no talk about what participants want from one another.
• The participants do not typically engage in conflict. If conflict does arise, participants likely begin to avoid one another.
• The relationship is not typically defined as a container for individual or collective growth.
• Participants focus on offering historical updates rather than current life experiences.

Committed Intimacy

• The relationship is defined as a container for the growth of the participants and the relationship.
• There is mutual initiation to create times to gather.
• There is ongoing interest in actively participating in one another’s lives emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
• One has a small handful of folks defined as true friends due to the work, time, and energy required to support the commitment to the partner.
• There are ongoing requests regarding what participants want from one another.
• Participants are committed to engaging in conflict by avoiding the dynamics of win/lose and right/wrong and continuing to learn to refine their argumentative skills.
• Participants welcome both shared beliefs and diverse ones.
• Participants commit to employing boundaries that support each person’s individuation as well as the quality of depth and meaning of the relationship.

Relationships might reflect a bit from each paradigm. Episodic connections certainly can serve folks living far from one another. They provide an opportunity to catch up, reminisce, and remain in one another’s lives. Committed intimacy offers an opportunity for growth, relational skill-building, and creating a bond lending itself to depth and meaning. What is essential is to be clear and intentional about what kind of relationship is desired.

Here are some questions that can help guide the decision-making process. Do I enjoy giving to this person? Do I want to know this person better? Does this person appear to make desirable offerings to me? Is this person curious about me? Do we seem to have a strong level of compatibility? Do I have the time and energy to build a committed intimacy with this person? Do I want to explore something more episodic with this person?

If these questions raise some level of longing for you, then you may be ready to explore a more committedly intimate connection. Even if they raise fear, you may identify a developmental edge waiting for you.