Where the Desire for BDSM Comes From

In the mega-blockbuster novel Fifty Shades of Grey, the male protagonist, Christian Grey, discovers his desire to play the dominant in BDSM as a result of horrendous child abuse. While that’s possible, it’s not common. People who are into BDSM have no higher rates of abuse victimization than the general population.

But Grey’s fictional experience raises a question: Why do people get into BDSM and other kinky play? Where do kinky desires come from? Recently researchers at UC Santa Cruz asked 260 kink-identified individuals why they felt attracted to it. Their study's findings help us understand why anyone is sexually into anything.

The Study

The investigators recruited adults from the kink-oriented social network, fetlife.com. They did not define “kinky.” They let respondents define it for themselves.

The participants were gender-diverse: 44% cisgender men, 39% cisgender women, 9% genderfluid/queer, 2% transmen, and 1% transwomen.

The sample was also sexually diverse: 28% heterosexual, 23% bisexual, 7% gay, 2% lesbian, and 38% other (heteroflexible, pansexual, queer, questioning, or asexual).

Participants ranged from 18 to elderly, and lived in 21 countries, but the top six were all English-speaking: the U.S. (65% of the sample), U.K. (11%), South Africa (5%), Canada (4%), Australia (4%), and Ireland (1%). Of the participants, 86% identified as white.

The researchers asked them to reply to two questions: “Have you pondered why you’re kinky? And if so, why do you think you are into the kinks you’re into?”

It’s Nature: Who I Am

Respondents could cite more than one reason, so replies add up to more than 100%.

The overwhelming majority (95%) said being kinky was their nature, an expression of who they were at a deep, fundamental level. About one-quarter (22%) said kink was genetic, while three-quarters (73%) said it reflected their personality, taste, or lifestyle.

Those who cited genetics commented:

• “I was born this way.”
• “It’s my nature, my biology.”
• “I think it’s at least somewhat genetic. I have relatives who are also kinky.”
• “If there’s such a thing as a kink gene, I have it. My kinkiness can’t be explained any other way.”

The rest said their interest in kink was a natural extension of their personalities:

• “I just accept myself for who I am, and try to be happy.”
• “I’m adventurous. I like to travel, scuba dive, and get as far away from civilization as possible—to ‘go where no man has gone before.’”
• “I could be kinky because I’m an insatiable learner. I’m curious about everything and open to most things, especially when they involve self-discovery.”

It’s Nurture: My Life Experiences, or How I Grew Up

Almost 4 in 10 respondents (38%) said they were kinky because of experiences growing up, both positive and negative: their parents’ approach to child-rearing, the media (books, movies), childhood play, and trauma a la Christian Grey. Most of those who cited nurture could point to specific incidents or series of events that propelled them toward kink:

• “My parents were too lenient. I like having an authority figure.”
• “As a kid, I loved playing cowboys and Indians. I was always up for being the cowboy tied up by the Indians.”
• “I grew up starved for emotional intimacy. I recovered by getting into power exchange, which is incredibly intimate.”
• “I was raised to do as I was told on threat of punishment. So I became a people-pleaser—and a sub.”
• “I read lots of comic books. Wonder Woman gets tied up all the time. I found that appealing.”

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It’s a Mystery

One-quarter of study participants said they had no idea why they were kinky. Many dismissed both nature and nurture:

• “I don’t know where it came from.”
• “I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the how and why. Some things have no explanation. Sometimes it’s easier to point to an explanation than to realize there isn’t one.”
• "I think everyone is kinky. ‘Normal’ is just a word we use to describe people we don’t know very well.”

The Trauma Connection

Among the “nurture” group, about half said trauma had contributed to their interest in kink. Few went into detail. But most implied that as children, they’d felt used or exploited. Most said they felt attracted to BDSM because of the clear agreements between doms and subs, with safe words giving subs control of the play. Many called that “healing."

• “I enjoy being a sub. I have all the power. It might not look that way, but at any time, I can say my safe word, and everything stops. I feel glad to have met so many wonderful people who are open to my taking control this way.”
• “It’s about healing my childhood trauma—but now I have a sense of mastery.”

Therapists are divided about the advisability of child abuse survivors getting involved in kinky play. Those opposed often say kink reflects being “stuck” in the trauma and unable to get past it. Those in favor argue that for survivors who become subs, safe words give them total control of all the action and often help them feel they’ve regained the power they once felt deprived of. This study’s previously traumatized participants called kink healing, a way to re-empower themselves in intimate relationships.

Where Does Any Sexuality Come From?

Historically, there was only one “normal” type of sex, penis-vagina intercourse (PVI) that enabled reproduction. Until the final quarter of the 20^th century, those involved in anything else were considered abnormal—and a small army of researchers strove to identify what caused their “paraphilias.”

But there’s much more to heterosexual sex than PVI. Where does the rest of heterosexual lovemaking come from? What causes kissing? Erotic massage? Oral sex? Anal play? Or enjoyment of sex toys? Some heterosexuals say their erotic inclinations are their nature, who they’ve been since birth. Others point to nurture, to their life experiences. And some say they have no idea.

Where does any sex—heterosexual, LGBT+, kinky—come from? All we can state with certainty is that everyone is sexually unique, and that our sexuality is as individual as our DNA. Nature and nurture both contribute. However, beyond those influences, the origins of sexuality are obscure. As we wrestle with what produced whatever our sexuality might be, it’s important to understand that ultimately, it remains a mystery.

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