Questions To Love

Your last column, focused on how to avoid repeatedly choosing bad partners, adjusting one’s romantic antennae to tune into people who don’t serve as walking advertisements for themselves, as narcissists do, but who have plenty to offer. You suggested that it is worth developing a conversation with such people, asking them questions, and listening to their answers, to discover what they’re like. By age 66, I had been married to and divorced from three men who were not only Type A but also covert narcissists. My last divorce was final six years ago, and it has taken me all this time to discover myself again. I just broke up a two-year relationship with a narcissist after thinking I had learned so much. I have now found a tender-hearted man who is quite taken with me. What questions should I be asking him? I fear I could drive this good man away by examining him too closely.

Did I hear that right? That you are looking for a life partner but there are some things that shouldn’t be examined because asking a question or two might drive him away? And what if asking a question did drive him away? Wouldn’t that tell you exactly what you need to know right then and there? Wouldn’t that accomplish what getting-to-know conversations are designed to do—reveal something about a person’s nature and character so that you can make a wise decision about the suitability of someone you will be sharing a bathroom with? You need—everyone needs—a partner who is willing to engage with you; that’s how a sense of closeness develops, your best defense against the depredations of narcissists.

It’s admirable to be concerned about the feelings of others—but not at the expense of the need for vital information. Whom you choose as a mate is one of the most influential decisions you’ll make in your life. It not only dictates the tenor of your everyday existence, your path in life, and your mental health but has reverberations well into the future (especially if you have children together).

Consider the possibility that not wanting to ruffle a potential partner’s feathers with a question might be what is establishing the architecture for the one-way relationships that have dominated your life so far. Without overtly declaring it, you are essentially communicating that your needs play a minor role in a relationship. It doesn’t take a covert (or overt) narcissist to ruin the party when you are giving anyone attracted to you license to ignore your interests.

I am not suggesting that you conduct a formal interrogation. Rather, what’s best is to let a relationship develop over a period of time in which you get comfortable with someone and you get to gauge their full measure by seeing how they function in an array of situations—with friends, work colleagues, strangers, children, wait staff. That’s what dating is for—a pleasurable period for activities and conversations that reveal deepening levels of information. Time is an important element in this. You want to have opportunities to explore attitudes and behavior that foretell the future—before fully investing in someone.

You have not made it clear that your estimation of a partner counts, only that his level of interest in you is the determining factor in your relationships. That suggests it may be valuable to book another passage on your voyage of self-discovery.

That said, here are some questions you might want to know the answer to. Remember, context is everything. You wouldn’t walk up to a stranger at a bar and declare, “I’d love to hear the two-minute version of your life story,” but you could when sitting at a quiet table for two on a second date. Because much has to be left out, you’d hear what really matters—if you listen.

What was the happiest experience of your life?

What do you think is your most important characteristic?

What do you dream of doing, and what would it take for you to do it?

What keeps you up at night?

You have one do-over in your life. What is it?

And that great revealer: Does pineapple belong on pizza?

By the way, the questions and any others are just starters. More important is asking follow-up questions. Because asking a question based on what you’re hearing demonstrates that you’re listening, and that show of interest is likely to be rewarded with trust and to elicit more revealing information. n