How to Be Childfree in a World That Stigmatizes It

Source: Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash

Are you having kids? How many kids do you want? Don't you just dream of becoming a mother?

If your answers are no, none, and not really, you're not alone. In fact, you're a member of a growing group of women who choose to remain childfree.

Yet living with this choice isn't always easy, even when you're sure that it's the right choice for you. It's a choice that continues to be critiqued and stigmatized—both by individual men and women and by society as a whole. It's often seen as unnatural, selfish, and even immoral to not choose to bring a child into this world. (Personally, I find it unnatural, selfish, and immoral for anyone to impose their opinions on what you should do with your life.)

If you're feeling the weight of the childfree stigma on your shoulders, remind yourself of this:

1. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to have a child.

There is nothing wrong with you if you want children and there is nothing wrong with you if you don't. They are two different choices made by two different individuals. That is all. There is no right or wrong except for what feels right or wrong for you.

2. You have the right to choose.

Just like people can choose to become parents and to have children, you can choose the opposite. It's no different than choosing your job, where you live, or the lifestyle you pursue. They are all choices that you get to make for yourself and your life.

3. You're not alone in your choice.

When you reach a certain age and watch friend after friend take the parenting path, it can get lonely on the childfree road. But you're not alone. An estimated 21.6 percent of adults (one in five people) in the U.S. don't want children. Joining childfree communities can support you on this path and make you feel less lonely as you make new childfree friends.

4. You don't "owe" a child to anyone.

You don't owe a child to your partner. You don't owe a grandchild to your parents. You are an adult of your own and you get to decide how to live a life that makes you happiest. If children aren't in that equation, it wouldn't be good for you, your child, or anyone involved for you to have a child just to please someone else. Sure, it's an ongoing discussion you need to have with your partner but it's definitely not something you owe.

5. You're not selfish by not having a child.

In fact, I argue that you're the opposite. We live on an overpopulated planet that's living beyond its means. We have wars, hunger, poverty, serious human rights issues, and more mental health issues than ever before. Choosing to not bring a child into this is the opposite of selfishness.

6. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Just because your biology and age make you fertile does not mean you should have a child. You are more than your biological sex and egg count, and you are more than the old patriarchal definitions of what a woman’s role in society is. Being labeled as "inconsiderate" or "ungrateful" for choosing not to have a child when you can is madness. It's like saying if you can jump off a cliff you should.

7. Just because "you'd be good at it" doesn't mean you should do it.

Being good at something isn't enough of a reason for you to do it. You also need to want to do it and enjoy doing it. You're not going to be good at anything that you're miserable doing. Next time someone says in disappointment, "Oh it's such a shame—you'd be such a good parent," you can respond with everything you're already good at that you actually enjoy doing.

8. Having a child is not the only way to leave a legacy behind.

Every interaction you have with someone is part of the legacy you leave behind. Leave people better off than when you found them. Be kind and polite. Offer your help and speak kindly of others. Do work that you're proud of. Create things that you want to be remembered for.

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In many ways, I argue that leaving a legacy that's not tied to a child is better. You get to have full control of your legacy that is based on your actions alone.

9. Why you don't want children is your business—no one else's.

It can get frustrating to constantly receive the question, "Why don't you want children?"—and it's tempting to respond with, "Why do you?" Instead, just say you're not interested and move on to a different topic.

At the same time, if you want to share, you can. Want your freedom and flexibility? Prefer dogs to children? Want to avoid the stress/financial pressure/commitment of having kids? Don't want to bring a new person to a messy overpopulated planet living beyond its means? Prefer the quiet and calm of adult living? All totally understandable. At the end of the day, it's your life and your opinions get to shape it.

10. People challenging your choice to be childfree is about them, not you.

Some mothers who have found their fulfillment through parenting struggle to understand why someone wouldn’t. Some men who have been taught a patriarchal way of thinking can't see beyond what they've been raised to think. Remind yourself of this. Take the high road and be empathetic with their lack of understanding. Empathy breeds empathy so maybe that will help them show some empathy towards you, too.