How to Have Extraordinary Interactions

Two decades ago, psychologist Christopher Peterson summed up the emerging field of positive psychology in three words: other people matter. The echoes of this dictum have been with us from the beginning of humankind, as our brains evolved – through catastrophes and progress – always together. Now, science has the evidence. Other people matter: for our health and longevity, for our well-being, for our sense of self.

As the co-creator of Functional Analytic Psychotherapy, Mavis Tsai is well-versed in the healing power of connection. Among her biggest insights from her years as a psychotherapist is the ability to tell stories. “That’s what connects, moves, and inspires us the most,” she says. Having witnessed the transformation that is possible when our stories are received and held in a warm environment, Tsai founded the Awareness, Courage, and Love Global Project for those seeking to experience deep connections and make new friends. Observing strangers in a virtual gathering open their hearts to each other has come with fascinating lessons on human connection. Among them is this: “If you’re warm with someone, they will naturally follow your lead and respond back warmly.”

Here are some of Tsai's thoughts on the magic of connection.

Why are other people so important to our well-being?
"My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.” To me, these words from Archbishop Desmond Tutu capture why we are so important to each other. We are evolutionarily wired to be social. Living in groups offered a survival advantage to early humans. If someone wasn’t in a group, they’d likely disappear or be taken out. Shared responsibilities like hunting, gathering, and protection made people stronger as a group and created a better chance of survival. Today, our identity and self-worth are still tied to others, because being a part of a community is important for our sense of belonging. We get support from people. We learn from people. We can even improve our health and well-being through social connections.

How can we not let ourselves get hurt by our social connections?
The downside of something being very important to us – like our social connections – is that they can also hurt us. There needs to be a balance between allowing ourselves to attach to others and promoting our own self-worth so that our well-being is not solely dependent on other people.

When somebody acts strange and it bothers us, we can consider two things. One, what is it about our own history that leaves us so vulnerable that we take all the responsibility for how someone responds to us? Most of the time, it’s not about us – especially if we don’t have a close relationship with them. Often, we take things too personally. An unfriendly look from a stranger at the cashier can leave us convinced that we did something wrong. This is where self-awareness and mindfulness can be helpful. We can notice that we’re triggered by someone’s behavior and offer ourselves compassion, I’m taking this too personally and I’m making assumptions about the other person. Usually, it’s not helpful to make assumptions about what others might be thinking or feeling. If we aren’t close to them, the only assumption we can make is that they’re having a hard day.

On the other hand, if we are hurt by someone important to us, we can reflect on how we contributed to the situation. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see what you did that upset them could be an important part of the repair process.

What makes an extraordinary interaction?
Extraordinary interactions are not only memorable – they are also healing. However, extraordinary interactions don’t come naturally. Typically, we spend most of our time in our heads, going in and out of our interactions without much thought. It takes commitment to speak from the heart and to really listen; to be authentic and to allow ourselves to be seen.

Extraordinary interactions have three components.

1. Vulnerable self-disclosure
2. Receiving the other with acceptance, warmth and non-judgment
3. Expressing personalized appreciation, What you said touched me deeply because…

How can interpersonal attunement be healing?

Source: Zazufiane/Pixabay

Attunement goes along with extraordinary interactions. As infants, our caretakers needed to figure out our needs and wishes without us telling them anything. When our minds were read, we felt safe and cared about. To do this, our caretakers required attunement.

As adults, we recognize the importance of being able to verbalize our needs and wishes. Yet, because of our experiences as infants, we are naturally drawn to people who are attuned to us. These are the people who can read our minds without us having to say everything, who can be aligned with what we’re feeling, and who can be receptive to us in this deeper way. Being seen feels good. Moreover, we are healed by relationships that are attuned and loving.

How can we feel belonging and make connections anytime, anywhere?
I’ve come to realize that when I’m not feeling good about myself, I can feel non-belonging anywhere. But when I’m feeling good, I not only have a sense of belonging anywhere, but I can be a bridge between different communities and bring people together.

I have two suggestions on how to feel belonging and make friends anytime, anywhere.

First, the usual advice on making friends: Find activities that you enjoy and connect with people who share similar interests.

My second suggestion has more to do with a way of being that will naturally attract people to you without you doing anything explicitly. People can engage in this practice at any time, with whoever they want to connect with. This way of being involves looking at someone and really seeing them. For example, you can think about your common humanity with the person, and how we all share experiences of joy and heartbreak. You can think of their parents and grandparents, who they might have been, and what sacrifices they made for their family’s benefit. You can imagine the person as a child and see their innocence and delight. You simply and silently appreciate the person. When people are seen in this way, they can feel it.

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What are some questions that can facilitate extraordinary interactions?
These closeness-generating questions are structured to help people go deeper into their connections.

• What would I need to know about you for us to be closer?
• What brings you joy?
• What do you long for?
• What’s a current struggle that you are having?
• What’s a truth that feels scary or vulnerable to admit?
• If you really knew me, you would know that I...
• What would you do if you had the courage?
• How would you complete the following sentence? “I pretend that…”

What keeps people from reaching out to others and making connections?
People block connections for various reasons. These include:

• fear of being rejected
• fear of being vulnerable
• fear of being hurt
• fear of being judged
• fear of being not liked
• fear of failure
• fear of intimacy
• fear of the unknown
• fear of being embarrassed

What strategies can people use to overcome these fears?
We have several suggestions for working with these blockages.

• Practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that it’s normal to feel nervous or scared when reaching out to someone you’re interested in, and be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling anxious or worried.
• Bring a deep sense of seeing. When it feels right, you can ask if they would like to engage in questions related to creating extraordinary interactions.
• Set realistic expectations. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have a perfect interaction. Instead, focus on making a genuine connection with the other person.
• Start small. Instead of jumping right into a big ask, start bids for connection such as asking about their interests or hobbies. This can help you build rapport and increase your confidence over time.
• Visualize success. Imagine yourself successfully making a connection with the other person. Visualizing a positive outcome can help reduce anxiety and increase confidence.
• Take action. Don’t let your fears hold you back from taking action. Take small steps towards your goal, even if they make you uncomfortable. This can help you build momentum and increase your confidence.
• Practice the salesperson’s mentality. They know a certain percentage of asks will result in rejection and don’t take rejections personally. In fact, they see each rejection as increasing the chance of a positive outcome.
• Seek support. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your fears and anxieties. They can provide emotional support and help you develop coping strategies.
• Recognize the cost of not taking risks. You will miss out on what makes you feel most alive.

Many thanks to Mavis Tsai for her time and insights. Dr. Tsai is an Associate Director at the Center for the Science of Social Connection at the University of Washington. She is the founder of the ACL Project, a clinical psychologist, and the co-creator of Functional Analytic Psychotherapy.