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Key points
- Happier people tend to focus more on positive things.
- Our negativity bias causes us to notice threats, but some research suggests we can choose to focus on the positive and feel better.
- You can get better at noticing the positive things with awareness and intentional practice.
Yesterday was hot. The nerves in my left leg spit pain through my hamstring and calf. My head ached from earlier stress over a work project. I really wanted a beer and pizza.
That’s part of the story, at least. But here’s what I haven’t told you yet:
At the same moment, I was complaining about the heat, my head, and my hunger. I was with my husband (I adore him) golfing (love it) with the sun setting (beautiful) and a coolish breeze blowing (ahh). I was in this beautiful place with my favorite person, doing one of my favorite things.
And I was complaining?
Gross.
After a bad shot to the green, I lost my freaking mind and cussed at the club. After all, it was all the 9-iron’s fault—finally, I realized how ridiculous I was.
I got ahold of myself.
Why was I lingering in the badness with all the goodness in the moment? Why was I repeating only one side of the story when there is always so much more to it?
Focus on the Better
We do this, right? Focus on one part of the story—usually, the bad-news angle.
We are wired with a negativity bias that illuminates and clarifies threats, discomforts, and assorted troubles so we can steer away from them. This is very handy if a woolly mammoth is chasing us.
[Note: Humans lived alongside woolly mammoths 2,000 years ago. Can you even imagine?]
But not so necessary when we hit a bad putt or can’t find our show on Netflix. And yet, our negativity biases and amygdalas remain on alert. If we aren’t paying attention, they’ll tip our attention toward crappy rather than happy things.
Our lives become what we most often notice and focus on—pain in my leg. If I focus on this, it hurts a whole lot more, and that pain can take over the entire day. But golfing with my husband is awesome. When I put my attention there, the pain and everything else becomes easier to bear.
It's all about what we focus on.
So, I've made it a practice to identify what makes me feel good–nature, petting my cats, reading, great pens and paper–and then to slow down and savor the experience of these and other things. To stop and appreciate the experience.
I do it with other favorites too. Like when I hear my daughter singing in the shower, take that first sip of morning coffee, or hit the four-lane stretch down the side of Saddle Mountain and smell the salt in the air as I get closer to the Pacific.
I savor these things. Give a quiet nod of thanks. And I enjoy them all.
Getting the Hang of It
I was not wired this way.
When I wake up with chronic pain or spill hot coffee over my hand, my first thought is not, "oh, yippee." Focusing on the good stuff doesn't mean avoiding the difficulty or danger. It means taking it all in–the good and the bad–and then settling your attention on the better.
In the beginning, I did this by writing "Savor the Good" on my to-do list a few times a day so I would remember to stop, take a breath, notice what my experience was, and then linger on the positive things. This kind of mindfulness practice felt like a relief in the middle of a stressful day—a reprieve.
Now, it's second nature. The practice keeps me from getting stuck in all my whining and complaints and helps me deal with the more difficult parts of life with a more balanced perspective and a greater sense of calm and clarity.
Of course, I still feel the pain and anxiety about the state of the world and the state of my hair, and the state of college football, but an intentional practice of appreciation supports me through the hardest, ickiest, scariest times.
Today, decide to notice and appreciate the people, things, and experiences you love.
Slow down. For 30 seconds, hone in on the good.
If you are in a funk and need a boost, go outside and take in the view, or pull up a picture of a laughing baby or cute pet and tip your view toward something more uplifting.
Feel the flow of good feelings that come from that appreciation. Give thanks.
Build that appreciation muscle. It will make the good feelings even better and hold you up when things aren’t so grand.
