Is Your Relationship Harmful, or Does It Just Need Work?

Two women in conflict and upset

Source: Amy (prettysleepy1) / Pixabay

In friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships, it can be hard to know the difference between a relationship with unhealthy patterns that needs some work and a toxic relationship that really should be ended or minimized. The truth is that very few relationships are wholly healthy or wholly unhealthy, and the quality of a relationship can change over time.

While many relationships can be repaired and rebuilt into healthy and fulfilling connections, not all of them can be, and some are going to continue to be toxic despite your best efforts to work on them. So, how do you know if you have reached that point? How do you know that you need to end a relationship?

The term toxic relationship is thrown around in ways that somewhat undermine the severity of the concept. A quick Google search for toxic relationship yields hundreds of definitions and articles claiming to help you tell if you’re in one. But no one can make that determination for you. Your choice about a particular relationship depends on more than just evidence that it’s unhealthy, and there are some reasons you may need to stay in certain relationships even when they have unhealthy aspects.

Most relationships have both unhealthy and healthy aspects. Those that are mostly or only unhealthy may be toxic, or they may just be unfulfilling or a bit of a nuisance. It’s actually relationships that have both unhealthy and healthy aspects that are the most likely to cross the line to toxic. Relationships that have just enough healthy aspects to keep you hopeful for the future are often the ones that you’re likely to stay in, even when there are also clearly unhealthy or harmful patterns.

20 signs that a relationship has crossed the line from needing some work to toxic or abusive

1. You spend more time feeling hurt by that person than feeling good about them.
2. You often feel guilty or ashamed of the way you act toward that other person.
3. You don’t really look forward to your time together and mostly just tolerate it.
4. You are frequently worried about how things will go or feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re together.
5. You frequently complain to others about your relationship or more complaints than compliments about it.
6. The relationship creates significant insecurity for you or makes you doubt your own self-worth or view of reality.
7. It prevents you from engaging in other healthy relationships or makes you feel unlovable.
8. The relationship is a constant source of distress that prevents you from being productive in your life.
9. If a person tells you that you’re lucky to have them and no one else would want you, that’s a really good sign that the relationship is toxic; people may manipulate your low self-esteem and insecurities to serve their needs.
10. You find yourself daydreaming about something taking this person out of your life.
11. The relationship with this person causes a lot of distress in other, healthier relationships in your life.
12. There is emotional, physical, financial, or sexual abuse, neglect, or exploitation.
13. You are staying in the relationship mostly to avoid being alone.
14. You feel like you can’t be yourself around the person or that you’ve changed for the worse since the person has been in your life.
15. You are staying in the relationship because you don’t think you deserve or won’t find a better relationship.
16. You are staying in the relationship mainly because you feel like you owe the other person for your past behaviors or for how much the person has helped you.
17. You are staying in the relationship because you think the other person can’t manage without your care or will hurt themselves if you leave.
18. You are staying in the relationship mostly because of what it used to be or what it could be someday.
19. Most of the trusted people in your life think the relationship is unhealthy or toxic for you.
20. You have been working on the relationship for a long time without really seeing enough change to make you feel supported and physically and emotionally safe.

Overall, a relationship is probably toxic when the unhealthy aspects really outweigh the healthy, it’s been that way for a long time, and it’s negatively impacting your sense of self-worth or overall quality of life in a way that’s unlikely to improve.

Final questions to ask yourself about a troubled relationship

• Thinking about all the areas of distress in this relationship, how unhappy are you with it on a scale of 1 (mildly unhappy sometimes) to 10 (extremely unhappy nearly all the time)?
• How much does this relationship provide positive experiences that enhance your quality of life?
• On a scale of 1 (not very important) to 10 (extremely important), how important to your addiction recovery and emotional well-being is ending or minimizing this relationship?
• How do you feel about the idea of ending the relationship?
• What do you think could get in the way of ending the relationship?
• How do you think your quality of life would improve if you ended the relationship?

"Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it." — Ann Landers

Copyright 2024 Kelly E. Green, Ph.D., and Grind Wellness, LLC

This post includes selected excerpts from Relationships in Recovery: Repairing Damage and Building Healthy Connections While Overcoming Addiction. New York: Guilford Press, July 2021