3 Reasons Your Partner Might Be Keeping Secrets

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Most people would agree that honesty and trust are key factors in a healthy relationship. Yet, many people find ways to justify keeping a few secrets from their partner.

When conducting research for my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, I surveyed 1,000 married individuals and discovered that 40 percent of people believe their partner is keeping at least one secret from them.

While some secrets may seem harmless on the surface (like how much you really spent on that watch), dishonesty erodes trust. If your partner can’t trust that you’ll be honest about the small things, how do they know you aren’t hiding much bigger, more destructive secrets?

As a therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the relationship destruction caused by secrets. Here are three reasons that people justify keeping secrets in their relationships.

1. They’re trying to protect themselves.

One of the primary reasons for keeping secrets in a relationship is self-protection. There may be times when those fears are founded—like you’d think less of your partner if they revealed they made a huge mistake that led to them getting fired (as opposed to saying they were falsely accused).

At other times, their concerns might be exaggerated. Perhaps you’d understand why they spent so much money on a gift for their mother if they were upfront with you about it.

But secrets are often a strategy to preserve one’s reputation. Here’s why your partner may be trying to protect themselves by keeping a secret:

• They fear judgment: Your partner might be tempted to hide things about their past, their mistakes, or the personal habits they aren’t proud of for fear you might be turned off.
• Embarrassment: The thought of sharing something embarrassing can be daunting. Whether your partner got rejected, engaged in a social mishap, or did something that isn’t in line with their character, they may feel pressure to keep that information to themselves.
• Shame: Feelings of shame may cause your partner to keep certain behaviors hidden. Whether they have a secret addiction or they blame themselves for something bad that happened, they may worry that you’ll leave them if they reveal their secret.
• They want to continue the behavior: If there’s a behavior your partner knows you won’t approve of, and they want to continue doing it, they’re probably going to keep it a secret. Whether that means they keep betting on sports or engaging in an emotional affair, they might go to great lengths to keep their behavior a secret.

2. They’re trying to protect you.

Your partner might convince themselves that revealing a secret would hurt you. So, they might tell themselves that hiding something is actually an act of kindness. Here’s how they may convince themselves that their secret is protecting you.

• You might get upset: They may think they’re preventing you from experiencing intense emotions, like anger or sadness, and it’s best to keep the information to themselves.
• You might draw the wrong conclusions: They might think you’d make false assumptions—like they don’t love you anymore or that they don’t care. So they might decide it’s best to just keep certain information from you.
• They want to shield you from hurt: The intention to spare a partner’s feelings is common. They might assume the information is just too distressing for you, and they want to spare you the emotional pain.

3. They’re trying to protect the relationship.

Lastly, secrets are sometimes kept in an attempt to protect the relationship itself. Your partner might assume the best way to continue the relationship is to keep their secrets from you. Here’s why they might try to convince themselves their secrets are actually good for the relationship.

• Avoiding damage: Whether they know you wouldn’t trust them again or they worry that you just wouldn’t understand their friendship with someone else, they may do everything they can to keep the harmony.
• Maintaining peace: There’s a concern that revealing certain truths could make the partner angry or upset, which could lead to prolonged conflict or resentment.
• Avoiding the end of the relationship: They may know that you’d end the relationship if you knew they were having an affair or if you discovered they were doing drugs. Consequently, they might decide that keeping a secret is their best course of action.
• Fear of delayed backlash: A secret might seem small, but if they’ve kept it from you for a long time, they might fear you’d be upset that they weren’t forthcoming sooner. Therefore, they might decide that the more time has passed, the deeper they have to bury the secret.

Coping With Suspected Secrets

While your partner might justify their secret-keeping as for the best, the truth is, secrets can take a serious toll on the health of a relationship. They usually come to light at some point, and when they do, trust is shattered.

You can’t force your partner to be forthcoming with information, and you can’t make them be honest. But you can control how you respond to their behavior.

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Create an environment that encourages honesty. Share information with your partner—and encourage them to do the same. When they do share information, manage your response. If you yell or get upset, you’ll decrease the likelihood that they’ll be forthcoming next time.

Have conversations about the difference between secrecy and privacy. Discuss your expectations about what you want to keep private—like your social media passwords or your conversations with family. Discuss what you expect your partner to share with you—such as telling you if an ex reaches out to them or if a coworker is flirting with them.

Avoid the temptation to snoop or spy. Rarely does that help anyone feel more confident. If you’re struggling to trust your partner, or you suspect they’re keeping secrets, talk to someone. Even if they aren’t interested in couples therapy, talking to a therapist on your own might help you find ways to deal with your suspicions, improve the relationship, and cope with secrets.