Does Everyone Else Have More Sex Than You Do?

Many people believe that they have considerably less partnered sex than other coupled Americans and feel distressed about missing out. A recent study puts sexual frequency in surprising perspective. It shows that around one-third of American adults have no partnered sex at all, and that only one-quarter report making love weekly or more.

The study was conducted by sexologists at Indiana University and the University of Minnesota, who analyzed the nation’s sexual frequency, both partnered and solo, using data from the 2021 National Survey of Sexual Wellbeing, a representative survey of 3,770 U.S. adults (1,958 women, 1,784 men, 28 nonbinary). The sample was sufficiently large and representative to produce credible findings.

Of course, it’s tricky to study sexual frequency. Many men overestimate to appear studly. Many women underestimate to appear demure. Fortunately, statisticians have tools that can correct for such dissembling and allow researchers to get close to the truth. These researchers used those tools, in my view, producing reasonably credible estimates of Americans’ sexual frequency.

How Often Do Americans Do It?

(Figures are for the year prior to completing the survey.)

• No partner sex all: Men 35 percent. Women 37 percent.
• A few times during the past year: Men 17 percent. Women 14 percent.
• Once a month: Men 8 percent. Women 6 percent.
• Two to three times per month: Men 18 percent. Women 17 percent.
• Once a week: Men 10 percent. Women 11 percent.
• Two to three times per week: Men 11 percent. Women 12 percent.
• Almost daily: Men 2 percent. Women 2 percent.

One-third of Americans had no partnered sex at all. This agrees with other studies showing record—and increasing—levels of celibacy. See my previous post.

Among those who had partnered sex, the largest group did it one to four times a month—men 36 percent, women 34 percent. But only a bit more than 10 percent reported sex more than weekly (13 percent of men, 14 percent of women).

So, Americans are having less sex than many people believe. Why? No one knows for sure, but reasons include: increased stress, increased social isolation due to remote work, compulsive use of social media and the internet, less marriage and a growing population of single people, increased legal support for women to say no, and the difficulty of meeting partners in a #MeToo social environment more sensitive than ever to sexual harassment.

How Often Do Americans Want It?

The researchers also asked how often respondents desired sex.

• Much more often: Men 41 percent. Women 21 percent.
• A little more often: Men 31 percent. Women 26 percent.
• No change, right frequency: Men 27 percent. Women 45 percent.
• Less often: Men 1 percent. Women 3 percent.
• Much less often: Men 1 percent. Women 3 percent.

No surprise, compared with women, men want more sex. Men also feel more sexually frustrated. Almost half of the women (45 percent) said they felt fine about their frequency, but only one-quarter of the men (27 percent) agreed.

Solo Sex: How Often?

Finally, the researchers asked about self-sexing. Compared with partnered sex frequency, it’s even more challenging to gauge solo sex, which is stigmatized, so respondents may dissemble even more. Still, using today’s statistical tools, reasonable estimates are possible:

• Not at all last year: Men 24 percent. Women 34 percent.
• A few times: Men 17 percent. Women 25 percent.
• Once a month: Men 6 percent. Women 10 percent.
• Two to three times per month: Men 16 percent. Women 13 percent.
• Once a week: Men 9 percent. Women 4 percent.
• Two to three times per week: Men 17 percent. Women 4 percent.
• Almost daily: Men 10 percent. Women < 1 percent.

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No surprise, compared with women, men self-sex much more often. One-third of men (36 percent) do it weekly or more, but only 8 percent of women.

Meanwhile, many people believe that everyone self-sexes. No. One-third of women (34 percent) and one-quarter of men (24 percent) said they don’t at all.

Solo Sex: Why or Why Not?

The researchers explored why Americans do or don’t self-sex. Most people cite two reasons for doing it: to make up for lack of partner sex, and among those with partners, to enjoy themselves. The literature supports both assertions. Survey respondents agreed, but also listed more reasons:

• Pleasure: Men 66 percent. Women 64 percent.
• To relax, relieve stress: Men 63 percent. Women 62 percent.
• Feeling horny: Men 54 percent. Women 49 percent.
• To compensate for sexual frustration: Men 49 percent. Women 34 percent.
• To fall asleep: Men 21 percent. Women 26 percent.
• To make the most of erotic fantasies: Men 28 percent. Women 17 percent.
• To end distracting arousal and get on with life: Men 12 percent. Women 9 percent.
• Boredom: Men 11 percent. Women 4 percent.
• My partner encourages me: Men 5 percent. Women 4 percent.
• I can’t stop myself: Men 7 percent. Women 2 percent.

Respondents also listed reasons why they don’t self-sex:

• I’m not interested: Men 49 percent. Women 69 percent.
• I’m in a committed relationship: Men 20 percent. Women 13 percent.
• It contradicts my morals/values: Men 14 percent. Women 11 percent.
• My partner discourages it: Men 11 percent. Women 2 percent.
• It’s against my religion: Men 9 percent. Women 8 percent.
• I feel bad after: Men 5 percent. Women 4 percent.
• No privacy: Men 4 percent. Women 4 percent.
• It feels like cheating: Men 4 percent. Women 3 percent.
• It’s bad for health: Men 4 percent. Women < 1 percent.
• I’m trying to stop watching porn: Men < 1 percent. Women < 1 percent.

Several surprises here: Half the men (49 percent) said they were not interested. This contradicts the widely held belief that men spend their lives preoccupied by sexual thoughts and actions.

The men were slightly more judgmental than the women. The margins were slim, but more men than women said self-sexing violated their morals, values, religion, and relationships.

Curiously, fewer than 1 percent of men said they abstained to quit watching porn. Given the prominence of stridently anti-porn "NoFap" and sex-addiction discussions on the internet, I would have thought many more men feel this way. Apparently not.

Bottom Lines

• American adults are less sexual than many believe. One-third say they’re celibate.
• Among partnered Americans, the most typical frequency is one to four times a month.
• Compared with women, men feel more sexually frustrated. Almost three-quarters of men said they wanted more sex (72 percent). But fewer than half of women said that (47 percent).
• Very few people want less partnered sex, men 2 percent, women 6 percent.
• Men self-sex much more than women. But in all genders, solo sex frequency varies tremendously from none to daily.
• There are a surprisingly large number of reasons why people do or don’t self-sex.

This study shows a broader range of sexual activity and desire than many people, myself included, would guess. The more sex researchers delve into sexuality, the more diversity they find. So, take conventional sex wisdom with a grain of salt.