Preoccupied Attachment and Emotional Circuit Breakers

Ask almost anyone with a preoccupied attachment style when they are the happiest, and you are likely to get one of two answers: 1) when they are in love and a secure relationship or 2) when they are not in a relationship and have been out of one long enough that they are no longer grieving. In other words, happiness is an all-or-nothing proposition for those with preoccupied attachment styles; they are all in or all out when it comes to relationships. (If you are new to attachment theory, click here for the basics.)

But what about the time that preoccupied folks spend in ambiguous relationships when they don’t know what is going to happen? Too often, they spend it feeling dysregulated, worried, anxious, and panicky. The fact is that those with preoccupied attachment styles don’t cope well with ambiguity in relationships because they lack an “emotional circuit breaker.”

As Mario Mikulincer and his colleagues put it, for those with preoccupied styles, the attachment system becomes stuck in the “on position” and a chronic state of “hyperactivation” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003).

Look at it in terms of an electric circuit in the emotional brain. Those with preoccupied attachment styles were typically raised in homes with too many parental inconsistencies or ambiguity. So, their emotional systems evolved to detect threats of rejection to avoid being wounded and maximize feelings of security. Thus, in adulthood, the preoccupied person’s attachment system will be hyperactivated and start scanning for any sign that things might be amiss in romantic relationships. It could merely be a half-hearted smile, a stray look, or a delayed text response. So much social information coming into the brain puts a tremendous amount of current through the brain’s emotional circuits, particularly the brain’s fear system.

Strong and pervasive activation of the fear circuit floods the brain with norepinephrine and cortisol (and the physical body with adrenaline). This strong fear system activation will lead those with preoccupied styles to try to “fix” the problem by engaging in behaviors designed to get reassurance and guarantees of love and safety. They might also try to fix the ambiguity problem by trying to prove their suspicions, be it the partner’s cheating, disinterest, or lack of care.

In this case, the preoccupied person will likely create a self-fulfilling prophecy where they make accusations, act jealous, or just look upset and pout. They think it would be better to get the pain over quickly by finding out the painful truth than to be a sucker and live a life of emotional insecurity.

The problem is that such behaviors will likely increase the chance that the romantic partner will look elsewhere and introduce even more ambiguity into the situation. The resulting overload on the fear circuit only ends when the romantic partner provides sufficient reassurance or the preoccupied person’s emotional circuits burn out, and they break off the relationship in a fit of pain.

If only the preoccupied person had an emotional circuit breaker.

People with secure attachment styles can modulate the flow of current through their emotional systems and exert sufficient control over their negative thoughts. They can tune down their social radar, so they don’t pick up on all those negatives. Because they have less negative information coming into the system, they don’t have to spend too much time ruminating. People with preoccupied attachment styles can’t turn down their social radar because the system becomes stuck in the “on position.”

But what about those with dismissing attachment styles? They can’t turn down the volume on their emotional systems either. But they can throw the figurative circuit breaker and turn off their fear circuits resulting in a “deactivation of the attachment system.”

Now they will have almost no social data coming in. So they can have whatever thoughts they want and stay relatively positive. Unfortunately, because they turn off their emotions and have no social data, they also tune out the thoughts of their romantic partner. They do not, however, break relationships off because they are emotionally overwhelmed and insecure.

Getting an Emotional Circuit Breaker

The dismissing attachment comparison is useful, but rest assured, if you have a preoccupied attachment style, you are not likely to have a main switch that will cut all current running through your emotional system. But you can install a breaker box to turn off some troubling sub-circuits.

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Here’s how:

1. Identify your subcircuits. Subcircuits are like core beliefs. Some common ones are “they are supposed to be the one.” “I don’t have the right sized/shaped parts.” “They are interested in other people.” “I’m not good enough.”
2. Once you identify your subcircuits, try challenging them with counterevidence.
3. If the circuit doesn’t quiet down with counterevidence, try a “thought-stopping technique.”
4. Instead of thinking endlessly of the past, focus on what you will do in the future.
5. Turn off the “they are the one” circuit. If they were the one, you would happily be with them and would not be agonizing.
6. Refuse to engage in second-guessing (If only.)
7. Stop looking so hard and turn down your radar. If it is that big of a deal, the data will continue to present itself and get clear. You don’t have to go looking for it.
8. Distract yourself. Direct your energy toward different circuits, like time with friends, your job, or your favorite hobby.

If you turn off some of your subcircuits and cut down on the amount of emotional current flowing through your brain, you might be able to tolerate some of that ambiguity. And, if you can do that, you might be able to avoid frying your attachment circuits and blowing up your relationships.