A Teen's Emotions Can Quickly Escalate Out of Control

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If you’ve dealt with teenagers, you know they can be volatile. Today’s logical, considerate teen can be tomorrow’s angry, irrational stranger. Your child might be the most reasonable, caring person in the world most of the time. Weeks can go by when they are friendly, agreeable, and understanding. Then, sometimes without notice, they can turn on you. Your teen can completely forget the hierarchy in the family and decide all that matters is that he, she, or they get what they want.

This can be remarkably frustrating for parents. There is an inconsistency with their behavior that can seem puzzling and baffling. As complex as it may appear, the truth can be pretty simple. When emotions grab hold of them, all of their societal niceties get replaced by an overwhelming urge to just get their way. When this happens, all they care about is getting what they want now and that any obstacle in their way (you) must be overcome.

Escalating the Argument

That’s why teenagers’ arguments can get more and more bizarre as you converse with them. They may start off logically; however, the more you explain your position, the more their overwhelming desire for what they want can cause them to escalate the conversation to the edge of being out of control. For example, when your teen interrupts you and doesn’t even let you finish a sentence without telling you how wrong you are, that’s often because they are so reactive, they can’t stand to hear anything that contradicts their immediate goal or belief. When they shout in your face, it’s likely because their emotions have overwhelmed their logic to the point of almost being feral. They want what they want, and they don’t care whether it’s logical or not. They are essentially reverting to their primal selves and no longer care to hear anything other than giving them exactly what they want.

This is important to know because at those moments there is no use trying to convince them of your point of view. They do not care. All they want is to get their way. As a result, efforts to calm them down logically or de-escalate the situation may not be possible. The best we can do is try to deflect the conversation until a later time when they can hopefully be more in control of their emotions.

If we remember our childhoods, we can also remember times when we were unreasonable with our parents. This is not because we were bad kids; it’s because our emotions grabbed hold of us in powerful ways that caused us to act inappropriately. When it comes to relative strength, emotions are like elephants. They charge forward, trampling anything in their path. Logic (when emotions are activated) is more like poodles. It doesn't really stand a chance in the short run. Charging elephants are not going to be stopped by the logical discussions of poodles.

Understanding the Power of Emotions

While this may seem hopeless in making things better, it is important to understand the power that emotions can have over all of us. When we are triggered and become reactive, emotions can swoop in and take control of our mental state. They tell us to make ultimatums or do things that we know logically are unproductive. It’s because emotions believe they are in charge of us and our actions. If you’ve ever said anything to someone that you didn’t mean and wish you could have taken it back, then you understand full well the power of out-of-control emotions.

Reactive teens who may feel pretty powerless in many areas of their lives start to feel powerful when emotions grab hold of them. They raise their voices, make threatening statements, and generally act in ways that are often disrespectful. Luckily, if we can deflect their outbursts and give them time to let their emotions subside, they can hopefully start to gain control of themselves and their emotions. This can then lead to being able to regain their ability to speak more from their logic than their emotions. Once this happens, it’s then possible to resolve the issues.

It is often pointless to try to use logic to argue with someone who is lost in their emotions. They are not interested in being logical. They’re just interested in getting their way and being right. If we know this, perhaps we can stop trying to reason with them at those moments and instead put the conversation on hold. The goal is to give the teenager time for their emotions to release their grip on them. When this happens, we can then try to find reasonable solutions that can work for both parents and teens alike.