Workplace Dynamics

When Your Employee Has a Grudge Against You

Regain trust and refresh your relationship by following these tips.

Posted December 17, 2023 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

When an employee appears resentful, ask questions to determine the root cause of their anger.
Model the way by remaining calm and objective.
Actively listen to employee concerns and suggestions.
When possible, explain rationale for decisions that may run counter to what the employee wants or anticipates.

Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels

Sometimes, employees may deeply resent you and your behavior toward them. They may feel cheated or neglected. These employees may misread your comments or mannerisms and mistakenly think you are disappointed in them. Without checking out their perception, they hold on to the grudge.

For instance, an employee who is transferred because of a company reorganization may be resentful and balk at any assignment. True or not, they may feel that you and their new colleagues are belittling them, and this feeling results in an escalating spiral of hostility.

Also, some employees become agitated when you suggest a change or a new initiative. Unless you’ve done careful advanced planning, they not only resist the change but become angry and search for ways to get back at you.

What You’re Thinking

I had to turn down Jerry’s request. I thought I explained my reasons, but he’s harboring some grudge against me. I can feel his resentment and hostility, and I sense he’s plotting some passive-aggressive revenge. He’s probably about to make some deliberate mistake for which I’ll have to take the rap.

What He’s Thinking

I don’t know why the boss won’t give me a chance to head up the new program. This is the perfect time, while they’re reorganizing the department. I’ve certainly earned the right. The proposal I presented shows a carefully thought-out plan. The boss must be waiting for someone with more clout in the company. I may be young, but I’m smarter than half the people here. He thinks I don’t know enough of the “right” people. Well, I’ll have to show him what can happen when I drop certain pieces of information to the “right” people. He’ll be sorry he turned me down.

Strategy

Your goal is to get these employees to behave more cooperatively by teaching them that speaking out honestly, rather than showing resentment, is the way to get what they want.

Clear up misconceptions. No matter how brilliantly you reason, agitated people can’t “hear” you while they are highly emotional. Use probing questions to learn what the employee is thinking and, if feeling revengeful, to find out why. Work with your subordinates to identify alternative ways to handle touchy situations. Get them to express the likely consequences of each option.
Give honest, more frequent recognition. Explain how important your employees are to the company and how their roles fit into the total picture. Get teammates to help each other. Tell each how they benefit by accomplishing the team’s short and long-term goals. Monitor progress, praising good work while redirecting aggressors.
Express your appreciation immediately. As soon as the job is done, tell your workers you noticed how much they’ve improved. Regular, sincere praise goals a long way. When possible, praise in public. (Always criticize in private.)
Plan ahead when changes will disrupt your employees. Before resentment has a chance to mushroom, take your people into your confidence. Ask them what problems they anticipate and what suggestions they have for handling them.

Tip: When you sense subordinates are spiteful, be certain they clearly understand what’s happening. Don’t fire off knee-jerk responses; allow them to release their anger. Now you can both deal with the root cause.