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Workplace Dynamics
How to Deal With Difficult People
Some people can get under our skin. Here's how to ease the tension.
Posted July 24, 2023 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer
Key points
- Difficult people at work are cited as a major stressor for thirty-two percent of employees.
- Family members and coworkers are perceived as more difficult because we don't have the freedom to choose them.
- Learning how to work with difficult people can help us avoid becoming one ourselves.
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I've got a difficult person in my professional life.
No, it's not you.
But, for a long time, I was stressed out every time I had to work with this person. I'd feel nervous before our conversations and find myself seeking ways to avoid the individual. We had to navigate long projects, and I would withdraw and avoid offering ideas to avoid conflict.
We all have difficult people in our lives. Sometimes we see them across the Thanksgiving table, and other times we find them in the cubicle next to us. But wherever we encounter them, we are also likely to experience an increase in tension and stress.
Ideally, we can distance ourselves from those who get under our skin, but they are notoriously difficult to avoid — that's one reason why they feel so difficult to begin with, according to research.
Family members we need or feel a responsibility to, coworkers we must work with, and those people who we didn't choose but can't ignore often feel the most difficult to deal with. This is all according to Dr. Shira Offer, of the Department of Sociology and Anthropology at Bar-Ilan University, who co-authored an article on the subject with Prof. Claude Fischer, of the University of California at Berkeley, based on data from the University of California Network Study.
Plenty of social norms dictate we do the right thing by family members, coworkers, and others, but that can ramp up our stress and make us less productive and satisfied at work.
Eighty-three percent of US workers suffer from work-related stress, according to The American Institute of Stress. The ComPsych StressPulse Report indicates thirty-two percent of the people surveyed say it is the difficult people at work that are the greatest source of their stress.
So, I deliberately slowed down and tried some new approaches to deal with the difficult coworker in my life. And, it helped. At least I don't feel as stressed.
Start with The Big Two
1. Listen
2. Empathize.
Then, look for what you share in common.
We were both working under tight deadlines. That caused stress for both of us. We also have the same goal for the project we are working on and want a good outcome. And, we are both raising girls, and that brings its own set of challenges. I kept those things in mind when we worked together. That helped foster compassion and understanding and we could build from those shared feelings.
Often contentious conversations can become judgemental and personal. Instead, look for the shared humanity and it becomes easier to work together.
Advocate, explain, and stand up for yourself. To help with my situation, I sent an email explaining some of the challenges I was experiencing and why and what I hoped would work going forward. It was awkward, sure, but our working relationship was already a little weird and I was tired of feeling misunderstood. I took accountability for my behaviors and expressed my commitment to the work. In the end, this felt good, like it cleared the air in a courteous, professional way and allowed me to refocus on the work.
Then, I tried to start fresh by looking for ways to soothe, or find humor—not by laughing or belittling—but by recognizing our shared humanity. Was I frustrated? Absolutely. Disbelieving, too. But, I was much more interested in finding working solutions than winning. When you focus on winning, someone must be defeated. That doesn’t feel good to anyone.
We are still communicating by text and email, but we aren't going to be bestsies anytime soon. We understand each other better, but given the choice, I don't think either one of us would choose to work together again. That's okay.
Control what you can. Release what you can’t.
That doesn't mean I'm going to slack off on the job. But, I also recognize that feeling stressed and judgemental and trying to avoid the other individual wasn't serving me or the work. So, now I'm communicating more directly with professional courtesy and humor. Still reminding myself of the common things we share.
The rest, I'm learning to let go.
It took awhile to reach this point, but wow, what a relief it was when I got there.
I'm no longer stressed every time we have to talk.
We have to live and work with all kinds of people in this world, and plenty of those—even and especially those we love—can be difficult to deal with. But when we can listen to each other, create a kind and clear dialogue, and focus on the things we share, then we can ease the tension for everyone.
Is it easy? No. But in the end, it feels like it’s worth doing.
