How to Recognize and Deal With a Narcissist in Your Life

• If you have a narcissist in your life, know that this hurtful relationship is not your fault.
• A mindfulness practice may help you learn to trust others.
• Tips for recovering from a relationship with a narcissist include setting boundaries, being a friend to yourself, and gradually building a circle of those you trust.

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If you have a narcissist in your life, you can’t trust this person—and it’s not your fault.

I grew up with a charming, unpredictable, emotionally distant mother. When I’d bring home my artwork from school, she’d respond dismissively, “That’s nice dear.” I’d dust and vacuum, clean up the kitchen, scrub the bathrooms, and polish the silver. But it was never enough. Sometimes I got dismissive approval, sometimes painful criticism. She was charming and effusive one moment, withholding the next. I never knew what to expect. Adding to my uncertainty was my father’s Air Force career, which had us continually moving to his new assignments.

In my senior year at a military high school in Germany, I applied to UCLA, the college of my dreams, and when my acceptance letter arrived in the mail, I was ecstatic. Then my family moved to Riverside, California for my father’s next assignment at Norton Air Force Base.

In August, I was packing up for UCLA when my mother announced, “Your father and I have transferred your acceptance to UC Riverside so you don’t need to go away to college.”

“Why?” I asked in shock.

“We can’t afford it,” she said.

I felt ambushed and confused. Was my family in serious financial trouble? My father was an Air Force colonel and we’d always had enough. But college, I was told, was expensive.

So I lived at my parents’ house, commuting to school, worried about my family’s finances, and looking for off-campus jobs. But that December, my mother got a mink coat and new Mercedes for Christmas. Their finances were not the issue. She had lied to me. Again.

The next summer, I got a part-time job at the local newspaper, then moved into the UC Riverside dorms, worked my way through college, and got a graduate fellowship to UCLA.

By working hard, I’d taken care of the external problem but the internal problem haunted me for years. It was hard to accept that my mother wasn’t honest. I kept trying to get through to her, trying to make sense of our relationship, wondering if there was something wrong with me.

After many disappointments, I finally realized I couldn’t trust her. Years later, in my graduate counseling classes, I found out why. She was a classic narcissist—attractive, charismatic, and charming, but self-centered, emotionally cold, and lacking empathy.

Is there someone in your family you love but cannot trust? Do you have a narcissist in your life? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; 2013) identifies an adult with Narcissistic Personality Disorder if they have at least five of these characteristics:

1. A grandiose sense of themselves
2. Fantasies of extreme success and power
3. The belief that they are “special” and deserve high-status treatment
4. Wanting to be the center of attention, craving excessive admiration
5. A sense of entitlement
6. A habit of manipulating and exploiting others
7. Lack of empathy
8. Envy of others
9. Arrogance and self-importance (American Psychiatric Association, 2013)

Does this describe an important person in your life? If so, be kind to yourself. Recognize that this hurtful relationship is not your fault (Dreher, 2014).

Fortunately, there are ways to begin healing such chronic mistrust. Seattle psychologist Meg Van Deusen has found that even if we lacked secure attachment in childhood, we can learn to trust by beginning a mindfulness practice, which helps us develop a “nonjudgmental, compassionate relationship with ourselves.” She has found with her clients that practicing mindfulness can build “an internal working model of secure attachment, helping us engage in the world honestly and openly” (Van Deusen, 2019).

You can begin your own mindfulness practice by taking a mindful pause. To do this:

• Take a slow, deep breath and slowly release it.
• Focus on what you’re feeling and name that feeling to yourself—“tired,” “anxious,” “frustrated,” “hurt,” or something else.
• Keep focusing on your breathing as you notice how it feels just to be present right now.
• Then after a few mindful moments, return to your regular activities.

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You can take a mindful pause any time throughout the day to get back in touch with how you’re feeling and develop a more nurturing, trusting relationship with yourself. For an experience of mindfulness meditation, check out Jon Kabat-Zinn’s 10-minute guided meditation.

You may also want to practice these steps to self-compassion recommended by psychologist Kristin Neff (2011):

1. Mindfulness. The next time you’re feeling down, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Name your feelings to yourself—“I feel sad, scared, hurt, angry, confused.”
2. Common humanity. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.”
3. Kindness to yourself. Actively soothe yourself with kind words. You might even give yourself a hug, as Neff suggests, crossing your arms over your chest and squeezing your upper arms, saying, “Poor dear, you’re really hurting right now.”

Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist is an ongoing process. These strategies may help.

• Begin to set boundaries with this person so you’re less likely to be emotionally ambushed.
• Become a better friend to yourself and learn to recognize your own emotional triggers.
• Discover which people in your life you can trust and which ones you cannot.
• Then gradually build your circle of trust with the people you can trust.

You may need to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor to heal this painful pattern and bring greater balance to your life.

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This post is for informational purposes and should not substitute for psychotherapy with a qualified professional.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.