BDSM Is Increasingly Mainstream, and It Boosts Intimacy

Until about 12 years ago, most sexologists considered BDSM—bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism—a fringe sexual activity that interested no more than a small percent of the adult population. A 1971 University of Miami study showed that 8 percent of men and 5 percent of women admitted engaging in BDSM play. A book from that era, Sexual Behavior in the 1970s (1974), suggested that 3 percent of men and 5 percent of women were into it.

But beginning in 2011, perceptions of BDSM began to change. That was the year British author E.L. James published the first volume of her BDSM romance trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey. Critics panned it, but readers—overwhelmingly women—ate it up. The book quickly became the fastest-selling novel in the history of British fiction. It also topped best-seller lists in the U.S., was translated into 52 languages, and sold like wildfire worldwide. After only a half-dozen years in print, it had sold 150 million copies, making it by far the best-selling novel of all time. As the book became popular, sex-toy marketers reported a major surge in sales of BDSM gear, and hardware stores reported an unexpected spike in sales of rope. Fifty Shades also spawned a successful movie franchise.

The unexpected popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey piqued researchers’ interest in BDSM. Since the novel’s publication, studies of BDSM in sexuality journals have increased markedly. In addition, after Fifty Shades’ publication, a much larger proportion of the population was willing to admit to BDSM play. A 2015 survey of a representative sample of 2,021 American adults by Indiana University researchers showed that elements of BDSM were fairly popular, such as spanking (30 percent), Dominant/submissive (D/s) role-playing (22 percent), restraint (20 percent), and flogging (13 percent). And a survey of 30,000 Americans by condom maker Durex found that 36 percent of U.S. adults said they’d used blindfolds and/or other BDSM gear during lovemaking.

Recently, investigators in Denmark and Norway reported the results of a large survey that provides a snapshot of current interest in BDSM and its impact on relationships.

The Study

The investigators recruited participants by sending emails to 12,000 Norwegian adults who had previously participated in Gallup surveys. A total of 4,148 people responded—2,181 men (52 percent), and 1,967 women (47 percent), which makes this one of the largest surveys of BDSM ever conducted. Participants' average age was 47; 94 percent identified as heterosexual; three-quarters were involved in relationships; and 60 percent were college graduates, a greater proportion than within the Norwegian public, but previous studies agree that BDSM players tend to have more years of education than average. Participants completed an anonymous Internet survey.​​​​​​​

The study showed that overall, 34 percent of surveyed adults admitted BDSM play. Given the reticence to admit activities that have been historically stigmatized, actual figures are undoubtedly higher. But here’s what the researchers found:

• Dom/sub role play (master/slave, teacher/student)—17 percent.
• Consensual dom/sub intense sensation (i.e. pain)—16 percent.
• Other role play (doctor/patient)—14 percent.
• Bondage play—10 percent

Norway and the U.S. differ culturally, but there’s little reason to believe that these results can’t be extrapolated to Europe and North America.

The upshot is that approximately one-third of adults admit BDSM play. This means that virtually everyone knows someone into BDSM.

How BDSM Impacts Relationships

Couple therapists have voiced mixed feelings about BDSM. A survey published in 2013—two years after Fifty Shades—showed that one-third of therapists considered it bad for relationships. But a 2018 report showed that BDSM and non-BDSM (“vanilla”) couples expressed the same level of relationship satisfaction. Other reports have shown that among the top reasons for engaging in BDSM were partners’ deep trust in one another and the closeness BDSM engenders, both key indicators of good relationships.

Intimacy involves self-revelation, showing your partner who you really are. But self-revelation can feel scary—especially when people feel their sexual fantasies mark them as weird or perverted. Consequently, many people never discuss their sexual fantasies with anyone, which means their relationships are less intimate than they could be. But when people admit BDSM fantasies and their partners don’t recoil, but instead say, “That sounds like fun,” it encourages new closeness that feels profoundly intimate and deepens mutual love in ways that committed BDSM players say “transcends sex."

The emerging consensus among sex researchers is that, given sincere mutual interest in BDSM and sincere mutual consent, kinky play often enhances relationships and increases emotional intimacy.

Many BDSM aficionados say they feel sorry for couples who don’t play that way because they can’t possibly approach the self-revelatory intimacy fostered by kinky relationships. That’s debatable. But this study adds to the growing literature showing that interest in BDSM is quite prevalent, and that when it’s mutually consensual, playing that way usually enhances relationships.