When Adult Children Hear Their Parents Are Divorcing

Middle aged couple sad and separating.

Source: Cottonbro / Pexels

This post is the first in a series about the experiences, feelings, and healing journey of two sisters, who are adult children of gray divorce.

For more than 30 years, seismic shifts have occurred in families worldwide, yet most people are unaware it has been happening and don't know the impact it has wrought on family members. Researchers have named it "The Gray Divorce Revolution." Adults 50 and older have been divorcing in record-setting numbers. Their divorce rate has doubled since 1990, and it is predicted to triple by 2030. Overlooked as these couples divorce later in life are their adult children, who frequently say they are the only ones aware of what they are going through, no one understands what they are experiencing, and they feel in shock, lost, overwhelmed, and painfully alone.

I recently spoke with two sisters, Eleana and Sophia (not my patients), who were adults when their parents began their gray divorce journey.

Carol Hughes: You bring a perspective that many adult children of gray divorce do not have. What is that?

Eleana: We are German, but I was born in Switzerland, and Sophia was born in Singapore. We lived all over Southeast Asia, including Japan, Malaysia, and Turkey. I am 30 years old, a talent management/development expert, and a career coach living in Germany. Sophia is 27 and a journalist based in the UK. So, besides being adult children of gray divorce, we are also true global citizens.

CH: How old were you and your parents when you found out they were separating?

Sophia: Eleana and I were in different stages of our lives. I was 20 years old in my second year at university in Amsterdam. So, I was coming in and out of the family home. Our 17-year-old sister was living at home in Malaysia, finishing her last year of high school.

E: I was 23, at home in Malaysia doing a gap year, just about to head to Germany for my first corporate job. Our parents were in their late 40s when the separation began. It was a seven-to-eight-year process until they decided to officially separate. So, at that point, they were in their late 50s.

CH: How did your parents tell you they were divorcing?

E: Our dad decided to move out and initiated the separation. I was out with friends, and I came home in the evening. I heard some murmuring in the kitchen. I went to say "Hi" to my parents, let them know that I was back, and found my mother crying and my father solemnly sitting there. He very bluntly said, "I'm moving out. I found an apartment, and I'm going to be leaving." That initial moment was just such a sinking ball dropping in my stomach. There were some signs of him being a bit off the months before. He wasn't really engaged in anything that we wanted to do, or he didn't want to join on outings with friends.

CH: How did your father's announcement affect you?

E: Even though I had felt that he had been acting off, or at least different from his usual self, I was shocked. I had gone to the library with my mother a week before, looking for books on midlife crises, as this is what we assumed was going on. So, I was pretty involved ahead of the announcement. When he shared that he was moving out, he didn’t name a specific reason why other than that he needed space. The first question that came to mind was if he was seeing someone, but he didn't mention anything at the time and just said that he needed space. Thinking back to the moment, I started crying and simply said something like, "OK, I don't understand, but I guess I don’t have a choice." It was just a moment of shock, honestly. I was overwhelmed.

CH: In July 2023, seven years after the start of your parents’ separation, you became the creators and producers of the podcast "The Kids Are Not Alright!" What motivated you to do this?

S: We wanted to start sharing what we experienced during our parent's separation, as well as the context of what it meant for us and continues to mean for us even today. Our goal is for the podcast to be a support for other adult children of divorcing or divorced parents because we did not know how to deal with our parents' separation and divorce. We felt very alone, in shock, unsupported, and overwhelmed. We want other adult children to know they are not alone and that what they are feeling and experiencing is real. We also want to share with them what has helped us heal over the years, and we hope that will help them heal, too.

© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.