Helping Men Understand More About Women's Experience of Sex

Porn has become the primary sex educator for most men today, which is why I keep hearing from women who say they don’t want to be choked during sex and that they hate having anal sex.

So I’m always on the prowl for ways to let men know that women might experience sex differently than is shown in porn. It can be a lot like trying to explain to someone under 20 how to mail a letter.

Fortunately, I received an incredible assist from a group of trans women who answered a sex survey that I posted on a Subreddit for trans women. These trans women had lived as men until they were at least 30 years old, after which they began taking hormone replacement therapy, or HRT. HRT changes the testosterone/estrogen balance, allowing estrogen to predominate, It helps a man to feel and look more like a woman.

Here’s the question I asked: “Has taking hormone replacement therapy changed the way you experience sexual arousal, touch, or orgasm?”

It’s clear that the trans women can 100% relate to having been male and recognize the difference that having more estrogen can make:

• “Before hormone replacement therapy, I’d get horny a lot for no particular reason. Sexual arousal was something that just seemed to happen to me whether I wanted it or not. I was mostly focused on stimulating my penis, and orgasms were more of a sudden release. But now orgasms are more of a relaxing wave of warmth that washes over every part of my body.”
• “I rarely feel the need to jerk off now, rather than daily like I did before. Now it takes longer and requires me to be more mentally ready. Before, I could finish no matter how I felt.”
• “My desire for sexual touch feels more complex than before, when it was mostly about my penis. Now sex is more about the ‘journey’ rather than the ‘destination.’ Sex is more connected to feelings of intimacy and I’ve come to enjoy a slow start and a slow process rather than a quickie.”
• “Sexual touch is more exciting now. It’s much more powerful and I can feel it through my body as opposed to before transition, when it was entirely in my penis.”
• “Before, I was more easily aroused, and with simpler things, like an image or specific movement with my hands (uh, masturbation). Now, my sex drive is way different. It’s lower and more subtle. Images and porn have no effect on me anymore. Now I masturbate maybe once or twice a month—nothing like before when I would masturbate every day.”
• “Before, it was a straight up jerk off, no ceremony whatsoever. Now I really need to be in the mood, I need to feel comfortable and relaxed with nothing to worry about. It is not uncommon for me to just stop in the middle of it simply because I’m worried about something or I’ve lost the mood.”
• “My sex drive is now under my control. Formerly I had a pressing need to get off that would strike randomly, and I would get surly if I couldn’t do anything about it. Now, I have to want it.”
• “Orgasms feel way different on estrogen. It’s more of a whole body feeling, and it can feel more intense depending on how aroused I am. It also takes longer for me to orgasm, but my orgasms last longer.”
• “The way I experience sex and touch has changed a lot. Before, the area that I enjoyed having touched was my penis, and my sexual experience was based around that. Now I feel like my body is much more sensitive and I have erogenous areas all over my body. Getting aroused takes a bit longer, but it feels more spread out over my body rather than centered around my penis. Some areas are even too sensitive now, and I feel like I have to be more careful and go slowly to get aroused.”
• “I am not usually horny without reason now, but I was a lot before. Arousal feels more full-body and emotional, but I feel I can control it easier.”
• It takes me longer to have an orgasm now and they can be harder to achieve, but I can feel them around my whole body. When I do orgasm, it isn’t like a finish line anymore or ‘that’s it, I’m done.’ Now I can keep going after having an orgasm.”
• “Before, sexual arousal was focused solely in my genitals and was very direct. Now when I am aroused there is a feeling like electricity or butterflies in my stomach that is very different from before. Sometimes it actually surprises me how strong it is.”
• “I am less interested in visual stimuli and more aroused by touch. Now it’s harder for me to become sexually aroused without foreplay.”
• “Arousal has changed completely. It went from being centered around my genitals to more of a whole body heat kinda thing.”
• “Arousal has become much more scent and touch based, as well as emotionally based.”
• “The porn I am interested in has changed a lot; porn that doesn’t have (seemingly) real intimacy is completely uninteresting to me now.”
• “My whole body craves being touched and everything feels so much better and tingly when I’m turned on and in the mood. Certain places like my waist or placing a hand on my thigh are much more connected to arousal than before.”
• “Before it was all about my penis. Now caresses all over are stimulating. It’s like my whole body is involved. And I really want to cuddle now. I was never a big cuddler, but that’s more important now.”
• “Now my orgasms vary in intensity depending on how aroused I am.”

While these trans women’s experiences are certainly not the same as those of all women, they have provided me with a very effective way to help expand the thinking of men whose primary source of sex education has been porn.