How to Handle a Partner Who Won't Stop Criticizing

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Being in a close relationship typically leads partners to become somewhat insensitive to the flaws of those they love. This halo of good feelings means that even if there is objectively something wrong about a partner, their loved one is likely to overlook it. There may be times when some weakness breaks through in this otherwise positive haze, but it’s usually self-contained and not likely to destroy the relationship’s quality. However, for some individuals, a drumbeat of criticism characterizes nearly all of their interactions with their partner. That romantic glow is the exception rather than the rule.

Perhaps your partner shows this pattern of overly critical behavior. You can spend the better part of an afternoon concocting what you believe to be the perfect dessert, having followed to the “t” the specifics of a new recipe. You can hardly wait till dinnertime comes to be able to serve it. Much to your dismay, your creation remains untouched after your partner takes one bite, declaring it to be inedible.

Other criticisms from your partner can cut far deeper, ranging from derogatory comments about your appearance to questions about your intelligence. As much as these hurt you, there are still enough compelling features of your relationship that continue to bond you to your partner. Even so, it would be much healthier if your partner could stop pushing you away with the steady stream of criticism in the first place.

Fault-Finding as a Quality of Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

According to a new study by Institute of Behavioral and Cognitive Psychology and Psychotherapy of Florence (IPSICO) psychologist Gabriele Melli and colleagues (2024), there is a syndrome related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) known as relationship OCD (ROCD). This impairing form of OCD includes “obsessions and compulsions focused on close interpersonal relationships.” One dimension of ROCD involves having doubts about the “rightness” of the relationship and the partner’s feelings toward the individual. The second is based on perceptions of the partner as having a wide variety of flaws. Identified in previous research by one of the study coauthors, Israeli psychologist Guy Doron (2012), partner-focused symptoms of ROCD (P-ROCD) can also occur, leading to thoughts, images, and urges about what’s wrong with one’s partner.

Melli and collaborators believe that P-ROCD develops as a result of a deep sense of vulnerability and a need to be seen with a partner who meets unrealistic standards of perfection. These individuals, in other words, need to have a partner high in value to bolster their own self-esteem.

Exploring the Roots of P-ROCD

Where, you might wonder, does this extreme sense of vulnerability and need for perfection in the partner come from? As you think about having a partner who focuses only on your flaws, what might be driving this behavior? The research team believes that vulnerable narcissism, the extreme sense of insecurity associated with high partner criticism, provides the driving force. Insecure about their own sense of self, they need their partner as a prop so that they can feel better about themselves. It could be this weakness that you perceive in an overly critical partner that keeps you tied to them, as you recognize their vulnerabilities.

To test the role of vulnerable narcissism as the instigator of extreme partner self-criticism, Melli et al. identified a sample of 310 adults (75 percent female; 18-59 years old; mean age 28 years) whose symptoms matched the ROCD subtype of OCD. They completed measures of P-ROCD along with questionnaires intended to get at the potential precursors to this syndrome. These included Partner Value Contingent Self-Worth (how much self-esteem is dependent on the partner), an overall Obsessive Beliefs Questionnaire, the Pathological Narcissism Inventory, and a scale of Relationship Catostrophization (e.g., overestimation of negative consequences of being alone).

Items on the P-ROCD are divided into these six categories, shown here with one sample item each:

1. Appearance: When I am with my partner I find it hard to ignore his/her physical flaws.
2. Sociability: I am troubled by thoughts about my partner’s social skills.
3. Morality: I’m constantly evaluating my partner’s morality level.
4. Emotional stability: I keep examining whether my partner acts in a strange manner.
5. Intelligence: The thought that my partner is not intelligent enough bothers me greatly.
6. Competence: I keep comparing my partner’s ability to ‘‘achieve something’’ in life to that of other men/women.

Do the criticisms your partner makes of you seem to fit more into one category than the other?

Turning to the test of the main model, the authors established a pathway leading from vulnerable narcissism through partner value-contingent self-worth and ultimately to P-ROCD scores. Given the personal distress associated with vulnerable narcissism, the findings support the interpretation that “vulnerable narcissists appeared to display high levels of interpersonal distress, emotional sensitivity, and extreme reliance on their partners to modulate self‐esteem” … This, in turn, would increase the likelihood of such characteristics being catastrophically appraised leading to their escalation into obsessive preoccupations.”

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Turning Down the Criticism Dial

The findings shed light on the inner dynamics that may be driving people to dig constantly at their partner's weaknesses. When partners need their loved ones to be flawless, they may be doing so out of a deep sense of being flawed themselves. Rather than seeing themselves as so perfect that they need their partners to be so as well, it’s quite the opposite.

All of this begs the question of why people whose partners are driven by this need want to remain in the relationship at all. However, the same qualities that lead to excessive partner criticism could in some ways provide the glue that keeps the relationship together. Sensing your partner’s feelings of inner weakness, perhaps you feel they need you to be there for them.

Yet, this potentially destructive behavior need not continue. As Melli et al. point out, cognitive-behavioral interventions could prove useful in reducing partner-value contingent self-worth. If you see your partner’s behavior as a call for help, you might be able to lead them in the direction of finding relief from their own inner preoccupations.

Short of having diagnosable ROCD, though, your partner may simply have occasional self-doubts and feelings of weakness that bubble up in the form of those harsh critical comments about some aspect of your appearance, behavior, or skills. Rather than accept them or just move on, consider bringing up their hurtful nature with your partner to discuss where they come from. It’s possible that by doing so, your partner will be willing to share some of their own insecurities. You can also share your own feelings of how much these comments erode your own well-being.

To sum up, a partner who’s constantly finding flaws in you may have their own feelings of inadequacy due to weaknesses in their own self-image. Rather than ignoring them, the IPISCO study can give you some tools for turning these occasions into relationship-building conversations.

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