When Forgiveness Can Be Detrimental to Trauma Recovery

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Even though, in many ways, the narrative of forgiveness sides with the abuser rather than the victim, in Western culture, it is advertised as a prerequisite for trauma recovery. Many therapeutic techniques, mindfulness, guided meditation practices, spiritual, and religious teachings revolve around this idea. However, putting the responsibility of healing on the victim and requiring them to subscribe to feelings that they may not have can cause re-traumatization.

The phenomenon of "forgive and forget" becomes increasingly complex in familial trauma. As our society puts the family on a pedestal, deeming it sacred, those who have been neglected or abused within their families feel marginalized, broken, and rejected. The glorification of the family unit adds to the torment of the victim. When the person is unable or unwilling to find compassion and forgiveness for those who have hurt them, they may succumb to shame.

As a trauma therapist with two decades of experience, I have yet to see evidence that forgiveness actually leads to healing and there is scholarly evidence it does not (Mills 2019). On the contrary, the ethos of "forgive and forget" can result in further minimization of abuse and continued silence (Archer 2019). Additionally, forgiveness may interfere with the willingness to report the abuser, thus feeding into the cycle of abuse.

When I was working in a major healthcare system in the Bronx, one of my clients, a youth offender, who was repeatedly molested by his father, was advised to learn to let go, to forgive and forget, to find compassion in his heart. He came to my office angry. “If I forget, how am I gonna protect myself against that mf’er,” he said, distraught.

I couldn’t agree more. Advising the victim to find compassion for those who have hurt them only leads to further self-alienation and torment. Unmet childhood needs and unprocessed pain reinforce narratives of being unworthy of love, not good enough, or that relationships are unsafe. It leads to disregarding one’s own emotions, needs, and desires, thus results in the denial of the true self.

The goal of therapy is not to forget what happened, learn to forgive the abusers, or find ways to heal the relationships with those who have hurt us. It is to reach that little child we once were and allow them the sense of safety and compassion they so longed for but never had.

So often, children are made to believe that every action is done out of love, with good intentions, in the name of protection. Abusive behaviors, such as withholding love, silent treatment, or corporal punishment, are often delivered with the understanding that it is for the child’s own good that punishment is necessary.

It Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

As children depend on their parents for survival, hating parents is unimaginable, whereas self-hate is legitimate. In my practice, I often hear sentiments such as “They didn’t know any better,” “They did the best they could,” and “That’s what they knew.” These stem from the dysfunctional description of what healing is.

When raised in abusive homes, the child desperately tries to locate the love that the social contracts dictate they must have toward their parents, and when they cannot find it within themselves, they believe that something must be wrong with them. They are then left crippled with shame and unable to extend their love for themselves or to those who deserve their love either.

Healing Is About Moving Through the Pain, Not Past It

Compassion is what leads to healing, but not the compassion we try to find within ourselves for the abusers, but the compassion for ourselves. The idea that someone who is cold in their heart toward someone who has hurt them as a child is a toxic, damaging, narrative that perpetuates continued abuse.

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So many abuse victims are riddled with self-loathing and shame while desperately looking for forgiveness within themselves for the people who have hurt them in unforgivable ways. This leads to self-abandonment and manifests in self-destructive behaviors, dissociation, nihilism, cynicism, and repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns.

The deprivation of our childhood needs, and the fear, and humiliation of being emotionally, sexually, or physically abused never subsides. The inner child continues to try to make sense of the abuse and continues self-deprecating narratives. Until they can give that love to the child they once were, and give themselves permission to quit looking for compassion, forgiveness, and love for those who don’t deserve it, true healing will not be possible.

What is preached is to replace resentment and anger with compassion and forgiveness to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness continues the silence of abuse and gives the victim a false sense of closure. Finding ways to maintain a relationship with abusers, whether they are family or not, should never be a requirement of healing.

There are many trauma survivors who only begin healing when they decide not to forgive their abusers. Contrary to social misconceptions, many thrive when they cut ties with their abusers.

Once the prerequisite of loving people who violated their soul and body is lifted, extending love to oneself, and then to those who deserve that love, becomes possible.