25 Red Flags of Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a pervasive problem affecting millions worldwide regardless of race, age, and socioeconomic status. IPV includes a progressive pattern of abusive behavior that can be physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual.

Some may find it surprising that in this modern era, women are abused sexually and physically more than ever before. Nearly one in two women (47.3% or 59 million) in the United States report experiencing IPV at some time during their lifetime (Leemis et al., 2022). According to the World Health Organization, one in three women (30%) globally experience some physical or sexual violence. In the U.S., more than 50% of female rape survivors were raped by an intimate partner (Leemis et al., 2022).

Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner, which equates to more than 10 million survivors annually (CDC, 2022). In national surveys, 32.5% of women (40.5 million) reported severe physical violence including being hit (18.9%), beaten (15.2%), kicked (12.2%), slammed against something (24.4%), hurt by choking or suffocating (16.2%), burned on purpose (2.8%), or having had a knife (3.9%) or gun (4.7%) used on them (Leemis et al, 2022).

The statement by Cassie Ventura after recent release of the video showing physical assault by her former boyfriend Sean “Diddy” Combs is notable: “My only ask is that everyone open your heart to believing victims the first time.”

Her words imply that she was not believed until a video became proof.

Domestic violence “broke me down to someone I never thought I would become,” Ventura explained. She advises, “Reach out to your people, don’t cut them off. No one should carry this weight alone.”

In the U.S., police receive more than 20,000 calls from domestic violence hotlines each day (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence fact sheet)​. However, many victims suffer in silence, never reaching out for help.

Red Flags

Often, warning signs emerge early in relationships. It would be wise for all young adults to learn them and heed them.

According to the Duluth Model, the root of IPV is power and control. Abusers keep their partners silent and submissive through a variety of tactics, including isolation from others. Usually, there is a distinct difference in the abuser’s behavior when alone and when around people. Controlling and argumentative behaviors can escalate into physical and sexual assault at any time. An abuser uses promises, threats, coercion, fear, and even tears to maintain secrecy, silence, power, and control.

Words to Watch Out For

If a partner’s words and behaviors feel controlling, unpredictable, fear-inducing, and coercive, it's time to reach out for help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, offers free, 24-hour, confidential support services.

The following words are potential red flags to IPV:

• You don’t need to be around those people. Your family (or friends) are toxic.
• The world is not safe. I need to protect you. Ask me before you do anything.
• We will be together forever. I’ll make all your dreams come true. I’ll take care of you forever. You can quit your job–it’s terrible anyway.
• I can’t live without you. If you ever leave, I’ll kill myself.
• If you love me, you will do this (sexual act or other sacrifice).
• You are really hurting me like I’ve never felt before. You are evil.
• You better answer immediately when I text or call you.
• Who are you texting? Give me your phone.
• If you cheat on me, you will pay.
• My job stress makes me angry. It’s not my fault.
• My ex was totally crazy.
• No, you cannot have another drink.
• Do not wear that. You have no fashion taste. Put this on.
• No, you cannot go home. You need to stay here with me. It will look bad. I’m driving us home.
• You cannot be friends with that guy. I’m blocking him on your phone.
• You are too loud and obnoxious. People think you talk too much. Keep your mouth shut.
• Those women are not your friends. Stay away from them.
• All couples fight. You are overreacting. It’s all your fault.
• Don’t you even pretend to be scared. I’ll give you something to be scared about.
• I will ruin you if you tell anyone.
• The kids will never see you.
• I am the man of this household. You had better do what I say, or you will be on the streets.
• You will end up with nothing and alone.
• Nobody likes you. Everyone loves me.
• You have no one. No one will believe you.

Many victims of intimate partner abuse rationalize, deny, or minimize their partner’s words, behaviors, and interactions. Women often say, “I thought he would change. He promised things would be different,” or “I stayed because he told me I was the love of his life.”

Survivors of IPV may express the following fear-based thoughts that minimize, deny, or excuse abusive behaviors and keep them stuck in dangerous relationships:

• He’ll change. He promised.
• This time will be different.
• He’s helped me so much—I owe him.
• I’m unhappy, but what choice do I have?
• He’ll ruin me. He’ll ruin my life.
• He might really hurt me if I leave.
• I’ll never see my kids or family if I leave.
• My career or my life will be over.
• He might kill me. I don’t know what to do.

Domestic Violence Essential Reads

Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse

Brain Injuries and Domestic Violence

What to Do

If you or anyone you know is experiencing any form of abuse, please call for help immediately. You do not have to weather this alone. There is hope—outside of the relationship. Change requires belief (the first time) and empowered action to protect and heal. Prevention efforts must evolve beyond #metoo into #NoMore.

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