Stress

When Your Colleague Attacks You Personally

Follow these suggestions to manage this situation while keeping your cool.

Posted June 5, 2023 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

It can be uncomfortable to work with someone who attacks you personally when they disagree with your idea.
Don’t play their game; instead, maintain your dignity and professionalism.
Open the lines of communication with face-to-face dialogue whenever possible.

Source: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

As a workplace consultant, I regularly come across clients who struggle with co-workers who attack them personally instead of simply disagreeing with their ideas. It can be stifling to work with someone who is always on the attack. While constructive feedback or alternative suggestions are often welcomed, these co-workers attack one’s character instead of one’s ideas.

Co-workers who operate in this fashion are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration and tackle you instead of the problem. They twist everything you say so that you become the opponent who has to be brought down and overcome. When they tackle you, you know you’ve been hit. They don’t hold back. You feel hurt but are more concerned with the potential consequences for your career.

What You’re Thinking

Mary can’t debate an issue on its own merits. It’s somehow my fault that I don’t go along with her conclusions. After the boss asked me to lead this project, we divided the tasks and all other team members came through. Mary didn’t do the work and then accused me of picking on her when I asked for her deliverables. I consistently dodge her attacks while she gets away with surfing the internet instead of working. I worry that others may lose confidence in my leadership ability if she keeps this up.

What She’s Thinking

If he just listened to me, Joe would see that another approach would get the job done a lot faster and with less effort. He just wants to show me up, so I’ll beat him to it. I’ll make sure everyone knows how incompetent he is.

Strategy

Your goal is to maintain your professionalism while minimizing any damage caused by colleagues who are on the attack.

Continue your game plan. Don’t be sidelined by a groveling match. Rather, show your co-worker that you are determined to do the job without stooping to her level. Elevate the discussion by moving the emphasis away from individuals and back to the issue at hand.
Talk to your colleague privately if this behavior continues. Say that you’d like to have a better relationship and ask how she thinks you might be able to resolve your differences.
Learn where you can—and can’t—expect support. Don’t try to gain a friend here; just strive for a more respectful working relationship.
Know your rights. Go to HR or to your direct supervisor if you need additional support to improve the situation.

Tip: You’re not after 100% harmony. You just need to come to some understanding that lets you get on with your work. To arrange a truce, handle the conflict with direct, clear, face-to-face confrontation instead of terse emails, voicemails, or texts, which may tend to muddy the waters.