Seven Ways to Cope With Separation or Divorce

Divorce is a life crisis, whether you decide to divorce or your spouse decides to end the marriage. It may seem as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. It will affect you emotionally, financially, and in many practical, day-to-day ways. It can take many months or longer to adjust to your new life, but these coping strategies will help.

1. Divorce seems like the death of your hopes and dreams.

Allow yourself to grieve, to experience all of the feelings of loss, anger, confusion, and anxiety. Give yourself time to process all of your emotions so that you can heal. Jamie* (not his real name) found it easy to rage against his spouse for “leaving me and the kids,” but found it much harder to allow his feelings of grief and guilt.

2. Support is critical.

Turn to friends, family, or a divorce support group. Sharing experiences with safe people who understand you can help you manage your feelings. Jamie leaned on his brother, who had also divorced, for support.

• Consider professional help if you are struggling to cope. A therapist who is experienced in divorce-related issues can help you develop new tools and perspectives and can help you navigate the legal process.
• Spend time with friends and family who make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with people and activities that are uplifting and positive. It is easy to feel like a failure when you divorce. The marriage failed, but you are not a failure. Jamie rediscovered soccer and joined an adult soccer club.
• Avoid isolating yourself. Isolation is a symptom of depression, and this is a time when you need to connect with people. You may spend time alone as you work through your emotions, but make an effort to talk to friends and get out of your home.
• Don’t turn to your children for support. They need you to model self-care and resilience, and they should not feel that they need to worry about how you are doing. Jamie often talked to his children about how “Your mom left us” until his oldest child begged him to see a therapist, and he came to my office.

3. Take care of yourself physically.

• Focus on health: eating well, exercising (even just a daily 20-minute walk), and sleeping. When you feel good physically, you feel better psychologically, too. You should check in with your doctor if you can’t sleep or eat. Jamie had often eaten junk food for comfort. After he began working with a nutritionist, he lost weight, and his blood pressure dropped.
• Stress reduction tools are essential: Deep breathing or belly breaths can calm your body and your mind. Consider meditation, mindfulness practices, or yoga to reduce your stress. When you feel grounded, you can handle your emotions when they feel overwhelming.
• Avoid negative coping: Using alcohol or drugs to cope with your feelings is destructive physically and psychologically. Your healing will be more difficult and take much longer.

4. Engage in self-care.

You can read more about many self-care options here and here.

• The important thing is to cultivate hobbies or activities that bring you joy or relaxation. Do what makes you feel fulfilled.
• This time is an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. For this reason, it is helpful to avoid immediately getting into a new relationship. Take the time to renew yourself, understand how you may have contributed to the breakup and what characteristics you’d like to nurture in yourself. Jamie told me that he knew he had to learn to manage his anger before he could create a long-term relationship. This was after several short relationships ended abruptly when he lost his temper.
• Be realistic in your expectations. Healing takes time. Embrace the inevitable ups and downs. Try not to avoid the growth opportunity, and don’t force yourself to “move on” too quickly.
• A new daily routine can help you feel more stable during a time of emotional upheaval. Jamie set an alarm to get up at the same time every day, meditated for 20 minutes, then got ready for work. During his lunch hour, he took a 20-minute walk and went to yoga twice a week. He told me that this structure made him feel “centered” and “normal” again.

5. Focus on the future.

• Embrace the changes if you now move to another home, or share parenting time with your ex. Jamie used his "off-duty” time to develop new interests and discovered a passion for painting.
• While reflecting on the past is important to understand your role, it is important to think about your goals for the future. It may help to develop a vision of how you want your life to look in a year, two years, and five years. Set realistic goals and think through the steps to meet those goals.
• Tell yourself you will be happy again. Give yourself permission to find happiness, despite a divorce. You deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling life.

6. Emphasize good communication with your ex.

• Try to maintain open and respectful communication with your ex, particularly if you have children. Parental conflict is the biggest factor in the damage kids suffer from their parents’ divorce.
• Communicate clearly and in as neutral a tone as possible, to avoid misunderstandings or triggering each other. Keep to the “BIFF” model: brief, informative, firm, and friendly.
• Limit contact if necessary. If communication is highly argumentative, or intrusive, you may need to establish some clear boundaries. Jamie opted to limit communication with his ex to short emails because “the sound of her voice makes my blood boil.” This is one way that he worked to control his anger.

7. Seek legal advice.

• Make sure that you understand the legal and financial aspects of your divorce, as well as your legal rights and responsibilities. Don’t sign anything until you have given yourself the time to fully understand what you are signing.
• Stay out of court, if possible. Learn about the divorce process options in your jurisdiction. These include mediation and collaborative divorce, both of which are confidential and allow you to make the best possible decisions for your family. Jamie was able to mediate his divorce successfully with the help and support of his brother and family. Ten years later, Jamie is remarried and feels “I have finally come into myself.”

You and your divorce are unique. Take the time you need to use the coping strategies above and heal. If you find a coping method that works well for you, keep doing it. One day you will notice that more days feel balanced, and life will improve slowly.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2023