9 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Choose Wisely

Source: Seth Reese/Unsplash

Choosing the right partner is the most critical decision of your life. The ripple effects are immense, to say the least. This decision dictates the evolution of your future DNA, your legacy, and your heritage—that is, if you choose to have children. But, for this post, let’s say you do.

Your offspring is just one aspect of why choosing your partner wisely is important. How about the fact that you will be looking at this person every single day until death do you part? This will be the person you will be sitting across from at the dinner table most days, hearing them chew their food. You will be listing this person as your emergency contact or health proxy. This is the person with whom you can trust to spend your joint income and co-sign a mortgage. Let’s face it, this person may be wiping your butt when you no longer can. In summary, this person (hopefully) has your back for life.

Yet, when I ask my couples in the therapy room, "What made you two tie the knot?" I sometimes get the feeling that we spend more time and energy choosing the right breed of dog, the best location for a house, or our next brand of vehicle. One such answer I heard was, “We both liked to party.”

Mic drop.

My job as a marriage therapist is to help couples connect, so I decided to do some reverse engineering and discuss a few important topics that are foundational for acquiring a solid foundation for a lifelong partnership.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Why are we together anyway? Take some time out to write down your answer and have your partner do the same. It would be insightful to compare answers, but it is not necessary to do so. It is all about understanding your why since this gives your relationship meaning and a purpose for living a life together.
2. What are my core values? This is arguably the most important question since this connects to the standards you uphold for yourself and what this looks like in a marriage. As an example, one of my core values might be eating healthfully. So, not only do I embody that standard for myself, but I would also expect that my partner does the same. If I am living up to this standard for myself, I am aligned. If I am and my partner is not, it could become a vessel for conflict and build-up for resentment.
3. What does balance in a partnership mean to me? Does this mean it is a 50/50 split of house chores despite the income and time differences at the office? How does this change when one of us is on parental leave? Or do we consider this more of a harmonious and flexible continuum where one makes up for the other when necessary during certain times of career advancement, for example?
4. Am I comfortable with conflict? If yes, what does that look like? Are there rules of conflict engagement, such as raising voices with one another? Do I feel conflict is normal on a daily basis? Am I comfortable bringing up a topic that I know could be controversial? Am I someone who would rather bury the pain than expose it to my partner?
5. Would I seek therapy individually or as a couple? Ask yourself whether you are the type of person who loves to get curious about why you behave the way you do. Or are you a person who may avoid therapy because it might invoke the need to change a behaviour of your own or your partner that is otherwise easier to ignore?
6. What does emotional independence mean to you? Are you someone who needs another person in your life to make you happy? Do you expect that person to be or act a certain way to attain happiness? Or are you someone who prides themselves on finding happiness from within?
7. What does financial independence mean to you? Does financial independence mean I am comfortable with my partner handling all financial decisions related to the family? If not, what part of the financial decision-making do I want to be involved in? What does that look like monthly? What might that look like if I decide to be a stay-at-home mom or dad? Who looks at the credit card statements? Or does financial independence mean that we have full agency over our perspective earnings and simply contribute monthly to a joint family account?
8. What does intimacy mean to you? What seems like a normal sex life to you in terms of frequency and variety? What if one of us feels that our libido drops…what are the next steps? Is intimacy something other than intercourse? If so, what does that look like? What do I need to feel loved? Intercourse only? Little intercourse, just cuddles and acts of kindness?
9. What does commitment mean to you? When things get hard, I seek therapy. When things get hard, I shut down. My religion does not allow for divorce. I have no problem divorcing my partner.

These questions are meant to act as a starting point. Asking such questions before or during a relationship will not guarantee a great union. Instead, the goal is for you to understand yourself better, which inevitably helps your partner understand you and your needs better.

Knowing that we are constantly changing throughout our lives, this is the bare minimum one should do to decrease one's risk score. Life is full of uncertainty, but if we are clear about our expectations of ourselves, our partners can better navigate our expectations of them. Also, be crystal clear that your partner is not changing for you. If they are going to change, the incentive must come from within.

Allow me to share something personal: When I married in my late 20s, I was convinced I would change my husband. His flaws were quite apparent to me, and in some delusional way, I felt that surely, after being around my presence for long enough, he would miraculously see my brilliance and start changing his behaviour to mirror my own.

Now I know for certain who was the delusional one among us: Me.

I don’t think I need to explain what transformed. He is the same person today as he was 26 years ago—more or less. And I, more or less, am very thankful for that.

This is why we need to be crystal clear on our expectations for the marriage before the marriage and also get deep on topics we might otherwise not speak about.

In doing so, despite having no control over our future, we are doing our best to give back to society. How? By creating happy parents and happy children and making the world a happier place overall.