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Years ago, I was in New Orleans for an academic conference. One afternoon I was doing some work in a coffee shop, and a young woman was doing the same at a table nearby. I could see she was editing PowerPoint slides, so I asked if she was preparing for a conference presentation, and she said she was (albeit at a different conference than mine).
We continued to work, chatting occasionally, and when I told her I was going to get more coffee and asked if I could get her anything, she went to the counter with me instead. Afterwards, we kept working and chatting for an hour or so, and then the strangest thing happened: Without speaking, with no coordination at all, we both stood up, gathered our laptops and papers, and walked out of the coffee shop and down the street toward our respective hotels, together but not together. When we reached the corner between the hotels, I asked if she was free that evening; she said she was busy, so I wished her luck with her presentation and we said goodbye, never to see her again.
That's the end of the story, but to this day it remains one of my most treasured memories. As it happens, most of my dreams about women have the same theme: a pleasant, comfortable, mildly romantic co-existence. Like in New Orleans, there's no relationship in my dreams, but the way the women and I interact in them resembles the "mature" stage of a long-term relationship, after the initial passion and excitement passes.
I realize I'm an outlier: Most people crave that excitement and passion of the early stages of dating and exploring a new relationship, culminating in the "honeymoon phase" (with or without nuptials). Afterwards, they may settle into the part of the relationship I look forward to, in which the partners live their lives together, with less heart-pounding passion but more heartwarming affection, comfortable and happy in each other's presence, both knowing they are cared for.
Both parts of a relationship are great, no matter which you happen to value more. I'm happy to skip to the second part—which has disappointed some women I've known, who wanted more of the first—but I suspect many people put too much emphasis on the first without appreciating the distinct and unique value of the second. As a result, they too quickly abandon relationships once the initial passion dies down, hoping to find it again with someone new, and they never get to experience the more serene calm of a settled relationship.
To be fair, some people do get to the later stage of a relationship, and perhaps they enjoy it for a while, but later find themselves unsatisfied. (Just consider about the countless articles about "rediscovering the passion in your marriage," not to mention those about adultery.) Others get there, only to realize that after the excitement subsides, there's not much left to the relationship, perhaps because the attraction was mostly superficial to begin with. And yet other times, people just change, and even the simple pleasures that were once available in their relationship have gone.
Maybe it's just me, but as wonderful as the excitement of the early stage of a relationship is, I find the calm and comfortable later stage more appealing. Spending time with someone you love, and who loves you in return, in an atmosphere of mutual affection, can be its own type of excitement—even if it amounts to "Netflix and chill," with or without the "chill." This serenity may be more difficult to achieve, depending as it does on true compatibility, but if you can get it, it is much more sustainable and enriching in the long run. (And even when it is fleeting, such as my brief New Orleans acquaintance, the memory can still be very sweet.)
