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You’re going through your divorce and now you have the added stress and emotions of the holidays. Here are some strategies that may help:
1. The feelings can be overwhelming. Just accept them. The first holiday season apart from your former spouse, or your children, predictably brings up deep feelings. Even years later, the holidays can amplify feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, or grief. Try not to judge yourself if you are emotional. Just accept the emotions and remind yourself that it will get easier with time. Over time, as your family's routine becomes more stable, you will notice that you are less emotional about the past and looking forward to the holidays when they arrive.
2. Start planning in September. Discuss the holiday plans with your spouse well ahead of time. The first year apart is tough for the children, too. They may be anxious, sad, and confused. It's important that your holiday planning takes their well-being into account. Eventually, they will adjust to celebrating the holidays in two different households. Amber (not her real name) shared with me that at her dad's they celebrate Christmas and at her mom's they celebrate Chanukah. Get clear about when you’ll see the children, and if possible, document the plan in an email. Clear, respectful communication is an essential co-parenting skill. If necessary, work with your therapist, co-parenting counselor, or a mediator to work out the schedule. Being open to flexibility in the schedule during this time will also reduce stress for your whole family.
3. Change is good when you start new holiday traditions. Focus on creating a positive experience and memories with your children. Try not to dwell on the loss of previous traditions. Be open to creating new meaningful ways to celebrate. Some families create new holiday rituals, such as sharing a special meal the day after the holiday or watching a special movie. One family I know always goes ice skating on New Year's Eve.
4. Get support from friends and family. Call on your support network, and ask for help when needed. Holidays without your kids can be tough, so make alternate plans with others. The first season may be the most challenging but over time many people use the divorce as the impetus for personal growth work, learning new coping strategies, improving relationship and communication skills, and building resiliency.
5. Prioritize self-care. When times are tough, remember to focus on self-care, such as getting enough sleep, exercise, good nutrition, and time outdoors. Self-care means that you do things that reduce stress, that you enjoy, or that make you feel good. John decided to serve meals to the homeless at a shelter on Christmas Day because he knew he'd feel lonely waking up without his children. While he was helping others he was also prioritizing his self-care because helping others made him feel less lonely and better about honoring the meaning of Christmas.
6. Remember to journal or meditate. Remember the positive things in your life and keep a gratitude journal. I suggest that every day you note three things you appreciate. You can also use your journal to process and work through your emotions. Many find that meditation is helpful. Even ten minutes of quiet time, breathing, and meditating will help you feel more grounded and less stressed. Try to do this just after you get up in the morning before you get caught up in the day's schedule.
7. Shut down your computer. Social media can trigger a lot of sadness during the holidays as you see photos of others’ celebrations. Remember that people often post what they want to show the world, but not what they are actually feeling. Definitely don't post photos of your celebration with your children and a potential new partner. This will enflame things with your ex if they don't know you are dating.
8. Talk to someone. You need emotional support and some guidance may also be helpful in the first year or two. Reach out to friends or a professional therapist when you feel overwhelmed by your emotions.
A family that I had worked with celebrated Christmas all together for the first time in almost 25 years. The children were grown and there were grandchildren now. It took years for the divorced partners to build up enough trust and goodwill to celebrate together for the sake of their children and grandchildren.
Each season will be easier. Take care of yourself, enjoy your time with your children (if you have them), and make sure to create pleasant times for yourself when you don’t have your children.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
© Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 2023.
