How to Know If You’re in Love and Why It Might Not Matter

You are in love with someone you have been dating for a while, but you are picking up on some warning sings. You are open to ignoring the signs because your love for this person is so intense, but should you?

A friend tells you, “I just can’t let my partner go. I love them so much.” Another person says, “I know he might not have romantic interest in me, but I’m in love with him and can’t stop thinking about him.”

People can be in love with someone they are not in a relationship with and who does not even have interest in them. People can say they love someone who they are abusing. People can feel love for someone who is dismissing, emotionally distant, and making them downright miserable. Who is anyone to say that they are not feeling “love.” But in each of these examples, they definitely do not have the emotional intimacy needed to create a healthy, loving, and lasting relationship.

Experts do not agree on what romantic love is

About 20 years ago, a colleague and I provided a review of Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman’s book Character Strengths and Virtues. Even I, an attachment researcher, was surprised to find that romantic love was defined as secure attachment (chapter on love was written by Cindy Hazan, a major attachment researcher; see also Hazan, 1987). The large body of literature on romantic love did not support this, and so, I was skeptical. But now with 20 more years under my belt, I think that maybe the secure attachment idea has legs. Although attraction, lustful anticipatory anxiety, and adoration (i.e., romantic love) have their place, what those who want healthy relationships should really be talking about is emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy involves a close connection between two people where they have the safety to share their deepest feelings, attitudes and ideas; where they have mutual care and compassion, have mutual vulnerability, and trust that the other person will be there for them when needed. They will need to have a balanced emotional system, strong social perception, and the capacity for reflective functioning. Each of these ingredients is a common element of secure attachment. For those of us who were imbued with secure attachment through childhood experiences with parents (or earned through hard work in adulthood), great! Emotional intimacy should be a choice. For those (45%) of us with dismissing, preoccupied, or fearful attachment styles, however, there may be work to do.

1. Close connection. We really do need to like the other person to want a close connection. We may like their sense of humor, worldly knowledge, or simple charm. Physical attraction will also be more or less important. Insecure attachment may skew these perceptions. Is the other person’s physical beauty blinding you to seeing who they really are? Or do you have the sense that receiving the love from such beauty will facilitate some kind of transcendence over all your pain and struggles? Obviously, this would block emotional intimacy.

Humor and intellect are great, but they can also be used to excess and keep people from having to open up emotionally or about their true feelings and ideas about relationships. If you have an insecure style, your attraction to these attributes may blind you to the fact that they (and you) are using them as defenses against having true emotional intimacy.

Someone’s simple warmth and charm are wonderful and can make you feel great. But does your desire for this feeling really indicate that you need a break from your own chaotic and reactive emotions? Will the other person have enough depth to sustain you after your own emotional system calms down and you no longer need the escape?

2. Safety to share deep feelings. Being able to provide a secure base is part of secure attachment. This is where we let our partner explore their experiences while remaining open, accepting, and validating. We also providing comfort and reassurance when needed. In an emotionally intimate relationship, we support our partner’s explorations even when they are exploring their negative feelings about us.

Those with insecure attachment styles will have difficulty providing a secure base because they never experienced this function from their parents in childhood. If you cannot share your feelings with your partner or you cannot tolerate them sharing their feelings without you getting reactive or shutting down, then it will be very difficult to have emotional intimacy.

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3. Care and Compassion. Even someone with a dismissing-avoidant attachment style can really care about you. But without compassion, this will be an intellectual exercise that might blind you to the other person’s real emotional experience. To really care, you must be able to accurately perceive, understand, and have empathy for their experience. This means having the ability to decenter and practice reflective functioning—another skill that comes naturally to those with secure attachment. If you have an insecure attachment style, you may need to practice accurately perceiving and reflecting back the other person’s experience. Without this ability, emotional intimacy will be lacking.

4. Mutual vulnerability and trust. First, steer clear of using the word “cheating” unless you have a verbally stated agreement to date each other exclusively. If you have trust that your partner is not seeing other people, you may be able to trust them with your deep feelings and ideas, knowing that they will not reject you for them. Only if you can trust that you won’t be rejected for your feelings and beliefs (within limits) can you really afford to be vulnerable. This means letting your guard down enough to risk being hurt. You are, in effect, trusting the other person to hold your emotions. People with insecure attachment styles might be too worried about being hurt themselves to be able to hold their partner’s difficult emotions.

5. Emotional balance and control (regulation). In order to provide the aspects of emotional intimacy listed above, you will need to be able to stay out away from fear and anger. This is so that you don’t get your fight or flight system engaged. If you have an insecure attachment style, this will necessitate practice and learning to breathe (meditate) while still remaining present and available in conversation. If you get activated and defensive when your partner opens up to you, you will, in effect, be punishing them for being open, another obvious block to emotional intimacy.

If you evaluate your romantic relationship and conclude that you have emotional intimacy, then saying you are in love might be in order. If you have emotional intimacy but the romantic attraction doesn’t hold, then you may end up with a really good friend. If you can not yet get to the point of emotional intimacy, then you might be able to enjoy your romance en route to a healthy relationship. If emotional intimacy doesn’t develop, romantic love might just turn into heartbreak and regret.