Your Partner Cheated: Now What?

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Before you go ballistic, consider the following.

From the outset, let’s make clear that the most offensive part about cheating is the trickery, lying, and betrayal of trust. Few people have trouble with the idea that their partner had sex or was in love with others before the relationship started. You came along and eclipsed everyone in their past.

But people continue to expect sexual and romantic exclusivity. This is true despite evidence that North Americans report greater tolerance, acceptance, and interest in exploring multiple partnerships. (Though we often like the idea more than we actually are willing to practice it).

And what is cheating away? Most people agree that it involves a sexual connection with someone outside of the relationship (usually involving genital or chest touching of some type, but even kissing and holding hands can count for some).

Beyond those direct forms of sexual connection, there’s a lot of variation between us in our judgments of what cheating is. Some count romantic forms (sharing important information, spending time alone, strong feelings of emotional connection) as cheating. Some do not.

Some count sexual arousal to others as cheating—even online or at an insurmountable distance—and even people who you will never meet, such as your favorite sex site celebrities. Others do not.

The point is that our understanding of what counts as cheating varies—a lot.

And here’s one of the most interesting parts: Although most relationships still have exclusivity (just you and me) as a pretty strong foundation upon which the scaffolding of the entire relationship relies, they frequently do not discuss what they think “counts” as cheating. They assume that the relationship partners agree, they “know it when they see it,” and that a somewhat wobbly standard will be met and maintained over the entire lifetime of the relationship—a tall order.

Our research also has uncovered a pretty harsh double standard, though: We are far more tolerant of our own transgressions (e.g., that little drunken kiss at a party, the groping session while traveling for work) than we are of our partner’s transgressions. We think we can handle it; it means nothing, but it is a dealbreaker if they do it.

However, if you have come across information that makes very clear or suggests that your partner has cheated, you owe it to yourself and the relationship to think through some important questions:

1. Do you have an explicit agreement that you will be exclusive romantically and sexually? That is, have you discussed this?
2. Do you have evidence that your partner knowingly violated this understanding?
3. Has there been lying, secrecy, or other underhandness?

Suppose you answered no to any of the above. In that case, the only thing you can do at this point is to really have that brutal discussion with yourself about what is versus is not acceptable (where is your line?), then discuss it with your partner and see if you can determine what happened, and to ensure that you clarify the exclusivity agreement. If there are other problems in the relationship, well, that’s another matter.

Important here is that it may not be warranted to end an otherwise good relationship because of some poor judgment, unprecedented lapses, or misunderstanding. We are all fallible. And we often spend many more waking hours with people other than our partners—one of those is very likely to be attractive at some point, and it is difficult for almost everyone to be drawn toward attractive people.

Next set of questions:

1. Is this a persistent pattern? Have you discussed this type of lapse before, and do your partner’s actions constitute a knowing violation of your agreement about exclusivity?
2. And here’s a really challenging question: Is your standard reasonable? Is there any chance you have forgiven yourself for the same things you are upset about now? Is there any chance you are thinking about what others might think or want you to do but not necessarily what is right for you and your partner?

Infidelity Essential Reads

How Betrayals and Affairs Begin With Small Excuses

Cheating Is Complicated

The idea that we will only find one person attractive and only drawn to that one person defies a large body of scientific evidence. The idea of never being tempted is a hyper-romantic view, and sure, we know of couples who say they only ever had eyes for each other, but being attracted to others is a sign that we’re alive, we’re human, we’re interacting and responding to people who appreciate us in some way.

Even in the best relationships, we habituate to the attractiveness of our partners. No matter how gorgeous they are—or seemed when we first were drawn to them. This habituation is normal and natural. It does not mean that you are no longer attracted to each other, that the history of emotions between you, the experiences you have shared, the fun you have had, and your time and life together are meaningless and ready to be ditched.

It is important to address this lapse directly, though. Before you entirely throw the relationship away, talk to your partner and make sure you are heard. Try to be as clear as possible about what you need in and from the relationship so that you can reinforce your parameters.

Does this lapse need to be the dealbreaker? Is it even a lapse? Is it game over?

Of course, if there is a pattern of your partner knowingly disregarding or disparaging what you want or need from them, then seriously consider a radical change, including ending the relationship. Anyone who has heard and understands your conditions for a relationship, to be a consensual partner in a relationship, and has not or cannot abide by those conditions, yes, this lapse constitutes a dealbreaker.