What’s Really Making You Upset?

Source: Vadim Bogulov / Unsplash

When thinking about stressful events, you may default to blaming the stress on another person, the circumstances, or yourself. For example, “It’s all their fault,” “The system is rigged,” or “I’m just not good enough.” There might be truth in those thoughts; however unhelpful they may be, though, they likely don’t explain the reason why the experience feels so stressful or upsetting.

It may be helpful to think deeper about the root of your stress.

At Work

You are frustrated about a work task, and think to yourself, “I hate this.”

The root of such frustration might stem from feeling:

• Out of your depth, overwhelmed, and telling yourself you’re not capable of completing the task.
• That work is a waste of time because you’re overqualified for the task and/or want to do other things with your time.
• Demeaned or insulted because it appears the task has been assigned to you due to an aspect (or aspects) of your personal identity (e.g., race, gender, identity, age).

At Home

You feel frustrated when a loved one asks why a task you normally do for them hasn’t been done (e.g., laundry, meal preparation), and you think, “They are spoiled.”

The root of such frustration might stem from feeling:

• Discounted as an individual who matters too and has their own wants and needs.
• Unlovable if you aren’t doing or performing in a certain way for others.
• Disappointed in yourself and others that such expectations were allowed to form over time.

Therapy and Coaching May Help

Many types of therapy and coaching can help you examine such roots. These may include cognitive behavioral and acceptance and commitment approaches.

On Your Own

Asking yourself the following questions may be helpful in uncovering the root of your stressors.

When feeling stressed or upset, you might ask yourself:

• What am I feeling in the situation?
• Is there a deeper emotion underneath this surface-level feeling?
• What story am I telling myself about the cause of my feelings?
• Which of my values are not being honored in this frustrating situation?
• How can I treat myself with compassion about the situation, based on the deeper root of what is causing my stress?

Identifying the root of your thoughts and feelings may help you:

• Notice patterns over time.
• Identify initial steps toward addressing these patterns (e.g., set boundaries).
• Change your perspective about the root cause (e.g., be more compassionate toward yourself).

What this might look like when practiced altogether

You are frustrated when someone takes several days to respond to a text or email you feel is important, and you think, “I must not be important enough for them.”

• You might feel frustrated and annoyed on a surface level, but when you reflect more deeply, you realize that you feel hurt and disappointed.
• You told yourself that you could rely on that person to respond quickly, and their failure to do so makes you doubt your confidence in your ability to gauge others and put your faith in others.
• This may be hard because you value reliability in yourself and others. You may have gained this value from previous interactions you’ve had with others, so this instance connects to past painful experiences. It might also make you doubt that you are enough.
• You could respond by treating yourself with kindness and reflecting on how you will always show up for yourself. Though the situation may still feel frustrating, it doesn’t get to shape your beliefs or feelings about yourself. You are enough.