What to Do When You Don't Love Yourself

As a therapist, I often meet people when in crisis. They may be in the process of leaving a traumatic relationship, recovering from an addiction, or facing a serious mental illness. Self-love can appear miles away. Yet, capturing some sense of loyalty to oneself is often critical for recovery. It's difficult to make choices that move you forward in life when you are towing behind you a sense of self-loathing. It keeps one stuck in a puddle of depression.

Self-Hatred

"I hate myself." These are three powerful words that have been spoken either aloud or silently by countless people. Yet, what makes the difference is how we see ourselves.

The natural reaction might be to think self-hatred would be rooted in some kind of mistake. Yet, almost everyone has made serious missteps in their lives. This is part of being human. Not everyone hates themselves.

For many, trauma seems to play a role. Research of individuals who engaged in self-harm, found, unsurprisingly, a link between self-hatred and self-harm. This link appeared to be mediated by the experience of childhood trauma (Nilsson and colleagues, 2022).

The link is not contained to childhood trauma. Survival guilt is an unfortunate reality for many veterans, police officers, and those working in other fields where workplace trauma is a reality. A study of combat veterans found a powerful impact of war-related shame, moral injury, and thoughts of suicide (Schwartz and colleagues, 2022).

A low sense of self-worth and even self-hatred is central to many mental health conditions including major depression and borderline personality disorder. Neurodivergent people who have had a history of exclusion and rejection in navigating a world set up for neurotypical people can also be susceptible to ultra-low self-esteem. This can be reflected in acts of self-harm and methods of escape such as addiction to cover the underlying pain.

Many are ashamed even of having self-hatred. Still, it's not their fault. Our self-esteem is not a reflection of our true worth as a person.

It Matters

Blame or not, when someone is seeking healing from any number of problems, the existence of self-hatred (or its arch-enemy self-compassion) makes a huge impact on recovery.

Self-compassion is linked to both preventing and working through anxiety and depression (Egan and colleagues, 2022). Psychotherapies such as compassion-focused therapy that key in on building a capacity of compassion for self and others, have been demonstrated as effective in the treatment of these conditions.

Likewise, self-hatred and self-compassion appear to play a strong role in recovery from addictions and eating disorders. A study of individuals in an eating disorder treatment center found that levels of self-compassion and fear of self-compassion predicted response to treatment with self-compassion correlating with recovery (Kelly and colleagues, 2013). In binge eating disorder, a randomized controlled trial found that self-compassion training when paired with food-based interventions had a greater impact on multiple dimensions of recovery than food-based interventions tied with traditional behavioral therapies (Kelly and Carter, 2015). Similar discoveries were made when brief self-compassion interventions were applied to clients in an intensive outpatient addictions program (Held and colleagues, 2018).

Even in the case of serious mental illness like psychosis, research has shown that self-compassion can create a trajectory toward recovery. A qualitative study of individuals with lived experience of psychosis found that while self-criticism kept people stuck, self-compassion encouraged behaviors that moved the person toward mental health recovery (Waite and colleagues, 2015).

Self-Love on a Spectrum

This is all good and well, but how does a person reach a space of self-love while in the pits of self-hatred? It is a process. Self-love exists on a spectrum. Even the desire to build self-love is one rung up from pure self-hatred.

Building from this desire, we move toward rungs of showing ourselves at least the same compassion we would show a stranger, kind self-talk, taking care of our needs, wanting good things for ourselves, and taking action to make those things a reality.

A vital board on this path for many is self-forgiveness. Sometimes we hold against ourselves things that do not truly violate our moral compass. An illustration of this might be an adult who still blames themself for the abuse they experienced as a child. Here, the person did nothing wrong though the emotions created by the abuse can unfortunately spark severe shame. At times, self-forgiveness means turning toward a time when we acted against our moral compass. To acknowledge our mistakes, make the amends we can, and free ourselves to go on with life. This is a process all on its own.

Self-Respect

While self-love and self-respect are different, for many cultivating self-respect is also part of this process. Self-respect shows up when we speak up for ourselves, let go of things that are pulling us down, and generally act in a way that says, "I matter."

Love is given. Respect is earned. You can respect someone you don't love and you can love someone you don't respect (yet)—including yourself. But the two are best had together.

We are most apt to feel a sense of self-respect when we can recognize our actions as reflecting our values. Shame can claw at that self-respect until it seems there is nothing left. Still, you do not have to require anything of yourself to say, "I am committed to me, and I will do everything I can to move toward what matters to me." Self-love can spur your progress as you move toward creating the life you wish for.

If you are struggling to find where to start on your self-love journey here are three strategies to do so.

Three Strategies

1. Slow Moves. It's not common for someone to wake up out of a sense of self-hatred one day into self-love. We move across a spectrum instead. Making slow moves, for example, choosing to take a shower one morning or writing a small encouraging note to yourself are small steps that can be taken.

2. Catch Unkind Self-Talk and Switch It Out. If you've been speaking to yourself like the scum of the earth for any amount of time, it's not a habit likely to magic itself away. And that's okay. Catch those unkind things you say to yourself out of habit, and switch them out for something more helpful.

3. Notice and Celebrate the Good Things. Shame and self-hatred have us magnify the bad things while minimizing the good ones. Try to correct that by intentionally noticing the good things. Celebrate accomplishments, even small ones. Let yourself feel the warmth of the sun or listen to the bird song. It's a skill worth building.

In Closing

Self-hatred is a common and painful problem that tends to lead to more difficulties such as addiction, eating disorders, and self-harm. Still, through committed action, it can be turned into self-love. Even a wish to love one's self is a step above pure self-hatred. If you are struggling with this, help is available. Psychotherapy can assist with understanding yourself and moving toward self-compassion.

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