Recovery From a Family Member’s Addiction

There are few experiences more grueling and painful than watching a parent, a brother or sister, or especially a child careen off the rails because of alcohol or other drug addiction. Having a loved one who is sinking beneath the weight of addiction profoundly impacts the entire family. From feeling responsible and guilty, to resentment, despair, anger, helplessness, loss and grief, the impact of a loved one’s descent into addiction can disrupt the mental, emotional, and even physical health of those around them. Recovering from this impact requites a lot of attention, and a lot of intention to take good care of oneself.

Whether family members take advantage of Al-Anon Family meetings or not, they still must learn the principles Al-Anon members practice to stay healthy. Many of these principles initially strike families as callous, but failing to follow them only increases the negative impact of a family member’s addiction. There are many hard realities about addiction that need to be faced by families, including that no one can force a person with substance abuse disorder to think differently. Efforts to control the thinking of a person with substance abuse disorder, whether by threats, cajoling, bribes, or pleading, often backfire, either by provoking further denial and defensiveness or simply enabling their continued addiction. Attending Al-Anon meetings helps family members accept their powerlessness to control another’s addiction and not be consumed by their emotional reactions to this difficult reality.

The principle of powerlessness is expressed in Al-Anon’s belief that, while you may have contributed to someone’s addiction, the solution to their problem has their name written on it. This accepts that, while your behavior may have added stress, and even trauma, to a family member’s life, this did not cause their addiction. What caused their addiction is a combination of their decision to experience mood-altering substances and genetically determined brain physiology that too easily bent toward becoming addicted. Your life may have contained divorce, poverty, physical disability, early deaths, or any of a multitude of other stressful conditions, all of which also affected everyone in the family. But not everyone who experiences such adversities becomes addicted to alcohol or other drugs. Conversely, you may have led a serene and happy life but still had a child go off the rails with addiction. In the end, it benefits neither you nor an addicted family member for you to take the blame for their addiction. Yes, you may have contributed to the stress in their life, but you did not cause their addictive illness. Neither can you cure it. Recovery for the addicted person requires a decision within their own minds that you cannot make for them. The solution has their name written on it. The person with substance abuse disorder must make the decision to recover. You cannot make this decision for them, much as you might want to, or hard as you might try.

What you can do is attend to your own recovery from the negative impact of a family member’s addiction. In a reversal of the principle described above, an addicted family member may be contributing to your suffering, but the solution (i.e., your own recovery) has your name written on it. If you want relief from the despair, guilt, and suffering provoked by someone else’s addiction, only you can do the work needed to detach your self-worth from their self-destructive behavior. Only you can keep yourself on a healthy path, rested, well-nourished, and surrounded by caring.

Al-Anon teaches that family members can find contentment and even happiness whether a family member remains addicted or not. While this may again sound callous, it achieves two important goals. First, it models that recovery is an inside job and that everyone must take responsibility for their own recovery. Second, it keeps families healthy enough that they can offer support — emotional, spiritual, and financial — when their addicted loved one turns toward recovery. Without recovery, family members have only their resentment and their own depletion to offer. Without working their own program of recovery, the family’s cupboard becomes bare when it comes to compassion. But, when the family has worked toward their own recovery, they can greet loved ones’ efforts to recover with open arms — and with a realistic understanding of the principles that underlie recovery.

I can only imagine the torment of women and children as they were lowered into the water from the Titanic’s deck, straining for a last glimpse of a husband or father left behind. But to have decided not to save themselves when they had the opportunity would have only multiplied the tragedy. And to have decided not to find ways to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives despite the sorrow of a lost loved one would have extended the catastrophe. Each survivor must find their own way of recovering from life’s traumas.

During this holiday season, we all want our hearts to be open and filled with love. The Al-Anon principles of recovery can help you live the life of compassion and love for yourself and for any loved one lost in addiction, whether the person with substance use disorder in your life keeps drinking or using, or not. It takes work to get to your first Al-Anon meeting, and it takes work to practice Al-Anon’s principles of recovery. You can start by giving yourself the gift of an hour at an Al-Anon meeting this holiday season. If anyone asks why you are going to a meeting, simply say it is the holiday season and you want to find a way to fill your heart with as much love and forgiveness as possible.

P.S. – Most Al-Anon chapters in your local area have phone numbers to help you find a meeting where good people are waiting to share their experiences.