Turning Toward: Staying Connected During Times of Conflict

Conflict, for most of us, is pretty uncomfortable. And yet, it is an inevitable fact of life.

We have varying levels of tolerance for conflict, influenced by personality, temperament, and life experience. When facing conflict, we may revert to a default position based on these factors. Conflict often elicits our biological fight, flight, or freeze mechanisms.

Conflict styles

People with aggressive, competitive personalities might typically deal with conflict by confrontation, needing to “win” and be proven right in any dispute. They are the fighters.

Others may find any type of conflict inherently frightening or dangerous because in childhood they witnessed conflicts that resulted in violence, divorce, or abandonment. They will flee from or avoid conflict.

Those who witnessed unhealthy passive-aggressive behaviors like sulking, stonewalling, or “the silent treatment” may revert to these behaviors. These can erupt eventually into more outwardly destructive behaviors.

Some freeze like cornered animals in the face of conflict, lacking the coping skills to manage the difficult emotions that conflict arouses.

Whatever the conflict style, pervasive disagreements may become hostile over time and destroy fragile family bonds. Contempt and cruelty kill the love and respect people once had for each other.

Is Conflict Always Destructive?

Many couples say that they avoid fighting in front of their kids, believing that it is traumatizing to young souls to see their parents in conflict.

But there is an alternate perspective: expressing disagreement and conflict in front of kids isn’t in itself traumatizing as long as it isn’t violent or verbally abusive.

Children’s sense of safety is threatened by recurrent battles over issues that never get resolved and eat away at the family until it breaks down irreparably. They learn that conflict, and the anger that often accompanies it, kills relationships.

They may then bring that conflict style into their own adult relationships, and the generational cycle continues.

But what if we could adjust our view of conflict as an opportunity to grow, to better understand others and ourselves, and enhance our relationships?

Turning Away, Against, or Toward

John Gottman, an internationally recognized marriage expert and researcher, has written much about how we can respond by turning toward one another, even in the middle of conflict, whether at work, at home, or with friends.

In his book The Relationship Cure, Gottman outlines three choices we have when someone makes a bid to connect with us.

We can turn away, ignoring or dismissing another person’s attempt to gain our attention. When this is the prevailing response, the other person will experience rejection and may eventually stop making efforts to connect.

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A second choice is to turn against. Instead of accepting the person's bid to connect, we push back in anger, often starting a conflict. If this is our prevailing response, conflicts may escalate and destroy trust and safety in the relationship.

The most positive and proactive response is to turn toward. We stop what we are doing and honor the other person’s need or desire to connect.

A Case Example

A couple, Mara and Michael, became quite tense as they discussed a recent problem that had stirred up much emotional upset and conflict. Both had avoidant conflict styles.

Mara shared that she felt alone in her pain over the incident. She conveyed her need for him to stay emotionally connected. Having been in therapy for over a year, this represented important progress for Mara. She was able to identify what she needed and ask for it. Mara needed Michael to turn toward her rather than against or away.

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Michael listened intently, preparing to accurately reflect both the facts and the emotional content of her message, as he had been taught in marital therapy.

Having had some practice, Michael reflected well, but it didn’t seem to reach his wife. She stared at him, with his arms crossed, and his eyes directed down and away from his wife.

Michael’s words were correct, but Mara appeared even more frustrated and distressed. I realized the problem.

I asked Michael to repeat his reflection to Mara, but this time, to shift his posture to face her, take her hands, and look into her eyes while he spoke.

Naturally, this made all the difference. As soon as he started to speak, she broke down, released her pain, and fully received his comforting words.

Mara had made a clear bid to connect with Michael. She had spoken. He had listened. He had reflected. But the communication was incomplete and ineffective until he fully turned himself toward her, with his posture, his hands, his eyes, his words, and his love.

This honored her need to stay connected to him regardless of the pain of their conflict. Real healing happened that day.

These principles can be applied to any relationship

For example, most parents, teachers, doctors, and other adults who interact regularly with children understand the principle of turning toward, either intuitively, or from experience. If we want children to feel safe, heard, understood, and cared for, we get at eye level with them, turn toward them, and give them our full attention.

Even when we are unhappy and frustrated with the people in our lives, responding by turning toward them gives us the best opportunity for a good outcome.

If we habitually make another choice because we view conflict as inherently negative, contempt or resentment takes root, and we feel justified to turn against or turn away. But we do so at risk to our mental health, the well-being of the other person, and the survival of the relationship.