How to Approach Difficult Conversations at Work

Nobody looks forward to difficult conversations at work and addressing issues with colleagues. We experience the same response as to a physical threat, our body going into fight-or-flight mode. And, all too often, we choose flight, avoiding the conversations and allowing issues to drag on, tensions to deepen, and conflicts to build.

Avoidance isn’t sustainable, however. Letting conflicts build can lead only to other problems, including lower productivity and a lack of enjoyment of work. We can wait for someone else to step in, whether a line manager or the HR department, but, while they may impose a resolution on the conflict, it’s unlikely that they’ll be able to remove underlying tensions or create a more pleasant working environment.

Instead of waiting for others to take the initiative, it’s important to take the first step and seek to resolve the conflict ourselves. Resolution that is owned by those in conflict, rather than imposed by a third party, is likely to hold more effectively and allow both parties to move forward more happily.

Jane Gunn, a commercial mediator and the author of The Mole and the Mountain, outlines how formal mediation works. “Mediators seek to understand the underlying needs, interests, fears, and concerns of the parties in conflict. We then create an environment that enables them to listen, acknowledge, and respond to each other. The key is that they find their own solutions and ideas and have the power to decide what the outcome is.”

Taking Control of Resolving Conflict

A disagreement between coworkers shouldn’t need formal mediation, though. If you’re willing to take the initiative and commit to the outcome, you should be able to resolve the issue and find a pathway forward. Here are four steps you can take to plan for and approach such conversations:

Step One: Write a letter to yourself from the person with whom you are in conflict. Possibly the hardest step to take, but such a key one. One of the biggest barriers to resolution of conflict is the refusal by each of the sparring parties to see things from the other’s perspective. Stephen Covey’s Habit #5 in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.

Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are in conflict with. How does the situation look from their perspective, and how is it impacting them? How does that make them feel? Are you aware of anything that might be influencing their response to the situation, such as previous experiences, what is happening for them outside of work, or possible cultural influences?

Finish your letter with a suggested outcome, what do you feel would make them feel happy moving forward?

Step Two: Play back their concerns to them. Suggest a meeting and, with their permission, share what you perceive to be their position. Share without judging them or commenting on how you see things. Simply present your assumptions about what’s happening for them, and ask them whether your assumptions are correct.

Be prepared to be wrong, for the other person to contradict you. Everything you have shared has been based on guesswork; you can’t see inside other people’s minds. Jane Gunn stresses that you need to be willing to “test assumptions to extinction”, consistently checking whether your perspective is correct or off the mark. Ask questions rather than dictate what the situation is and give the other person the space to respond.

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Seek to learn from their responses, it’s OK for your assumptions to be incorrect; the goal isn’t to be right, it's to move towards resolution of your conflict.

Step Three: Share what you would like to achieve. Now that you have clarity about what your colleague is thinking, you can share what you are seeking to achieve, with their permission. This is less about what has happened than what you would like to see happen, moving forward. Focus on what you can influence and what will move the conversation into a positive space.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t reflect on previous events at all. Sometimes it is important to air your frustrations; otherwise you’ll struggle to move forward. When doing so, try to focus on the impact of what happened, rather than making the other person wrong for their actions.

This is the stage in which you are most likely to feel emotional. While you need to be able to control your emotions, particularly when you feel angry, it’s still OK to show your human side. Vulnerability often acts as a strong point of connection to other people, and we don’t often think about how our actions affect others, so it can be important for you to demonstrate the situation’s impact on you.

Your key focus, however, should be on outcomes over emotions.

Step Four: Establish common ground. Now that you have hopefully cleared the air by understanding each other’s perspective, feelings, and goals, you can find a route forward that is mutually beneficial. What would you both consider to be a win?

Keep an eye on the outcome at all times; focus more on what you want to achieve, rather than what you might lose. You may both need to compromise; perhaps only one of you will have to let something go. Be clear about how any loss balances against the gain enjoyed by an outcome you can both enjoy. What moves you closer to your end goal?

Your emotions can come into play at this point, too, particularly if you feel as if you are having to give up too much, or at least more than the other. We can be so focused on not losing face or respect that we forget what we are trying to achieve. That long-term resolution has to be more important than short-term emotions or you can’t move forward. Don’t worry about point-scoring; be clear about how you will recognise a successful agreement and aim for that.