The Real Danger of Oversharing

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"If my husband even…” says the checker, as she slides the container of ground turkey across the scanner. “I mean, he knows better, and he knows what he’s done, so last night when he’s telling me what to cook, I’m telling him a few things.”

An orange rolls out of the produce bag and down the conveyor belt. She grabs it tosses it in with the others, and plops the whole thing on the scale.

“I mean, he’s screwed up so many things, he knows he better not say anything to me,” she says.

But the groceries were bagged and the checker gave me the receipt with a thank you before continuing the conversation with the person behind me in line.

I’m intrigued by these kinds of conversations where you feel like you are hearing more than you ought to be, especially since I grew up in an era where you never shared your business, especially not with strangers.

Keeping It Real

I’m all for authenticity.

Pretending all is well when it isn’t just adds to the pain. Honestly sharing some details of our experiences is valuable and often, healthy. Cathartic even. I’ve gotten personal in my books when I’ve written about my challenges with chronic pain and parenting because I know others can relate.

But, telling everything to everyone? Nope.

Oversharing leaves listeners feeling uncomfortable, and later even the speaker winds up feeling like she revealed too much. That's awkward all around.

Sharing Our Stories Feels Good

Sharing a story about your sex life or nattering on about your difficult relationship with your mother with a close friend over wine is a different experience and environment than sharing a personal story with a colleague in the cubicle at work. Personal disclosures build intimacy and connection when appropriate, and gossip can create a sense of belonging and build your social cache when done right, according to several studies.

But saying too much, to the wrong people, in the wrong spaces—that’s just awkward—and can cost you friends and lead to other negative repercussions that oversharers usually don’t recognize until it’s too late.

Personal disclosures spark a heightened emotional response. This can feel invigorating—as though we are connecting—and the more excited we become, the more we talk, the more our filters drop away and the more likely we are to overshare, according to Carnegie Mellon researchers Erin Carbone and George Lowenstein. Later, the negative feelings and repercussions set in.

Yet, despite the awkwardness that comes with oversharing, it can be hard for us to avoid. Oversharing, say the researchers, might just be part of a primitive search engine.

Instinctive Information Access

Researchers Lowenstein and Carbone theorize that sharing information was important to the survival of our early ancestors. The exchange of personal experiences—where to find shelter and abundant food—could help the other members of the tribe. Social disclosures were also a way to maintain structure in the group and to motivate people to behave, and be good team players. Sharing information was good for your social standing.

While the drive to disclose is still powerful, it’s no longer delivered to a small tribe. Oversharing has gone online, and it still feels awkward.

Avoid Oversharing

When we are excited, nervous, or in another heightened emotional state it is harder for us to keep quiet. It helps to be aware of this, so you can lay some boundaries for yourself and avoid lasting negative repercussions.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Listen more than you talk.
• Know your environment. Though we have become a culture of the casual, many things should remain off-topic at work and in other environments. Keep personal gossip out of professional spaces.
• Recognize your audience. The content and type of conversations we have depend on whether we are with close friends, work colleagues, or at a client meeting. Understand who you are talking to and the goal of the conversation before you say something risky. And, if you don’t want your Mom to know, don’t put it out there. Moms always know.
• Dial back your disclosures if friends have started joking about how much you share.
• Consider how you feel after a conversation. If you fret you’ve said too much, then you probably have. Put some filters in place for next time.
• Take deep breaths. I get nervous before I go into social situations and that emotional activation can leave me prone to oversharing. Before I go out, I take some slow, deep breaths to relax my mind and body and focus on becoming a better listener.
• Inquire about others. This can help you lead as the listener and make for an interesting and enjoyable conversation.

Well, That's Just Awkward

And if you find yourself caught in a conversation where the speaker is oversharing, try these strategies to end the awkwardness.

Be kind, but clear; you can even use a little humor to indicate you don't want the personal details.

• Try validating the conversation, and then change the topic. "Marriage is hard, we all have rough spots, what are you doing that is fun?"
• Recognize the nature of the conversation. Is this a friend who just needs a moment to vent? Or, is this an uncomfortable and serious breach? Then you can respond by shutting it down if necessary.
• Respect others. If someone else's privacy is being violated, explain that you are not comfortable talking about that. Or, if you are in a group, casually move away. "Drinks anyone?"

Relationships Essential Reads

Why Are Friends With Benefits on the Rise?

5 Ways to Quit the Habit of "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

These are some of the tips I use to keep my boundaries in place and avoid uncomfortable and costly disclosures—unless you're a member of my tribe, then all bets are off.

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