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Key points
- Because detecting deception seems so valuable, many sources offer easy answers.
- Despite much research, psychology has revealed only a handful of general indicators of dishonesty.
- Each instance of possible deception is unique, so perhaps the best approach is being honest about your concerns.
When is someone lying to you? Wouldn’t it be great to be able to detect dishonesty?
We imagine the answer is “yes,” so there are many books, videos, and gurus promising to teach you how to be a human lie detector. Of course, we know at some level that it isn’t that simple and clear-cut, even though a lot of research has been performed trying to find reliable indicators or signs of deception. That said, there are some things that have been found to be associated with deception, or more likely to occur when someone is lying.
What Research Has Found
One general finding is that the stereotypes we hold about signs of dishonesty tend to be wrong. Why?
Because they’re well-known. So when someone is lying, they often intentionally try to not do those things, veering a little too much in the opposite direction.
One such example is eye contact. The stereotype is that people don’t maintain eye contact when they are lying—so in reality, many folks hold eye contact excessively to avoid being suspected of their deception.
Of course, some people are better liars than others in the sense that they can control their behavior rather than get nervous and thereby match the stereotype of the stammering liar who avoids eye contact and looks guilty. So this possible indicator of dishonesty is far from reliable.
Although far from 100 percent accurate, based on the research, perhaps the “best” indicator of deception may be the level of detail used in explaining or answering questions about what happened. Note that this indicator only applies to scenarios where there was an event, rather than yes/no questions or simple forms of deception (e.g., “I love your shoes!”).
But in general, when people are lying, they provide less detail. Why? Because they are making up what happened, and so keeping it simple is both easiest and feels safest. The liar’s goal is typically to end the conversation as soon as possible.
Another Approach
It may be tempting to try out your new knowledge when you suspect someone is trying to deceive you—but one difficulty is determining what is the “right” amount of detail. Could there be reasons an honest person gives brief, generic-sounding descriptions or answers? Might a particular dishonest individual be really good at spinning a detailed yarn? Always keep in mind the unreliable nature of any supposed sign of dishonesty.
Now, I propose a different approach to concerns about being deceived: Honesty. That is, instead of trying to stealthily detect deception, how about being honest about your concern, perception, or difficulty extending trust in this case?
Doing so doesn’t mean the individual will necessarily come clean, but it puts the issue out there to be discussed, and their reaction may be telling in itself. An overly anxious or defensive response might be cause for further suspicion, whereas an apparently genuine attempt to address your underlying concerns may be a good sign.
Of course, addressing your concerns opens the door to a conversation that has the potential to help resolve the concerns, and perhaps enrich the relationship in ways that are beneficial beyond the scenario currently being discussed. However, having such a conversation requires some finesse, regardless of how the invitation is received by the other person. No one likes to hear that they are suspected of being dishonest (even if accurate) or that someone doesn’t trust them. So, tone, body language, and wording are all important.
Putting It Into Practice
With regard to body language, try to avoid rolling your eyes, sighing, or crossing your arms. With regard to tone, avoid being sarcastic, angry, or judgmental. A key is to communicate that you are not accusing them of lying, but are sharing your difficulty believing or trusting them. If you have had previous experiences of dishonesty in this relationship, it can be difficult not to reference those in ways that derail the current conversation, or to make summary judgments about the person’s character.
When asked why you don’t believe the other person, instead of “Because you’re a liar,” try “Because, in the past, it came to light that you had lied, so this might be another such instance.” Instead of “Your story doesn’t make sense,” try “From my perspective, there are parts of what you are saying that don’t seem to add up (or make sense).” Instead of “You can’t be trusted,” try “I’m having a hard time trusting you because of our previous experience.”
Beware that this explanation for the current concern can easily spiral into rehashing those past experiences, which isn’t going to be fruitful. Instead, keep the focus on how, regardless of the accuracy of your side of the story, those previous instances left you wary in the current scenario.
I recognize that my suggested approach is asking a lot, but I believe the potential payoff is well worth the effort and risk. With practice—and some reflection on what seemed to help and what didn’t—you may become a much better “lie detector” than any of the best indicators of deception found through psychology research.
Remember: Each of the general indicators tends to be general and ambiguous, and therefore unreliable when applied to a specific instance. In the end, it may be that the most effective approach to addressing your concerns about being lied to is to be honest.
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