How to Best Help Children Cope With Grief and Loss

Source: Kristin Meekhof

"Believing is all a child does for a living." -Kurtis Lamkin, poet and musician.

Children live in their own world in many respects. Depending on the age of the child, make-believe and pretend are routine. That’s why it is so heartbreaking for a child to lose a parent, regardless of the circumstances. With the loss of a parent comes a loss of innocence—and perhaps a premature entrance into adulthood.

Over the weekend, I listened to a live event with Prince Harry and renowned physician, trauma expert, and best-selling author Gabor Maté. Maté interviewed Prince Harry about his experiences with trauma, loss, charity work, and family. As we all know, Prince Harry suffered the loss of his mother, Princess Diana at the tender age of 12. In a 60 Minutes interview, Prince Harry said he didn’t "shed a tear" because he was in shock.

No matter what age a child is when their parent dies, it often comes as a “shock" because death is very much an adult concept. Even when there’s an advanced illness, such as cancer, the innocence of childhood means they often believe a “miracle” will happen and a cure will be found.

As a master’s level social worker who has suffered my own share of losses—infant adoption, the loss of my adoptive father two weeks shy of my fifth birthday, and then my husband when I was 33—I’m very interested in the viewpoints of other professionals when it comes to helping grieving children.

Recently, I had the unique opportunity to talk with British psychotherapist and author of Every Family Has a Story and Grief Works, Julia Samuel, about how to help children who are suffering as a result of loss.

When it comes to grief, Samuel says, “I think what is really important is recognizing the pain of loss, and that it is the pain that forces us to adapt and change to the new reality. Pain is the agent of change. And along with the pain of the loss, we need support. It’s the support that we’re given at the time of the loss and following the loss that will predict our outcome.”

There is no easy or painless way to grieve. When it comes to children, Samuel says, “There isn’t the recognition that children grieve. That they need support through their grief, that their outcome will be dependent on the quality of the parenting of the surviving parent.”

Children, like myself, often suffer multiple losses when a parent dies. They change schools, move out of neighborhoods, lose friends, no longer experience the security of having two parents, among other things. Samuel says, “So often for a child, their parent dying is the rupture of many multiple losses, as well as the person that died and what tends to happen is that people say, ‘Oh, children are so resilient, they bounce back, aren't they extraordinary?’ Children learn to grieve by observing the adults around them."

Samuel cautions that acting as if a loss hasn’t happened can create unresolved and stored grief.

As professionals, we know loss can be very traumatic. Maté writes in his book The Myth of Normal, "If we treat trauma as an external event, something that happens to or around us, then it becomes a piece of history we can never dislodge. If, on the other hand, trauma is what took place inside us as a result of what happened, in the sense of wounding or disconnection, then healing and reconnection becomes tangible possibilities." (Italics are his).

The solo is parent often filled with their own anxiety and depression in the wake of loss. In doing research for my book, I listened to the stories of hundreds of widows. What I’ve observed is that having a loving parent who is reassuring the child that they are safe, secure, and loved is essential, and helps the child feel seen and heard.

Identity is often shaped by absence, as much as by the presence, of others. For myself, it was the presence of my paternal grandmother (who also lost her mother at an early age) that helped me feel secure and also get to know my father through storytelling. With these narratives, she helped to fill a part of my void. My grandmother helped me understand who my father was as a young child, his personality and how his stubbornness made him difficult, at times, to parent. All of these little details helped me better understand who my father was, and, in turn, helped me heal.

While talking things things out, don’t expect that you will always say the right thing at the right time, and being willing to apologize is a healthy way to show your vulnerability. When children witness your vulnerability and compassion, it gives them the courage to be who they really are. Working out feelings sometimes requires a professional therapist. During the conversation with Maté, Prince Harry said he wished he had received professional therapy earlier.

Grief Essential Reads

When Children Lose a Loved One

What I Learned From a Week Contemplating My Death

Grief is not for the faint of heart. Healing from trauma is possible, according to Maté. Helping children process vulnerable and raw feelings at various points in their lives is best done with compassion, in a place where they feel safe, and with someone who makes them feel valued for who they are. After all, what we are really longing for is to be accepted for who we truly are.