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Whether in the workplace or at home, we have all experienced that moment when we want to complain or, in softer terms, “vent” about anything and everything. The washing machine breaks on a Sunday with no repairman in sight; the dog poops on the new carpet; your teammate forgot to send you that report before going on leave; the list goes on. As humans, negative thoughts tend to get our attention more than positive ones, a psychological condition called negativity bias.[1] This tendency finds its origins in our brain’s evolution as our attention on what could go wrong was designed to keep us safe from predators. This bias is the reason why making a bad first impression is so hard to overcome, and critique has a more lasting effect than an uplifting compliment.
While complaining may feel like a natural response, it is the accompanying language of victimhood that sucks the life out of us. According to one report, the average adult spends 8 minutes and 45 seconds a day complaining, which translates to about 1,300 gripes a year. Complaining is not only time-consuming, but it is also emotionally and physically taxing on yourself and those around you. Research from Stanford University reveals that long-term exposure to stress, such as negativity, actually shrinks the hippocampus in your brain, which is responsible for memory, learning, and emotions.
Pulling the plug on daily rants can help support not only your brain’s health but also your occupational well-being. Negativity stifles creativity, leads to communication breakdowns, slows progress, and is as contagious as any infectious disease. According to Will Bowen, author of multiple books on the topic of complaining, including A Complaint-Free World, people complain an average of 15 to 30 times a day.
In 2006, he discovered the power of diffusing negativity through a mindfulness technique. While preparing for a sermon on spiritual prosperity, the then-minister of a small church in Kansas City, Missouri, drew inspiration from The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity by Edwene Gaines. In order to be abundant, one needs to express gratitude, not gripes.
Quite accidentally, her message catapulted Bowen on a life-long journey of abundant thinking. He developed bracelets as a mindfulness tool, first for his congregation, in which people were asked to switch the bracelet to the alternate wrist each time they caught themselves complaining. He invited people to spend 21 complaint-free days.
Within one month, he was approached by various organizations, including a real estate office, an insurance firm, and the Girl Scouts. They had learned how effective the bracelets were in bringing more mindfulness to people’s lives, and he soon found himself distributing 10,000 bracelets. In the last 15 years, more than 13 million have been distributed in 106 countries.
The book The Power of Slow claims that time abundance resides in knowing you have more than enough time to do what is truly important. Shifting our mindsets from lack to luster can have an enormous impact on every aspect of our lives. Imagine how much time we could save if we removed complaining from the equation.
Complaining can be defined as an expression of grief, pain, or discontent wrapped in a blanket of negative emotions and a victim mentality. On the other hand, expressing longing or a statement of fact, such as “The washing machine broke today,” is not a complaint. If you add, “This always happens to me!” the statement shifts from fact to fault-finding.
In a memorable acronym, G.R.I.P.E., Bowen breaks down the five reasons we complain, offering solutions to each of them.
1. Get attention.
We have seen it (and most likely done it) on platforms such as social media. We want people to pay attention to us. It’s that simple.
Solution: Pivot the conversation. When someone is asking for attention through complaining, ask them what is going well in their lives. It will shut down the gripe session instantaneously. If you are consistent with your pivoting response, the person will either stop complaining or stop coming to you for it altogether.
2. Remove responsibility.
When a work colleague, for instance, is unwilling to complete a task, notice how the person will start to complain about it. It is a delay tactic that weakens the person’s position without him or her even realizing it.
Solution: Ask, “If it were possible to complete this assignment, how might you go about it?”
3. Inspire envy.
In other words, bragging. We have learned in our culture not to show off, but if we complain, say, about our 10,000 square foot home and how hard it is to keep clean, our true intention is to display material abundance to make others jealous.
Solution: Offer a genuine compliment. “What a great job you are doing in managing all that space. I am proud of you!”
4. Power, or what Bowen calls “enrage and engage.”
We build alliances with those in our midst while gossiping about those who are not.
Solution: If you are being sucked into a power dynamic, you can shut it down by acknowledging it is not your issue. “It sounds to me like you two have a lot to discuss” is one great way of setting boundaries without getting engaged in a circus that's not of your making.
5. Excuse poor performance.
If you see someone has messed up, berating and complaining to or about them won’t improve the situation.
Solution: Instead, ask, “How do you plan to improve next time?” The question offers a two-fold solution. First, you are placing the responsibility on the person who performed less than optimally while, second, he or she comes up with real, actionable solutions for similar future situations and does so without feeling attacked because no one gets defensive when asked about “next time."
Bowen has influenced tens of millions of people in living a complaint-free life. While it takes the average person up to eight months to truly get the hang of it, he encourages people to break the habit by consciously redirecting their fears into possibilities. Shift happens when we place our focus on what is going right in our lives. Like complaining, positivity is contagious. And it’s better for you too.
References
1). Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S, Gollan JK. The negativity bias: Conceptualization, quantification, and individual differences. Behavioral and Brain Sciences. 2014;37(3):309-310. doi:10.1017/s0140525x13002537.
