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A young man in recovery from addiction once gave me his perspective on the painful consequences of relapse: “It’s not the relapse that troubles me,” he said. “It’s the self-beating that comes afterward. It’s the notion that I have failed and I must be an idiot!”
His comments reveal the feelings of shame that plague many people trying to recover. When they view relapse as a personal failure, their shame is intensified, which in turn can undermine recovery. That’s why many therapists try to help clients view relapse as an opportunity to learn rather than a failure, according to the book Motivational Interviewing: Preparing People for Change.
The authors, William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick see relapse as a normal part of the process of change. “Sustaining behavior change can be difficult,” they say, but “frequently, people who do relapse have a better chance of success during the next cycle. They have often learned new ways to deal with old behaviors, and they now have a history of partial successes to build on.”
Of course, as many families have so tragically learned, relapsing to drugs and alcohol may mean that their loved one doesn’t get the chance to succeed “during the next cycle.” Overdose and other fatal accidents are a very real possibility for those who relapse, which is why the specter of relapse hangs so heavily over the heads of families and friends. We fear relapse, knowing that one more time may be one time too many.
How do we cope with the knowledge that relapse is common and at the same time dangerous? And should we believe that relapse is inevitable?
Is relapse inevitable?
The simple answer to that question is, No. Not everyone relapses. Some people with a high degree of motivation, commitment, and readiness to change can avoid a relapse, especially if they are armed with a realistic understanding of the challenges and a support network that is conducive to positive change. Some people decide to get clean, plan carefully, and do whatever is necessary to achieve and maintain sobriety the first time around.
It is far more common, however, for people to enter recovery with high hopes and good intentions, only to be blindsided by triggers or cravings or a miscalculation of how hard it will be. The physical, social, and emotional challenges of recovery are intense. The lure of behaviors that provide temporary relief can be overwhelming. That’s why many people cycle through periods of sobriety and relapse over and over again before achieving sustained recovery.
Although relapses are difficult, there are steps we can take to improve the situation. Here are five of the most effective:
1. Protect your boundaries. It’s easy to succumb to the urge to solve our loved one’s problems. But getting caught up in the emotional turmoil of relapse robs us of clarity. It makes us less able to be of genuine help. Accept that relapse is part of the process of recovery and focus on taking care of yourself.
2. Express support. Most people feel a deep sense of failure when they relapse. We can counter this negative reaction by reminding them that relapse is common and that they can start over. We can say, “You’ve made it before. You can do it again.”
3. Avoid shaming. Shame makes us feel worthless and robs us of the will to try again. Shame tells the person, “I don’t deserve a better life, so why even try.” As the psychologist Carl Jung observed, “Shame is a soul-eating emotion.” We can help to reduce that shame by reminding our loved ones that addiction is a disease. Relapse is a symptom of the disease, not a cause for shame.
4. Offer hope. Since many people in recovery don’t have much confidence in their abilities, knowing that someone believes in them can be a lifeline during dark times. We can remind our loved ones that relapse is a temporary condition and that it’s within their power to build a better future. By adopting a hopeful attitude, we can encourage our loved ones to seek and find the help they need.
5. Practice self-compassion. Witnessing a loved one’s relapse is never easy. We can ease our pain by giving ourselves the care and kindness we would give to a dear friend in need. When we practice self-compassion, we nurture our spirit and preserve our peace of mind. This, in turn, allows us to be more genuinely helpful to those we love.
