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Parentification
Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of a supportive adult within their family. For example, a parentified child may be required to take care of their younger siblings or referee their parents’ arguments. These developmentally inappropriate situations arise when parents cannot fully care for themselves. The phenomenon occurs on a spectrum, and it can lead to significant short-term and long-term challenges.
Parentification is a role reversal in families in which the child acts as the parent in the family system. For instance, emotional parentification can take the form of a child mediating between family members, acting as a parent’s therapist, or being privy to their parents’ adult problems, such as a single parent's dating struggles or financial woes.
Emotional parentification does not refer to moments when a child sees their parent upset and gives them a loving hug. Emotional parentification is a chronic role reversal based on the parent’s inability to manage their own emotions and sufficiently care for their child.
Stories of parentification often emerge in therapy. Examples include:
• “It was always my job to calm Mom down so that she didn’t yell at my siblings.”
• “Dad talked to me about the household financial stress. It was my job to reassure him he could handle it.”
• “Mom cried to me whenever she broke up with her boyfriends and it was my job to soothe her.”
• “It felt like if I didn’t handle things, nobody would.”
Signs that someone was parentified as a child include:
• They were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for their age.
• They grew up feeling like they always had to be responsible.
• They were pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers.
• They consistently had trouble playing or “letting loose.”
• They often received compliments for being “so good” and “so responsible.”
• They feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others.
• They don’t really remember “being a kid.”
• They find that being a caretaker feels good, even when they sacrifice parts of themselves.
• They feel like they need to be the peacemaker.
Emotional parentification happens for a variety of reasons. Some parents turn to their children because they never learned to handle their feelings or were themselves parentified and learned that it is the child’s role to take care of the parents. Others may suffer from addiction or mental illness and lack the skills or bandwidth for emotional care. Still other homes rely on emotionally parentified children because parents are working multiple jobs and come home depleted, unable to do the emotional work of caring for children.
Parentification can take two forms. Emotional parentification is when the child becomes the parents’ counselor, confidant, or emotional caretaker. Instrumental parentification is when the child engages in physical labor and a high level of support in the household, such as the bulk of the housework, and other adult responsibilities.
Emotionally parentified kids learn that it is their job to grow up fast. They may swallow their own emotional and developmental needs to keep the peace at home and manage their parents. Although this may lead to positive traits, like maturity and empathy, it can also take a heavy toll.
Parentification can impact a child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Research suggests that it may contribute to anxiety and depressive symptoms in children as well as higher levels of emotional distress, a lower sense of control, and an increased likelihood of risky behaviors.
As adults, formerly parentified children may struggle with boundary setting, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships. They may struggle to trust others because they grew up in homes in which adults were unreliable.
Despite these consequences, parentified children can heal from the experience and learn to build healthy, boundaried relationships.
Several steps can help people heal from the effects of parentification, whether through self-reflection or therapy. People can acknowledge their compromised childhood to themselves and others by sharing their experiences with loved ones or a therapist. They can honor the child who faced these challenges and validate them. They can also focus on the future and take charge of their well-being to foster change and a sense of empowerment.
Some specific areas of focus in therapy include self-esteem, boundary formation, peer relationships, responsibility, perfectionism, and hyper-independence or self-reliance. It’s also helpful to allow space to focus on exploring the range of emotions that might arise once someone has identified that they were parentified, including anger and grief. Focusing on these emotions and skills can help people process their past and create healthy, supportive, and boundaried relationships.
Inner child work is a therapeutic approach that aims to help people heal from childhood challenges or trauma. This approach, allowing people to experience that part of themselves as a child, can help them recover from the effects of parentification. The process may include becoming aware of one’s inner child, getting to know the inner child’s needs, recognizing the pain of not having had their childhood needs met, becoming a parent and friend to the inner child, and finding a way to consistently honor their inner child.
