Why Love Really Does Mean Never Saying “I’m Sorry”

Social missteps, oversights, and even downright hurtful behaviors are, unfortunately, a regular part of relationships... and so are the phrases “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Maintaining relationships is a basic human need, and so is repairing those relationships when our bonds with another are threatened. But all too often, apologies are not accepted and are not viewed as such at all. Rather than being viewed as legitimate attempts to redress the wrongs we have done to another, they are often perceived as cursory attempts to simply make an uncomfortable problem or dynamic go away.

“He doesn’t mean it. He just doesn’t want me to be mad at him.”

Transgressors frequently struggle with making apologies. They may lack perspective on how their own behaviors affect others. Apologizing might also threaten their own self-image. And they might think that if they acknowledge their own wrongdoing, the other person will hold a grudge or retaliate. Okimoto and his colleagues at Queensland University found that transgressors refusing to apologize (relative to apologizing) predicted greater self-esteem and increased feelings of power or control and “value integrity” (self-righteousness). So, there can actually be a psychological motive to not apologize that counteracts the social imperative to repair relationships.

For this reason, transgressors might provide a seemingly inauthentic word of apology and then resort to deflecting, victim blaming, or making excuses (which often invalidates the apology and doubles down on the transgression).

Saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is only a small part of what is needed to right a wrong done to another. Recall the last time a child said to you, “I’m sorry.” What they are usually saying is, “Please, don’t be mad at me,” “You shouldn’t be mad at me,” or “You should forgive me.” And, frankly, adults often do the same thing. If you step on someone’s toe, then a one-line apology will probably suffice. But in dealing with relationships, things are rarely this simple. This applies to family members in the home as well as to friends and romantic figures.

When my son says for the tenth time, “I’m sorry, Dad,” for communicating with me through yelling, I usually respond by saying, “I don’t want an apology. What I want is for your behavior to change.” My mindset here is that if I tell him it is OK, then I will be alleviating his guilt and anxiety…. and the behavior will continue. If I allow him to sit with the discomfort resulting from what he has done (including the negative consequences interpersonally), he may have to find another way to lower his negative feelings… and that might involve changing his behavior.

Most people who have been slighted in relationships are of the opinion that “sorry” doesn’t cut it.

This is a regular theme with the couples I work with in therapy. It is deeds rather than words that determine the effectiveness of an apology. An effective apology should go beyond saying, “I’m sorry,” and include acknowledging the transgression, taking responsibility, expressing remorse, remedying the situation, and assuring the other person that the problematic behavior will not recur. If you keep apologizing for similar wrongs or behaviors, then the apology is not likely to work because you have shown that you are not authentic in your assurances of behavioral change.

Even if someone accepts your apology, this does not mean there are no consequences for your actions. The other person may stay mad at you. Part of an authentic apology is accepting this and not apologizing in an effort to avoid repercussions. Moreover, whether someone forgives you or not may depend partly on their personality and level of dispositional agreeableness.

The problem is likely to be accentuated if there is a power differential in the relationship. This is where one person is perceived to control more resources (e.g., relationships with the kids, friends, money, love) that they can provide or withhold. Resource controllers are less likely to apologize because there is less cost for not being forgiven.

If, on the other hand, you are the less empowered member in a relationship, you may need the resources the other person controls and be more likely to try to remain in their good graces by apologizing. In this latter instance, however, you are likely to feel bad about apologizing after the fact and that you apologized simply because you were scared… not because you really felt that you had engaged in wrong behavior. If this is the case, you should try to anticipate your pattern and not apologize.

If you can own your behavior and are open to changing it, then here are some suggestions:

1. Let the other person know that you are remorseful about your actions. This is where “I’m sorry” comes in.

• Your emotion and facial expression should match what you are saying. If the other person hears your words without a matching emotional expression, your words won’t mean much.
• Let the other person know that you do not expect them to stop being mad at you and that you accept that there are consequences for your actions. You do not have an expectation of forgiveness (nice as this may be).

Forgiveness Essential Reads

On Being Prepared to "Spontaneously" Forgive the Unexpected

6 Ways to Respond to a Partner’s Temper Tantrums

2. Verbalize what the actual transgression was (preferably from the other person’s vantage point).

3. Verbalize what you think the impact was on the other person (again, seeing the world from their viewpoint).

4. State what you are going to do to remedy the situation and have it not recur. Try to be specific. Saying, “I’m going to change,” might work once, but that is about it.

5. Follow up and take action to put those changes you identified in place. Across the following days and weeks, let the other person see the change but don’t spend a lot of time talking about it or asking for credit.

6. Don’t be mad at the victim for being angry with you. Tell yourself, “I did something crappy, and now my spouse (child, friend, parent, etc.) is mad at me. That is a consequence of my actions, and I need to accept that.” Then go back to thinking about your future and the changes you are making.

7. Don’t worry about the wrong done to you by the other person. If you follow up an apology with “But you...,” this will invalidate all of your efforts. Just keep your own side of the street clean and let them worry about their own behaviors.