When Parenting Atypical Children, Adversity Can Prompt Growth

Years ago, as a graduate student and then early career psychologist, I was inspired, and my thinking was changed by what became known as the positive psychology shift in research and practice: From a primary focus on individual deficits and pathology to a focus on strengths and resilience and what individual and community factors foster resilience.

I have recently been inspired by Jonathan Haidt's book The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, especially the chapter entitled The Uses of Adversity. Haidt writes:

"This chapter is about what we might call the 'adversity hypothesis,' which says that people need adversity, setbacks, and perhaps even trauma to reach the highest levels of strength, fulfillment, and personal development."

In other words, a focus is not only on when and how people can be resilient but also on when and how people can grow and even thrive as they work through adversity.

Haidt clearly and emphatically notes that "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" cannot be universally true. Research shows that stressors are generally bad for people's physical and psychological health and that people who face threats to their own lives or witness the violent deaths of others can sometimes develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which can, of course, be debilitating in the short and long term.

Haidt argues, though, in a "yes and " way, that growth, even thriving, can sometimes be prompted by experiences of adversity. He discusses how research has gone beyond a focus on "resilience," the ways people cope with adversity, fend off damage, and "bounce back" to normal functioning" to include a focus on the benefits of stress, sometimes even severe stress:

"These benefits are sometimes referred to collectively as 'post-traumatic growth,' in direct contrast to post-traumatic stress disorder. Researchers have now studied people facing...cancer, heart disease, HIV, rape, assault, paralysis, infertility, house fires, plane crashes, and earthquakes. . . .How people cope with the loss of their strongest attachments: children, spouses, or partners, and parents. . . although traumas, crises, and tragedies come in a thousand forms, people benefit from them in three primary ways...."

Adversity Benefits

According to Haidt, the potential benefits of experiencing adversity, which can even be labeled "post-traumatic growth," include increased self-efficacy, stronger relationships, and changed values and perspectives.

1. Surviving adversity, even trauma, can help us better see our abilities and strengths. Appreciating our abilities and strengths can give us more confidence when facing future challenges.

Similarly, in my psychology education and practice, I have learned that a "sense of self-efficacy" is one of the best predictors of people attempting and persisting when facing new and challenging tasks, and that sense of self-efficacy can be promoted by identifying and highlighting "mastery experiences."

2. Significant adversity can strengthen relationships. Haidt notes that some friends and family step up. Hearts open. We may find that people are here for us and willing to help us. We may learn that people are more important than work, status, or things. Similarly, my community psychology education and training emphasized the importance of social support and social support networks.

3. Adversity can change priorities, values, and perspectives about what matters in life. Haidt notes, "A diagnosis of cancer is often described, in retrospect, as a wake-up call, a reality check, or a turning point...The reality that people often wake up to is that life is a gift they have been taking for granted and that people matter more than money."

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We may also react to others with more sympathy, love, and forgiveness. People who have experienced significant loss can have a greater appreciation for and tolerance of, even compassion for, others.

Knowing the importance of stories, Haidt uses the example of Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol. Haidt observes that in A Christmas Carol,

"Captures a deep truth about the effects of facing mortality: A few minutes with the ghost of 'Christmas Yet to Come' converts Scrooge, the ultimate miser, into a generous man who takes delight in his family, his employees, and the strangers he passes on the street."

This example reminds me of something highlighted in Storr's (2020) The Science of Story Telling. People in much of literary fiction and real life tend to intensely cling to flawed patterns of thinking and behaving as if these flaws were sacred.

When faced with change, especially that clarifies that their "sacred flaw" is no longer working, people may (or may not) change themselves. Change, even adversity, thus offers an opportunity for personal growth.

Applications for Parents of Neuro-Developmentally Atypical Children

• Recognize your talents and strengths.

It is my experience in my practice that parents of neurodevelopmentally atypical children, adolescents, and young adults tend to have and show great persistence, fortitude, courage, love, kindness, loyalty, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. They tend to be more aware than most of what is important in life. I often see them as heroes on a "hero's journey" (Rogers et al., 2023).

• Open yourself to others.

"Unmask or come out." Don't hide what is going on or act like everything is somehow OK. Ask for help, and you may be surprised by what happens in return. There are a few angels out there.

• Join an in-person mutual support group or an online support network.

You will find information, support, and a growing awareness that you are not alone, that there are others in the same boat, people who have gone through, or are going through, what you are going through.

Research suggests this kind of "universalization experience" can be crucial. Mutual support groups and networks will also allow you to help others. Helping others is some of the best medicine.

• Reframe the adversities and even traumas you are experiencing as opportunities for change and growth.

Reexamine what you have been taught about success and status, about striving, and what is worth striving for. Reconnect with what you have likely been taught but may not be living out about love, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude.

See yourself as being on a hero's journey. There has been a change in what you thought your life and your child's life might be, and there are many challenges. There are potential allies and opportunities for transformation and to benefit others. Leave a legacy.

Recommendations for Further Reading

Emily Perl Kingsley's Welcome to Holland and Susan Rzucidlo's Welcome to Beirut are online parenting posts that capture the challenges and opportunities of raising an atypical child, adolescent, or young adult.

Welcome to Beirut is, perhaps, more focused on challenges than Welcome to Holland, but Rzucidlo still notes,

• "You will find some of the greatest folks in the world are doing the same maze you are . . . "
• "You share an odd kinship with people from all walks of life."
• "Good times are had, and because we know how bad the bad times are, the good times are even better."

Similarly, Andrew Soloman's (2012) award-winning book Far From the Tree includes in-depth interviews of parents of children with a wide range of differences, including autism—and how they find at least some meaning and peace.