No, Men Are Not Always in the Mood for Sex

If there’s one thing we know, or think we know, about sex, it’s that men are always in the mood, always hungry for sex, and can’t wait to hustle women (or other men or nonbinary partners) into bed. That’s what Canadian sex researcher Sarah Hunter Murray believed, too—until she reviewed the research on men and desire and found that the stereotype is mistaken because it ignores the many subtle nuances of men’s desire.

Why We Believe Men Can’t Get Enough

The myth of men’s sexual insatiability didn’t come from nowhere. Here’s why we believe men are always up for sex:

• Most young men—teens and young adults—are easily aroused and often feel randy, so much so that, even when not thinking about sex, they may experience spontaneous erections and, while sleeping, wet dreams.
• The conventional wisdom says that compared with women, men want more sex more often. Hence the adage: Men lust, but women want to feel desired.
• Men are raised to pursue women. If they get shot down, they’re raised to pick themselves up and renew the pursuit.
• In TV and movies, men are almost always eager for sex. And on the billion pages of Internet pornography, virtually all men are sexually aroused virtually all the time.
• Many men feel peer pressure to prove their masculinity by relentlessly chasing women, even when they already have partners.
• Finally, evolutionary psychologists explain that men with genes for hyper-sexuality are more likely to father children and pass that trait to their male offspring. In other words, the theory goes, lust is hard-wired into men’s DNA.

Not Always Insatiable

Yes, some men feel almost constantly libidinous. But Murray’s research convinced her that the conventional wisdom is often mistaken. Here’s what her review of more than 100 studies revealed:

• Most men’s libidos peak during their teens and twenties. Subsequently, it slowly subsides, especially for men in long-term relationships. By men’s thirties and forties, their sexual urgency usually begins to subside, particularly if they’re raising children and have demanding careers. Libido usually continues to subside as men grow older, especially if they develop chronic medical conditions. To be sure, men in their 60s and older usually retain some interest in sex, but erotic Fourth-of-July fireworks usually yield to the cozy comfort of Thanksgiving.
• Men are raised to believe they “should be” macho and sexually obsessed all the time, even if they’re not. Several studies have asked men how often they want sex and have it—while hooked up to lie detectors or not. When men believe their lies are detectable, they consistently report less desire and less sex.
• When couples consult sex therapists for desire differences, in around half of all cases, it’s the woman who wants more sex. For a poignant, humorous look at such a couple, see the film Hope Springs, starring Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep.
• The myth is that men “take” sex from women without regard to their partners’ pleasure or orgasms. Actually, most men focus intently on their partners’ sexual pleasure and satisfaction. And like women, they want to feel wanted. If they don’t, their own desire suffers.
• Many believe that men’s sexual insatiability sends them to porn sites, where they fall down a rabbit hole and watch—and self-sex—for hours daily. Actually, only two men per 1,000 watch porn for more than two hours at a time. One of the world’s most popular porn sites, PornHub, publishes annual audience statistics. More than half of viewers spend less than five minutes per visit, and 86 percent—almost nine out of 10—spent less than 20 minutes. For the vast majority of men, porn is not a black hole. It’s more like a coffee break.
• While men are raised to pursue women, a robust research literature shows that many men would rather not be the exclusive sexual initiators. Most men would like women to come on to them more than the majority of women do.
• The conventional wisdom says that when women reject men’s advances, they quickly pivot to lusting after other women. Actually, rejections hurt men’s feelings—and libidos.
• Many women report acquiescing to sex when they feel little or no desire, and several studies show that men do this just as often as women, for usually for the same reason: to avoid upsetting their partners.
• The myth says that men never turn down an opportunity for sex. Actually, many do, especially if they’re ill, fatigued, under stress, or have pressing responsibilities or chronic medical conditions.

Different Planets?

Psychologist John Gray’s 1992 book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus proclaimed that the two genders feel so differently about sex and relationships that it’s as though they’re from different planets. The book sold more than 15 million copies, and was the top-selling nonfiction book of the 1990s. It embraced many of the myths just discussed. But as far as sexual desire is concerned, Gray got it wrong. Men and women are not from Mars or Venus. Both genders hail from the planet between those two, Earth, and have attitudes toward sex that are usually more similar than different.