Unveiling the Emotionally Detached Mask of Quiet BPD

"Quiet BPD" (borderline personality disorder) is what some psychologists call a subtype of BPD. It has not been officially included in the DSM.

Imagine a person whose heart has been shattered by pain and trauma, leaving them feeling like a mere shadow of their true self. Maybe they experienced losing a loved one, the pain of betrayal, or the emotional turmoil of a broken relationship. What happened has left them vulnerable, fearful, and unsure of how to proceed. They have withdrawn from themselves, others, and any relationship possibilities to protect themselves from further harm and built a fortress around their heart.

This person is emotionally detached. They live in a desolate state, starving themselves of emotional intimacy and closeness. Even when they deeply want connection, their fear holds them back. They may do things that confuse themselves and others, such as reaching out for connection in small ways, but then quickly retreat into their shell.

At the core of their defensive strategy lies a deep-seated fear of being vulnerable again and allowing themselves to be hurt as they had. This fear can be so strong that it keeps them trapped in a no-man land–unable to reach out to others for fear of being hurt, but also unable to connect with their own emotions for fear of losing control.

Beyond Stereotypes: Emotional Detachment in Quiet BPD

In the traditional view, emotional detachment was not often associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD), commonly understood as "feeling too much" rather than "feeling too little." However, frequently overlooked is that emotional detachment or numbing oneself can be a coping mechanism in response to feeling out of control of one’s emotions. The chronic detachment that results from this can be just as debilitating and painful as the extreme mood swings traditionally associated with
"classic" BPD.

Quiet BPD is a term some psychologists may use for individuals who do not exhibit the classic symptoms associated with BPD, such as outward emotional outbursts or impulsive behavior. Instead, they internalize their emotions, turn against themselves, and have shame-driven (less so impulsivity-driven) tendencies towards self-harm and suicidality. They may feel a sense of chronic emptiness and disconnection.

Unlike the "classic" presentation of BPD, characterized by intense emotional reactivity and externalization of emotions, the quiet subtype tends to internalize their emotions, leading to a more subdued expression of their symptoms. As a result, people who have quiet BPD often struggle in silence, as they are underdiagnosed, misunderstood, and mistyped.

Known to a few mental health professionals, emotional detachment is a common core feature of quiet BPD. Instead of feeling everything intensely, they may feel nothing, as if living in a world devoid of color and feeling (though many also find themselves rapidly flipping between the two states). Their detachment can create a sense of numbness that protects them from the emotional turmoil of their internal world and leaves them feeling disconnected from themselves and others.

This detachment can be particularly difficult to recognize and diagnose because it may not be immediately apparent to others. People with quiet BPD may appear to be functioning well on the surface, but internally they may struggle with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and disconnection.

Structural Dissociation: The Double-Edged Sword of Innate Sensitivity in Quiet BPD

The way that emotional detachment operates in quiet BPD is through a process called structural dissociation.

Structural dissociation involves an internal, unconscious psychic split of a person’s personality–into different parts, each with its own beliefs, emotions, and memories.

Often, it is said that after the internal split, there will be a "normal self," which is part of the personality that carries out day-to-day activities, such as work or social interactions. This part of the personality is often described as functional and may be able to interact with others in a healthy and adaptive manner.

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The "wounded self," on the other hand, is part of the personality associated with the trauma. This part of the personality holds the painful emotions, memories, and beliefs related to the traumatic experience. It is like the wounded "inner child" locked away in a hidden closet, not allowed to be seen and heard. It is often frozen at the age at which the trauma occurred. While hidden, it may be triggered by trauma reminders, leading to emotional dysregulation, flashbacks, and other symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In people with quiet BPD, emotional detachment is often linked to structural dissociation, specifically due to the creation of an unfeeling persona. When they are operating under their "normal self" as a society and daily demands such as parenting would require, they lose touch not just with their "wounded self" but also everything that comes with their sense of true self–spontaneity, playfulness, creativity, the ability to feel joy and love.

This seemingly emotionally detached persona slowly entrenches itself within the psyche until it becomes a part of the person, with quiet BPD being a fundamental aspect of how they exist.

Given mounting research that links BPD to hyper mirror-neuron activities, it is plausible to assume that those with quiet BPD are born with an innate sensitivity and empathy towards others. They were once emotionally porous, overly empathic, intuitive, constantly absorbing the emotions of others and feeling them deeply. However, when they experience trauma, this sensitivity can become a double-edged sword. It can make them more susceptible to being hurt, and they may feel the pain of betrayal, rejection, and loss more acutely than others.

To cope with this pain, they have unconsciously withdrawn and built walls around themselves to protect their sensitive core. They may try to numb themselves to their intense emotions and even go as far as becoming unfeeling. Losing one’s "true self," in the words of psychologist Winnicott, is a true tragedy.

In other words, the quashing of emotions, particularly anger, has given rise to a barren, unfeeling persona. The once-sensitive, empathic, and feeling-oriented soul transforms into an extreme, distorted version of themselves, detached and remote from the very deep emotions that once defined them.

Breaking Through the Walls: Compassion and Understanding for Emotional Detachment in BPD

To conclude, while in conventional psychiatry, emotional detachment may not typically be identified as a core feature of BPD, it is important to recognize that it can be present in individuals with this disorder, particularly those who belong to the quiet BPD subtype or engage in overcontrolled behaviors. They may not fit the stereotypical mold of BPD, but their suffering is just as real and valid.

The emotional detachment that quiet BPD entails is not a conscious decision but a defensive mechanism. It is a response to a world that has hurt them deeply and has become their way of surviving. We must realize that they are not intentionally distant and aloof. They are not cold and callous but rather a mirror of the pain they've endured. To reach them, we must look past the walls they've built with compassion and understanding as our guiding lights.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.