How Emotional Labor Taxes Relationships

Emotional labor is the unpaid, and often undervalued support, care, and comfort we give to others at the expense of our own comfort.

When we are comforting a sick kid, or scheduling the dog's monthly allergy shot, which our partner never remembers though we've had the dog for three years we are outlaying emotional labor. It might also look like appeasing the in-laws, making reservations, or explaining to an individual why their joke was offensive to others in the room.

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It also shows up at work when we are the ones making sure everyone feels included, or picking up the birthday cards for office celebrations. And if you work at a place that has a “the-customer-is-always-right” policy, you are trading in a great deal of emotional labor.

Ever politely served a jerk? Or figured out how to fix a problem, refunded money due to the customer’s mistake, or sent duplicate materials because someone else didn’t have time to look at it before—all with a smile pasted on your face?

How Did We Get Here?

The problem is not in providing comfort to others. I want to support my daughter when she is sad and don't mind scheduling the vet appointment or sending the card. The challenge comes when I'm the only one doing it. When it becomes my other job. For women and marginalized groups, emotional labor tasks are often expected yet undervalued. That labor is also delivered on top of our career responsibilities and personal needs.

There is still a societal expectation that this kind of labor falls to women, caregivers, service personnel, and other disadvantaged groups.

Take this scenario: You experience a racist microaggression. It often falls to you to explain why and educate the person who just doesn't get it. That is emotional labor. And it is exhausting.

This systemic failure is still not talked about much. In this cultural dynamic, nobody is outwardly saying, "That's women's work." But it is still implied. And it prevails through comments like "women are just more organized." Or my "wife is just better at that stuff."

Generations of Practice

We are, of course, because many of us have had so much gosh-darn practice. It's not been taught, not directly, but it's been modeled for generations, so most of us have become really good at making others feel really good even when it leaves us depleted.

Now that I have a name for this it feels more legitimate to talk about. It is easier to understand all the exhaustion I’ve felt over the years around even the simplest tasks. It's not just one thing it's the constant thought and coordination and management on top of the job and other things.

I mean why is making a pediatrician's appointment such a deal? Well, remembering the after-school schedule, calling the office, sitting on hold, giving the insurance info, coordinating and filling out paperwork and calling the school for the absence, and getting free from work and, you get it. I know you get it.

But here's the thing, I'm older now. My daughter will soon be on her way to college and I'm tired. And I'm just not going to do it all anymore. Of course, this outlay of emotional labor is a habit and it's tough to break. People are used to me filling these gaps, and the truth is I am more efficient and handling these kinds of responsibilities. It's easier for me because I've done it for so long. I know the pediatrician's number by heart.

What do we do?

Create a Balance

Talk it through. Since I've been able to clarify my thoughts and not simply rant or complain or buck up, we've had some good discussions in our family. But they haven't been easy either.

We all have an idea of what mothering looks like and we need to shift some of that. Mothering doesn't need to look like being the only one capable of filling out paperwork, planning the meals for camping, and buying birthday cards for the people we celebrate every year.

My husband and I are both willing to do our parts around here to support each other, and the family, and manage the house. The distinction is, I have driven those efforts. A woman with a plan. Now I need to leave space for some of those things to happen another way, without my—and here's the tough part—nagging. Nobody needs that nagging.

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We've also talked about how emotional labor lands and depletes people.

My husband usually does the grocery shopping. Before he goes each week, he asks me to make a list. It's exhausting to stop and have to plan every meal and think through the schedules every week to decide what food we need. He's lived here as long as I have. He knows what we eat.

Now, he makes the list and I'm careful to speak up if I need ingredients for a recipe I want to try. This is working just fine. And the man knows how to choose the best avocados.

Small Shifts

These are micro-bits of course. Little things in life. But, when you are the provider of most or all of the emotional labor those small bits pile up and create stress, friction, and fatigue in the relationship.

Just having a legitimate name for this experience, Emotional Labor, has helped me understand the experience better. No need for blame, just awareness. Talking about it in a new way helped me change the way I respond and that has changed other things.

“What do you have planned for dinner?” he asked, Wednesday in a text sent while I was at work.

“Nothing,” I said. “I honestly haven’t had time to think about it.”

"What do you have planned?” I texted.

I didn’t get a response. But not long after he got home he started shredding the cheese for tacos.