Why Congruency Is Key to Sparking Attraction

Since coming to the United States seven years ago, I have struggled, like many newcomers do, to adjust to the social environment here.

Unlike in my home country of Yemen, I've ‎come to believe that the social culture here is often transactional, operating ‎on the capitalistic principles of value exchange. In an effort to fit in, make friends, date, and establish professional relationships, I ‎feel that I've had to "sell" my value to others to create a mutually beneficial ‎interaction. Social connections seem to have become commodified at the expense of authenticity.

Dating and job interviews have felt challenging for me since I finished my master’s degree. I am naturally an introvert—and where speaking up is concerned, quality is ‎more important to me than quantity. I generally speak less than I listen. Many of my university professors have ‎described my participation in coursework as “quiet ‎but contributive.”

Yet from my experiences trying to connect with new people, I've made a startling observation. Whenever I dial up my introverted ‎self—that is, listen more and speak less—new acquaintances seem to trust me ‎immediately. Once we establish trust and respect, then ‎connection and attraction follow organically.

Conversely, ‎whenever I've tried to pretend to be a gregarious extrovert—to try to sell my value, as it were—people seem to mistrust my intentions. They seem to notice the incongruency and pull away, knowing that they were not meeting the real me.

After reflecting on my own interactions with people, I have concluded that ‎connection and attraction have nothing to do with the labels of ‎introvert or extrovert. Instead, connection and attraction are about authenticity and alignment ‎with our true selves. ‎

Therefore, if you're an introvert, do not pretend to be an ‎extrovert; people will pick up on the incongruency and become guarded in building a connection. Do not try to change your ‎personality; instead, make full use of the hand you’ve been dealt, build on your strengths, and amplify the value of true authenticity to yourself.

In Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That ‎Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain acknowledges that extroverts have a natural advantage in easily getting the attention of ‎people because there are strong social proofs for ‎gregarious extroverts. Cain's genius is in documenting the power of ‎introverts who listen more and speak less, who innovate without selling themselves, who often work alone, and who have changed the world quietly—including Rosa Parks, Dr. Seuss, and Steve Wozniak.

Cain argues that the Western world devalues and undervalues introverts, at great cost to society. Her book resonated with me, and it obliquely proves my point: What matters isn't whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, but whether you're being congruent with who you are.

Meeting new people is often nerve-wracking because any new person has the potential to increase our happiness or cause more suffering. ‎Because of this uncertainty, many of us are naturally inclined to protect our “social ‎homeostasis”—the state in which we maintain our already-defined social circles and rarely venture outside of these circles.

We know that when people drink alcohol, ‎they can become uninhibited and often feel more comfortable taking social risks, like putting themselves out there and meeting new people. My philosophy for ‎meeting new people, then, is to “get drunk” with action—to disrupt my social ‎homeostasis and ambitiously put myself out there.

Creating a "Third Space"

Tony Robbins and Cloe Madanes published Relationship Breakthrough: How to Create Outstanding ‎Relationships in Every Area of Your Life, in which they use the idea of the “third space”—a concept developed by Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky in 1962. When new ‎people meet, the theory goes, they create a “third space” that cannot be ‎experienced by either of the people alone. This third space is a shared emotional and intellectual ‎experience we co-create while talking to and connecting with another person.

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Robbins and Madanes argue that we are not attracted to people but rather to the ‎‎“third space” that we co-create with them. It is the experience in ‎the “third space” that gives us the social buzz, an ‎experience some people find addictive.‎

It so happens that I'm writing this article from an airplane, after attending a training with coach Connell Barrett. When I met our coach, we were a group of individuals ‎committed to improving our social skills and learning the ‎science and the art behind connecting with others.

The coach shared an approach to creating genuine ‎connections and sparking attraction by channeling our natural, honest, authentic ‎selves. During the in-person training, we worked to ‎rewire our brains with a new mindset that would allow us to take meaningful new actions ‎in the social domain. We relentlessly engaged in exercises socializing with strangers both day and night with the implicit goal ‎of creating connections or sparking attractions. We strived to become masters of the third space. ‎

Barrett reiterated the importance of channeling ‎our authentic selves when meeting new people. Introverts and extroverts have unique ways of creating connections; there is no right or wrong way to build the third space. The key is to ‎remain congruent with our true selves.

To connect with people, ‎they need to trust us. When we try to sell ourselves, to prove our value, we often do so with noticeable ‎incongruency that creates mistrust. When our ‎beliefs, feelings, words, and actions are congruent and aligned, we build connections of trust as we co-create a positive, engaging, memorable third space that constitutes the foundations of any relationship. ‎

Conclusion

The practical lessons I learned are simple: Be yourself. Do ‎not try to change your personality because it ‎can backfire, doing more harm than good. Do not work to sell yourself or your value.

Instead, ‎embrace the introvert or extrovert within you. Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer to others. Project a congruent ‎persona when meeting new people so that they can trust, connect, and ‎become attracted to you. If you live true to these simple precepts, you will create powerful third spaces that lead to strong, enduring relationships in life and work.