Forget Your Bucket List—Try Buckets of Well-Being Instead

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Many of us have bucket lists. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself. It’s fun to think about what we would most love to do and perhaps have a plan for “someday” when we will actually do this thing. Bucket lists are especially helpful when they’re achievable and when they allow one to prioritize what is truly important in this life and go for it.

The problem comes when the bucket list takes priority over the day-to-day—when it feeds a “when this happens, then I’ll be happy” mentality. We can wait, and wait, and wait for that day to come. Sometimes it never does. And, even when it does, what do we do the other 99 percent of the time? Where are we putting our focus?

Buckets of well-being

This is where “buckets of well-being” come in. I came up with this term for myself and my patients during the pandemic. During those early stages especially, during lockdowns and social distancing, fear, and uncertainty, I found that happiness was not always so prevalent—and, yet, well-being could still be found, in micro-doses of intentional actions.

Even though I was feeling a lot of fear and anxiety on a pretty regular basis, I found deep well-being by finding ways to contribute, finding ways to connect (despite the physical isolation), and being in nature. All these things could be present alongside whatever I was feeling and became a deep “well” from which I could draw nourishment to help support me. My husband found solace during that time in learning new things. For example, he went from having hardly cooked in his life to becoming pizza maker and chef extraordinaire. This gave him some purpose and pleasure during those days of being stuck in lockdown.

What is well-being anyway?

Neuroscientist and researcher Richard Davidson says that well-being is a skill that we can grow and strengthen. He identifies four components of well-being we can strengthen:

1. Having a positive outlook (related to the ability to sustain positive emotions): Davidson found that people with more activity in the part of their brains that is linked to positive emotions experience more reported well-being. Anything that promotes experiencing prolonged positive emotions can help.
2. Rebounding from negative emotions: Davidson suggests that cultivating a sense of purpose can help in this area.
3. Experiencing mindfulness versus mind-wandering: When we are really present and focused on what we’re doing, we tend to feel a deeper sense of well-being.
4. Caring for others: Experiences that promote compassion, empathy, and gratitude help promote well-being.

We don’t have to force ourselves to be happy

Importantly, I have found that it’s important to not think we have to force ourselves to be happy all the time. When we stop striving for happiness and focus on well-being instead, it leaves room for us to experience whatever human emotions we’re feeling (we could be feeling sad, down, or anxious) and nonetheless know there are things we can do to take care of ourselves and our feelings.

Instead of trying to get rid of an unpleasant mood, we add on an activity that naturally brings about heartfelt emotions. We bring something new in to help support us.

Instead of pushing away our unpleasant emotions, we invite something else in (see ideas below) to sit side-by-side with whatever difficult emotions we might be experiencing.

I have found that focusing on small ways to fill our buckets of well-being can promote some, if not all the skills that Davidson talks about:

1. When we intentionally engage in any activities from within our buckets, we are naturally generating renewing, heartfelt emotions that these activities bring.
2. Many of our buckets can give us a sense of purpose, even if just on a small, daily basis (e.g., I might feel a sense of purpose learning a new skill or taking care of my body on a given day—and I don’t have to have my whole life purpose figured out to experience this).
3. The kinds of activities in our buckets tend to be things that naturally step us out of mind-wandering and promote engaging our attention in mindful ways.
4. Some of our buckets likely will focus on things that bring us into connection with others in ways that allow us not only to feel cared for but to care for others as well.

Finding your buckets of well-being

Sitting with hundreds of people through the years in my profession, I have come to see that we all have “buckets of well-being.” They may look different for different people, but we all have them. These are the things that nourish our souls, the things that are available to us right here, no matter what we are feeling, no matter what our life circumstances.

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Here are some examples:

• Being in nature/connecting with the natural world
• Connecting with others (however that may look, whether one-on-one, in groups or communities, virtually or in person, with family, friends, colleagues, pets, etc.)
• Learning new things (anything that stimulates the mind, from doing a challenging puzzle to learning a new hobby)
• Creating/being creative (e.g., experimenting with a new recipe, coming up with a new idea, drawing, making something with your hands, or any form of self-expression)
• Spirituality (sense of connection with something greater than ourselves)
• Moving one’s body (e.g., through walking, doing yoga, mindful movement, exercise of various kinds)
• Contributing in some way (bringing a smile to someone’s face, helping a neighbor, volunteering)
• Engaging the senses (bringing full attention to one’s senses such as soaking in a warm bath, listening to favorite music, eating a meal mindfully, watching a sunset)
• Finding inspiration (could be listening to a podcast, reading an uplifting or thought-provoking book or article, having a stimulating conversation, reading a great quote, watching an inspiring documentary, or anything else)
• Relaxing the body (anything that helps the nervous system settle and come into balance—for me, it might be meditating; for my sister, it might be playing the drums)

How to use the buckets of well-being

Unlike our bucket list, the nice thing about our buckets of well-being is that they are always there for us to draw from, as we go through our daily lives. During times when I’m feeling down, I find that putting just one drop in one bucket on one day can really make a difference in supporting me.

1. Take a few minutes or more to reflect on what your buckets of well-being are. You can use the list above as a starting point, but make sure to find what resonates for you. The list above is by no means exhaustive. Come up with your own categories if you like. If you are so inspired, you might write these down, put them in your phone for easy access, or even draw them out on a piece of paper.
2. Identify what drops in each bucket might look like. For example, if spirituality is important to you, a drop in your bucket might involve some form of prayer or meditation, being in nature, or being present in a religious service. If creativity is one of your buckets, spending time knitting, drawing, taking photos, or singing might be drops in this bucket.
3. Try to put one drop in one bucket each day (feel free to do more if you want!). Be intentional. You may already be doing this and not realizing it. If so, take a few moments to notice how the things you do in a given day nourish you in some way. Notice what well-being feels like in your body-mind-heart and let that register. As you go through the week, pay attention to what moves you in the direction of well-being. Add new buckets as you see fit.

Don’t worry about your bucket list; it will still be waiting for you. But if you put a few drops in your buckets of well-being on a regular basis, you may find that you don’t have to wait to complete your bucket list to find joy, meaning, satisfaction, and well-being right here, in the fabric of your daily life.

In part adapted from You Don't Have to Change to Change Everything: Six Ways to Shift Your Vantage Point, Stop Striving for Happy, and Find True Well-Being, with permission from Health Communications Inc.