Tips for Donor-Conceived Adults Who Just Found Out the Truth

Donor-Conceived People (DCP) whose conception stories were not shared with them as children can experience a multitude of emotions when learning the truth later in life, whether they're told or whether they find out on their own. It's common for them to feel as though their worlds and identities have been turned upside down. Many feel that they were deliberately deceived by their parents, the people they've always trusted implicitly.

• Concurrent feelings are common, such as shock (wait...what?!), anger (why was I lied to?), confusion (what does this mean?), sadness (I am not biologically related to my parent), relief (my gut instincts were right all along), and curiosity (who am I related to, what's my ancestry, and what is my family medical history?).¹
• Lack of parental support can lead to feelings of guilt, as though the DCP are somehow betraying their parents by wanting to learn more about their own biological identities, ancestry, and more about their close genetic relatives. They need to feel heard by their loved ones and their feelings and experiences validated.
• Searching for a deeper understanding of forgiveness can be an integrative process with conflicting feelings. For many, healing and forgiveness can only occur when they hear their parents apologize and explain the reasons for lying (by omission) without making excuses or being defensive.

This story shared by a donor-conceived person illustrates how non-disclosure affected her sense of self:

When I was an early teen, I had this fantasy that I had a secret identity, which would eventually be revealed to me later. I've never admitted this to anyone until now. It wasn't a grandiose secret identity — just mysterious and a total wildcard that would eventually make sense. I had no idea why this idea cropped up at the time because who I was and where I came from seemed so obvious. (I wasn't told about my conception.) But how appropriate that was, in hindsight.... I had real problems with my sense of identity until about 2 years ago when my truth finally and shockingly emerged through technology.

This problem has been melting away quickly of late, and things are very clear now like a light has been switched on. Secrets are felt viscerally, even when they aren't explicitly known, which is why they can be so toxic. And to fully build out who you are, you need to know where you came from. It's easy for those who don't know what this is like to take what they had for granted and tell you to get over it because 'all that matters is who you choose to become.' But there's a primal need in all of us to understand our roots first (at the parental level) — before that can happen — like a psychological foundation for individuation.

The burden of secrecy is heavy.

Keeping donor conception a secret can create a fault line in the family’s foundation and can damage the parent-child relationship without the child ever knowing why, and they can blame themselves for this disconnect.

When DCP in heterosexual families learn the truth, their parents sometimes insist that they too keep the secret, or simply won’t speak about it. In these situations, unfortunately, the shame of infertility can be passed along to the DCP and manifest as the shame of being donor-conceived. Parents who feel inadequate or insecure about their parenting (or themselves) are more likely to pass along these sentiments. These parents are not providing the support that their children need to process their emotions and feelings. This can make it much more difficult for the DCP to not only accept the circumstances of their conception, but also to forgive their parents and mend those relationships, allow themselves to be curious, and consider searching for and connecting with their unknown genetic family.

Source: ramcreative@123rf

8 Tips for Donor-Conceived Adults Who Just Found Out

1. Talk to your parents.
Take some deep breaths, and try to relax. Many people have walked this path before you, and although the road can get a bit bumpy for a little while, they have all survived. Secrecy implies shame, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, so do not let the “secret” persist. Set aside time as soon as possible to discuss the situation with your parents. Talk with other close family members and friends who can provide good support.
2. Ask questions.
Ask your parents why they used a donor and what the experience was like for them. Ask them why they kept the secret. Most parents don’t tell because they’re afraid of how the truth will affect the family. Often, the non-biological parent is afraid of being looked at as not the “real” parent. You can assure your non-bio mom or dad that this news changes nothing in your relationship. Your parents will always be your parents. This knowledge doesn’t change that fact or diminish your love for the parents who loved and raised you.
3. Explain very honestly how this news has affected you.
Tell your parents what you are feeling. You might be experiencing a wide variety of emotions, including anger, sadness, confusion, or even relief. Understand and explain that your feelings are valid and to be expected — and that working through these emotions might take some time. Have patience with yourself. If you’re upset, don’t feel guilty. This was your information to have, and it was kept from you.
4. Listen.
Your parents may have made the best decisions they could with the information they had at the time. Many parents were advised to lie to everyone, including their children. Listen to their story. Ask them what they were afraid of and why protecting the secret was so crucial. Find out what they know about the donor or any half-siblings. Gathering information about the other half of your genetic identity and relatives may help you better understand yourself.
5. Be willing to forgive.
You may never fully understand or agree with your parents’ reasons for keeping this information from you. However, staying angry doesn’t help you move forward. Empathy and compassion will be extremely helpful in repairing any damaged relationships. Work through your emotions, with the help of a therapist if necessary. Understand that forgiveness is the only path to true healing. It’s important for your parents to know that you can forgive them for not telling you the truth, even if this might take some time.
6. Continue the conversation.
This is not a one-time conversation. Let your parents know that you will ask them to continue the conversation as you process this new information, tell family and friends, and incorporate it all into your identity. Invite your parents to walk beside you as you explore your genetic roots and figure out what it means to you and your life to be donor-conceived. There is a great opportunity for a stronger family bond if you can keep the lines of communication open. Let your parents love and support you on the path forward.
7. Accept your new reality.
Feel good about the fact that your family will now have a basis and foundation in truth. Understand that any curiosities you have about your half-siblings and/or your unknown biological parent, your ancestry, and your medical history are normal and to be expected. It’s an innate human desire to want to know where we come from. You can’t change the past, but you can control how you move forward. This is your story to own and share as you see fit.
8. If you are curious...
Many offspring report feeling a sense of relief as they reassemble the puzzle of their physical, emotional, & intellectual selves. If you do desire to know more about your donor family, give yourself permission to search for information and the genetic relatives you’re curious about. Your curiosity is not a betrayal to your parents, particularly your non-biological parent, in any way. Adding new family members or ancestral information doesn’t take away from or diminish the importance of your family of origin, it widens your family circle. Let your parents know how important it is for you to have their support as you look to discover more about your ancestry, your family medical history, and your genetic relatives. Join the Donor Sibling Registry for connection and support.

Donor-conceived people learning the truth later in life are more likely to feel like their identities have been altered and their lives disrupted. For many, psychological work and plenty of time for healing are needed so they can put the pieces back together to reshape their identities and origin stories, and also work on rebuilding trust with their parents.