My Problem or Yours?

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Angie’s friend tells her she’s selfish for not boycotting a store that silenced their workers' union. Greg’s roommate gets annoyed at him for not hanging out because he wants to study for midterms. Carla wants to leave a volunteer group but is worried that the director will call her a quitter.

These are situations similar to those my clients face (names and other details were changed for confidentiality), which lead them to experience distress over other people’s emotions.

For people-pleasers like me, such conflicts seem like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations. We feel forced to choose either to stew in resentment or bear the brunt of the other person’s demands if we confront them. In some cases, we fear our own emotions will become too difficult to control. I can relate to this because there have been times when my resentment spilled over into hurtful words I later regretted.

I spent years trying to crack this anger-shame cycle and concluded that much of it could be mitigated if I compartmentalized which emotional reactions were my responsibility and which were the other person’s. For example, while Angie, Greg, and Carla’s distress are their problems to cope with, the issues others were having with them are theirs.

Sure, there are plenty of people who don’t take enough responsibility for the pain they cause others. Here, though, I focus on the difficulties that emerge when people like me lean too far in the other direction of making others’ emotions their problem. We have trouble distinguishing when others’ negative reactions towards us are their problem, and we believe that if we don’t concern ourselves with their emotions, we will come off as uncaring.

Ironically, though, this kind of thinking fuels resentment, which is poison for relationships. It does so by setting the stage for constructing a story of being a victim oppressed by the other’s excessive demands or blaming yourself for their problems and believing you have to make up for it by appeasing them.

Signs that you are creating this kind of story include obsessing about interactions with the individuals involved, feeling resentment and bitterness, and having a lot of “Why me?” thoughts, such as, “Why do I put in more effort and still get the most flack?”

Generally, I’ve found that allowing people to own their problems is a gift to all involved. It means you can channel your urge to care by caring enough to give others the freedom to manage their own issues.

Allowing others to own their problems inspires radical openness, a philosophical principle from radically open dialectical behavior therapy (RO-DBT) that is important for mental health. It entails being curious about how others see the world and questioning your perceptions without excessive self-criticism or defensively reacting to others.

An example of how compartmentalizing problems can strengthen relationships came into play recently with my 9-year-old daughter. I offered her French toast for breakfast, and she was fine with it. However, she got upset later that morning when she realized she had ordered French toast for school lunch that day as well. She heatedly said she was going to skip lunch, and I said that was OK because she could eat when she got home.

“I thought you would care more about me!” she exclaimed. I calmly told her I was giving her the freedom to choose when and what she ate. Later that day, she told me that she enjoyed eating French toast twice in one day and joked with her friends that she might ask me to make it for dinner, too!

Getting over self-doubt and holding your values close to heart can help, though. In this case, I focused on helping my child become more resilient.

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Caring without taking on others’ problems takes time and practice. These pointers can help you along the way:

1. Practice freeing self-talk.

While hurtful behavior might warrant action (e.g., openly communicating with others about how their behaviors are impacting you, setting boundaries, and in some cases, distancing yourself), allowing people to own their thoughts and feelings is liberating, even when those problems are with you and you believe them to be inaccurate or unfair. Tell yourself, “My frustration is valid, and at the same time, I can allow them to think what they want to think.”

2. Accept the inevitability of lost expectations.

We learn certain expectations for relationships early in life, such as expecting that when we give others our time and attention, they should reciprocate. The reality is that friendships do not always meet our expectations, and it’s OK to take time to acknowledge that this is painful.

3. Practice forgiveness and self-compassion.

Both can help soothe the sting of resentment and help you remember that what others think does not reflect on who you are authentically. The loving-kindness meditation is an example of an intervention that focuses on sending feelings of kindness to oneself and others and has been shown to enhance self-compassion.

Allowing others to own their problems is generally relationship-enhancing, but if you continue to be treated poorly, the best course of action might be to make a beeline for kinder people. Moreover, showing gratitude for those who already treat you well will help you live more authentically and feel better emotionally.