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Key points
- Deliberate practice can shift a person's mindset and moods.
- Self-awareness can help people regulate their emotions, find perspective, and be more emotionally intelligent.
- Choosing to behave optimistically, gratefully, and purposely can contribute to resilience, happiness, calm.
If I play Monday-morning quarterback with my life, this last year—and I do, of course, I do—I am surprised by what I notice.
This year was tough. It kicked my behind. There were singular challenges that, looking back, now feel daunting.
But I didn't feel daunted. I felt engaged, resilient, and curious. Often happy.
Sure, there were times I also felt tired, pissed off, and frustrated.
Our daughter struggled in some serious ways. I had two major surgeries. Our toilet exploded, wiping out part of our house. Those are just a few of the highlights.
These things were challenging at the time—you try talking on the phone with the home insurance people every day for a week. But, none of these so-called problems tarnished the year.
And it’s only now, in retrospect, that I realize why. It's because for a few minutes each day I deliberately practiced things that helped me pause and shift my mindset to focus on the actions and ideas that helped me feel calm, resilient, and even happy.
Sometimes, I even put reminders in my journals and daily to-do lists so I didn’t forget. And each time I did any one of these things, I felt better.
They might help you too.
Practice self-awareness, not self-judgment.
When I would feel my nerves beginning to fray—which usually manifested in impatience or irritability and came out in an abrasive tone of voice or frustration with others—I would deliberately try to slow my roll.
I’d stop myself physically by sitting down, taking several deep breaths, and regrouping. Then I tried to understand what was at the root of what I was feeling.
More often than I care to admit, I didn't arrive at this awareness until after my husband would comment or ask why I was snapping at him. But once I did catch myself, I could start to identify what was going on. This helped me feel more in control and able to regulate my feelings before they led to bigger problems.
This also led to a sense of curiosity and mindfulness about what was going on rather than being consumed or upset by it.
Choose to be grateful.
Yep, I know. You've heard it before. But dang if it doesn't work to help you identify what is working, elevate your mood, and remind you that all is not lost and you are not going to wind up living alone with the neighborhood cats—unless of course, that's your jam.
While recovering from surgery, I focused on how well it went, how grateful I am for health insurance, and how appreciative I am that surgery was able to help improve my health. Then, I was grateful for the progress I was making. That took me out of the pain and pushed me toward the possibility.
Look forward to tomorrow.
Some days felt like a long slog, so to keep from getting stuck in those low moods, I found something to look forward to each day. This is a practice I've long used.
I call it tomorrow optimism. Research shows that optimism is key to healthy aging and that with a future focus—even just finding something to look forward to tomorrow—we feel happier, stronger, less stressed, and more optimistic today.
Anticipation breeds positive energy. It allows room for growth and hope and motivates you to take positive, healthier actions and do what you can right now to make tomorrow better. This leads to an attitude of optimism and long-term benefits.
When I was spending the post-surgical nights sleeping in a chair because the bed was too uncomfortable, I'd think of one thing I was excited about in the day ahead. I looked forward to friends bringing a meal, a new book to start, and streaming a favorite show.
If I was struggling to find anything that made me feel good, I planned something. A shower was something to look forward to. Watching the sunrise—something I never did while sleeping in bed, but I could catch it from the chair. Time with my daughter when she got home from school.
My point is, this was very simple stuff. took only a few minutes, but made a difference. Search, create, connect to something that you can appreciate about tomorrow, and go to sleep thinking about it.
Take action.
I'm not talking about mindless scrolling or watching endless shows. Research shows that when we are busy with things that we enjoy or that feel purposeful, we are happier and less likely to fall into despair. Take action that engages you, and moves you toward more of what you want.
When I was recovering from surgery, I would strive to get a specific number of steps in each day or spend an hour on physical therapy. This helped me feel like I was getting healthier. As I got stronger, my goals changed, but I also took some action and kept to a routine. And I do today, with work, relationships, health—anything I care about.
Each day, take on a mission that matters, and you'll move beyond the singular focus on your struggles and worries.
People who are busy, happier than those who are idle. But don’t overcommit. Too many things to do and not enough time to do them can have the opposite effect. It's when we engage in a purposeful, meaningful activity at an appropriate time, that we feel better.
