Maybe I Don’t Know You Like the Back of My Hand

Long-term relationships can be wonderful. Whether it’s your best friend, sibling, business partner, or lover, having a relationship that lasts for years, decades, or over the course of a lifetime can mean trusting that that person cares deeply about you, will remain with you, and knows you deeply. They’re the person that can watch you walk into a room and within five seconds know something isn’t right when everyone else thinks you’re just fine. You can give them a look or say a couple of words and they know you want to leave the party instantly. Being known so well, and knowing another so well, is a wonderful experience.

However, this kind of intimate knowledge can also really have its pitfalls. Feeling like we know someone so well can lead to making assumptions about the other, and assumptions can lead to inaccurate interpretations, resentments, strife, and boredom in relationships.

Samantha Stein

For example, while it can be wonderful to feel like you can easily read the expression on a loved one’s face, we might, in fact, misread their facial expression or body language. Additionally, when we assume that our loved one is attuned to us and therefore must know how we feel about something, it can easily lead us to resentment that may not be based in truth. Also, if we assume we know what our loved one wants or needs, we can miss the mark on what they actually need.

In addition to assumptions we react or respond to, often assuming we know someone can cause people to fall into prescribed roles in a relationship that eventually make them feel trapped. For example, if one person is the “planner” and the other is the “spontaneous one,” the planner might grow resentful of always having to figure things out and the spontaneous one might end up resentful that they don’t end up doing what they’d like to do.

The antidote is deceptively simple—and may even seem silly in a relationship that has lasted 20 years or a lifetime—but it can make a big difference: ask. Ask the questions that seem obvious but give the other person a chance to tell you what’s true for them. The answer might confirm what you thought (which is never a bad thing) or it might give you the opportunity to be a better friend/sibling/partner/co-worker to someone you care about. Some of the questions you might ask are:

• How do you feel about this situation?
• How can I support you right now?
• What would you like to see happen? How would you prefer this to go?
• What’s important to you?
• What role would you like to play in this plan/event?
• Can I share my thoughts and feelings with you about this?
• What’s your opinion?
• You look like something is going on. Want to talk?
• How can I make your day better?
• Can I talk to you about something important to me?

Make sure the questions are as open-ended and neutral as possible, so the other person has the opportunity to answer without feeling pressure to give you the answer you want/are expecting.

Additionally, asking questions about long-term goals can also be important. What people want for the future often changes over time, so being supportive of the people we care about—and working together towards common goals—can change over time as well. It’s important to check in with the deeper conversations and questions to ensure we are on the same page.

These questions and check-ins are important for both the short-term and long-term health in a relationship. To keep assumptions from negatively affecting your relationship, take pulse checks often and sincerely. Besides the above questions, set aside times to ask the deeper questions such as “How happy are you right now?” and “Is your life better or worse than you imagined it might be?” Be an empathic, non-defensive listener and don’t be afraid to hear things that can help the relationship improve. See the answers as a gift that can help the relationship be the best it can possibly be. Know that even the conversation itself requires vulnerability, creating more intimacy and bringing conversations beyond the usual, everyday routine.