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Key points
- When adults take responsibility for managing their child's commitments, it can enable their dependency.
- Taking responsibility for themselves helps children become more independent.
- Following through on their commitments lets children know the importance of responsibility.
- Keeping their word is a valuable skill for children to learn.
As caring parents, we all want to help our children. We want them to get into the best schools, to have careers they enjoy, and to have their dreams fulfilled. Often, in past generations, children were expected to be more independent. Parents would help, but by the time the kids were done with their education, they were expected to be equipped to move forward in their lives independently.
Yet, in today’s society, more and more parents are taking responsibility for their children’s choices and economic well-being well into adulthood. Of course, rising rents and other expenses make living on their own more difficult than perhaps it was for their parents, yet when does the “help” we give them turn into dependency?
Creatures of Habit
As people, it’s very easy to become comfortable in our routines. If we expect certain things to be the same in our lives, such as watching a specific TV show each week, or having certain meals on a regular basis, it can be jarring to deviate from our expected schedules.
Young adults can also be creatures of habit. They can be resourceful when they need to be, but if they come to expect help, they may plan their lives around that help continuing. If we as parents take responsibility for our child’s choices, we may be depriving them of developing the skills they need to handle that responsibility. For example, if we dictate to our children when they have to do their homework each day, they may come to expect we’re going to tell them when to get it done. As a result, if we’re busy one day and not available to direct them, they may not do their homework because they didn’t think about it. After all, it was not something they needed to be responsible for, since we were being responsible for them.
Another example could be the first time our kids want a pet. They may promise us how responsible they’re going to be. They may promise to do everything necessary to take care of them. Of course, after the pet arrives, things may not be as rosy as we were assured, and children may slack off on what they promised. While the pet absolutely needs to be cared for, if we start to walk the dog or change the cat’s litter box, then before long it becomes our responsibility instead of the child’s. This not only makes our lives harder, it potentially harms our child’s understanding of the importance of following through on their word and the commitments they’ve made.
Following Through on Commitments
When a child ignores a commitment they’ve made, it’s important they know it’s not okay. Whether parents exert some form of discipline, or just make sure the child recommits to what they promised, it's important children know there are consequences for not following through. Their ability to be responsible for commitments they’ve made is something that can make a huge difference in their ability to be successful as adults. When children learn it’s important to keep promises, it’s a very valuable lesson. On the other hand, if we continually let them “off the hook,” we may be hindering their ability to learn to become independent.
On a daily level, managing their own homework schedule, getting their chores done and following through on promises they made can help children see their power to achieve their goals. Knowing they can accomplish what they set out to do can help them build confidence and self-esteem.
We all want our children to make wise decisions when we’re not around to guide them. Each year, they get older and face more and more choices they'll need to make independently. It is their ability to make responsible decisions that helps them stay safe and away from harmful behaviors.
Developing Responsibility
Children learn by example. Instead of micro-managing their decisions, we can instead show them the importance of their own choices. In this way, we can help them develop the skill sets they need to be responsible and independent. When our children become adults, we want them to have the skills and awareness they need to navigate their futures successfully. As adults, they most likely won’t be able to rely on us to swoop in and save them when they’re making a bad decision or not being responsible. That’s why it’s so important they start learning to be responsible for themselves now, so they can be prepared to successfully navigate their lives in the future.
